You do not know Bad Fanfiction until you have read this. No, don't talk to me about "Rei: A New Kind of Princess" or "the broken prophesies". This is a whole NEW level of badfic...like...like...Super Saiyan Bad Fic.
Reflecting on it (which I don't recommend), I...I THINK this might be a troll. I'm not 100% sure. There are a lot of bad fics out there (and I would know)...but this one is SO BAD, SO UNENDINGLY BRAIN BURNING, the mere thought of someone typing this IN EARNEST...is...is...
Well, it kills any chance of there being a God whatsoever.
****
Daniel-zukolover
Hey, this is my first fic, so don't flame me.
BF: Haha, I LOVE it when they beg for mercy.
Zuko: Please don't flame her story, she gets really mad.
BF: You wouldn't like her when she's angry. She turns green and splits her pants when she's angry.
My name is Kit Kat
BF: In the words of hyoudentai: Kit Kat? GIMME A BREAK!
and I am a normal girl
BF: Well, except for the cyclops part.
that is tricked into going in a big ditch.
BF: Tricked...?
(Bully) Hey kid, go into that ditch!
(Kit Kat) Okay! (goes in)
I fell into it actually and fell... THROUGH WORLDS.
BF: Did she fall through Candy Land? Maybe that's where she picked up her name.
I have a cousin who follows me.
BF: WHY...?
My cousin is fifteen and I am sixteen.
BF: (Author) If you add us together we're both over the legal age!
My cousins name is Spree(We were both named after candies).
BF: I would not be surprised if her infant sister is named Baby Ruth.
BF: Which probably isn't a good thing, since ships with holes have a tendency to sink.
I looked up and saw a teenager in all red,
BF: (Kit Kat) Cool! The Red Ranger is my favorite Power Ranger!
another teenager in black and red,
BF: Ack! My emo radar is going off!
and finally a spunky girl
BF: Aw, shit, that could be ANY Mary Sue!
with pink clothes.
BF: The used to be white, until someone threw a red sock into her laundry.
"Hello, My name is Kit Kat. And yours?" I said
BF: Hm. I am impressed with Kit Kat. If I had fallen through a hole and landed on a ship with three strange teenage girls looking down at me, the first thing out of my mouth would be "OMFGWTFBBQ???!!1"
nicely.
BF: Uh huh.
"My name is Azula, this is Mei and Tai Lee." She said pointing to the other two girls.
BF: (Azula) Theys is mah bitches.
"Have you seen a girl about yeah high and blonde hair?" I asked.
BF: If she's bringing Terra from Teen Titans into this fic, I MAY be forced to shoot something.
"No, why?" Azula asked.
BF: More importantly, who cares?
"It's my younger cousin." I replied looking everywhere.
BF: Check under Mai's skirt!
(Author, checking) Only more daggers. How does she walk?
(BF) Okay, check under Ty Lee's!
(Author, checking) Nope, only Sokka.
(BF) Okay, try Azula.
(Author) Hell no. I want to LIVE.
I went around the whole ship
BF: Uh, hey, aren't Azula and Co going to put a leash on her or something?
and when I went outside, I saw that I was not in New Corona anymore.
BF: New Corona? Like...the BEER Corona? And since they're not IN New Corona, does that mean Azula's vessel is NOT a ship in a bottle? The questions!!!
"I knew this was going to happen." I said.
BF: Well, God knows I was an unsuspecting victim.
"Kat is that you." A voice said behind me.
BF: As a frigid and decaying hand wrapped around her neck!
"SPREE!!!!" I said. I ran over to her and hugged her. "I. can't. breathe." She said.
BF: It's not important that you do.
"I'm sorry." I said. "Where are we?" She asked me.
BF: I'd say about two steps away from stupid.
"I think in the avatar world, what do you say?" I replied. "I say lets ask her." She said.
BF: I say let's shut up.
"Okay, Azula where are we?" I asked.
BF: Uh...kinda BALLSY talking to Azula that way, aren't you?
"We are in the land of
BF: Narnia?
avatar." She replied.
BF: Azula! Don't talk back to them! You'll only encourage them!
"I told you so." I said to Spree. "Do you have any extra rooms?" Spree asked Azula. "Why, yes
BF: (Azula) But they're overboard! (throws two girls overboard, cackling maniacally)
but they are the prison cells." She said.
BF: Well, damn, why didn't Azula just throw them in there in the first place?
"Just as long as they aren't infested with any sort of bugs, i'm fine with that." Spree said.
BF: After all, it's very important to be courteous.
I think it is a trick.
BF: I can see this one is the Sherlock of the group.
"Kat, may I talk to you?" I asked her. "Yes, why." She said. "I think it is a trap for Azula to capture us.
BF: I dunno, it's just so simple and dumb, it doesn't seem like the kind of trap Azula would set.
(Azula) These guys are about as stupid as my brother, so I didn't bother with the extra effort.
I mean we are royal in our world
BF: Royal pains in the asses, that is.
(A/N: Did I ever tell you we are princesses.)."
BF: (dies a little inside) ...No, you didn't. But I'm sure you'll make up for that minor oversight with an excruciatingly long and angsty backstory later on.
I asked her. "Like she knows that." She said.
BF: I DIDN'T KNOW. And I was so much happier back then.
"Like I don't know what?" Azula asked.
BF: Azula, some things are better left unasked.
"Well we are kind of princesses in our world." Kat said.
BF: Kinda? Ya either are or aren't.
(Author) What about Paris Hilton?
(BF) You lose DOUBLE POINTS for that question!
"Really? I am a princess too, but I have a foolish brother who is after the avatar
BF: And a good time!
and a prince." She exclaimed.
BF: OMG...the brother of a princess...is a PRINCE? My GOD, it makes so much SENSE!
"What's your brothers name?" I asked.
BF: (Spree) I'd also like his social security number.
"His name is Zuko." She said.
BF: You know what would be cool? DARTH Zuko. That'd be hella badass.
"Kat, may I talk to you." I asked Kat.
BF: WTF is the point of always asking Kat, "Can I talk to you?" Azula is already in hearing range and she could torture information out of you anyway!
"Sure." She said shruging he sholders. "I remember this, it was one of my dreams." I said.
BF: (Kit Kat) the one with the clowns?
(Spree, nodding) Yes.
"Maybe its like the show: Avatar: The Last Airbender. I mean they have the same names and the same clothes."
BF: Once again, Spree shows she is a mental giant amongst the masses.
Kat said, "I wonder if Zuko is cuter here."
BF: I see one Sue that needs to get neutered. Do I have another?
I rolled my eyes. Ever since the show started my cousin fell in love with the Prince Zuko and I fell in love the water tribe boy, Sokka.
BF: Unlucky sons of guns.
We both have fantasies.
BF: Let's NOT go into detail on those.
She wants to find Zuko, and I want to find Sokka.
BF: (Sokka and Zuko, at exact same time) I just felt a chill go down my spine.
"Kat, lets ask Azula to drop us off at the next town we pass." I said.
BF: I thought Azula was a Fire Nation princess, not a bus driver!
"Okay!!!!!!" She said with excitment.
BF: (beaten to death with exclamation marks) X_X;;
I knew she was going to ask me to do the same thing.
BF: (Spree) I knew you knew I knew you knew!
Plus, I want to try and find Sokka and she probably wants to find Zuko. "Hey, Azula can you drop us off at the next town? Please." I asked. "Why?" She asked.
BF: (Azula) Weren't you two supposed to fall into my half-baked trap?
"We want to see if our other cousin fell through the hole too." I replied trying to keep a straight face.
BF: Oh sweet lord, I hope that's only bad acting and not the truth.
"Okay." Azula replied. "Thank you so much." I said.
BF: (Zuko) All these Sues blend together after a while.
"I don't know.
BF: I don't care.
Why don't we go and introduce ourselfs." Iroh said. "Okay." I said as I ran towards them
BF: Zuko, hon, you need to be running in the OTHER direction.
"Hello, my name is Zuko and this is my uncle..." I said, but I was cut off by
BF: The fugliness of the two Sues.
the taller one. "Iroh, I know, we just came from Azula's ship.
BF: Okay, is Zuko going to spaz NOW? I mean, Azula's ship has been confirmed!
Some how we tripped through a hole and up here. My name is Princess Kit Kat and this is my cousin, Princess Spree."
BF: (laughing hysterically) Ah, their names sound TEN times as ridiculous when you tack on a "Princess" in front! Seriously, I challenge ANY one of you to say those names out loud to someone with a perfectly straight face!
She said. She looked beautiful.
BF: She looked like a damn candy bar.
I saw that her eye color was yellow.
BF: She should probably get that checked out.
"Are you fire nation?" I asked. "No, why do you ask?" She asked me. "Just, because your eyes are yellow." I replied.
BF: Never mind Mai and Ty Lee's eyes aren't yellow, and they are from the Fire Nation.
"I already told you we come from another world." She said softly.
I had to calm down before my fists ignited with flames.
BF: What is she so angry about? The crappy writing?
"Spree, want to go shopping." I asked my confused cousin.
BF: Yeah, coz, because a passion for fashion solves everything!
"Okay, but I need to talk to you." She said.
BF: Phht. Everybody needs to "talk" in this fic.
"Okay, lets walk and talk." I said.
BF: Can they HANDLE the multi-tasking?
"Why didn't you tell them." She asked me.
BF: Tell them what? You guys don't have ANOTHER secret identity, do you?
"I just have to wait for the right time." I replied.
BF: When they least expect it?
(Author) When I run out of plot!
(BF) So...like right now, then.
"Right time for what?" Zuko asked.
BF: Right time to leave.
"For this.
BF: (Kat, mooning Zuko) Ahahaha!
Spree, you know what gets me mad." I said.
BF: Bad fic reviews?
"Zuko, the only thing that gets her mad is if you kiss me." Spree said.
BF: Well, it makes ME mad, so okay, I'll go with it.
"Okay, lets kiss then." Zuko said. They kissed.
BF: And I gagged.
I let my palm ignite.
BF: I just use a lighter, myself.
"Your a Firebender." He said suprised.
BF: (Zuko) Is THAT why you have yellow eyes?
(Kat) No, just unoriginal character design.
"I wouldn't call it firebending,
BF: I'D call it dumb and overdone.
I call it my super power.
BF: Your...what? (DIES)
Now you know why I wear a long sleeve shirt." I said calming down.
BF: What? No, I DON'T know why you wear a long sleeve shirt. I assumed it was to hide up all the emo slashes on your wrist, but apparently I was mistaken.
"Here we call that firebending." Zuko said.
BF: And HERE, at AvatarD, we call that retarded.
"Okay, I guess I am a firebender." I said heading for a store.
BF: Well, if there's one thing about these Sues that I like, it's that they don't spend hours dwelling on the agony of being a firebender in secret. This Sue is more "Whatevs lets go shopping lolol!!1"
"Would you like to stay with us?" I heard Zuko say.
BF: In what, Zuko? Your hut?
"Sure, why not?" I said. "Okay lets go." Zuko said dragging me towards the ship.
BF: Ship? Wait...is this Season One Zuko?
Spree was following with a smile on her face. "What is wrong with you?" I asked.
BF: Besides everything?
"Nothing." She said. I let my body ignite so Zuko would let me go.
BF: There's a first-a Sue that DOESN'T want Zuko grabbing them.
My plan worked, he let go. "What was that for?" He asked. "I don't like being dragged." I replied.
BF: Unless it's by the hair.
"Well, I forgive you.
BF: (Zuko) Even though you gave me a hand Johnny Tremain would not want!
Let's go on the ship to show you your quarters." Zuko said.
BF: Is it in the brig?
We all walked to the ship. I went out on deck. Someone came up behind me and scared me.
BF: By trying to set her on fire.
I hit them in the chest, and eyes, then I tripped them. I turned around and saw Zuko.
BF: (Kat) Whoops! Didn't see you while I was busy beating you up!
"I'm so sorry. You just startled me. And we people startle me I hurt them badly.
BF: Just ask the dude who walked in on her when she was using the bathroom.
Will you ever forgive me?" I said. "I forgive you. It was all my fault." Zuko said.
BF: Okaaaaay...clearly not the easily provoked Zuko we all know from the show.
I left to go to my room. I knew he followed me.
BF: I thought Zuko only stalked Aang?
I went inside, I opened my backpack.
BF: Odd that I never heard about this backpack until now. Is it also named after candy? Is it also a princess?
I picked up a picture that had my parents on it.
BF: Lily and James Potter.
I held back a couple of tears, but one tear slipped out.
BF: And here's that wonderful angst I've been looking for, portrayed in the classic "single tear running down cheek" bit.
I tried to stop it from dropping.
BF: If you drink milk before doing that, you can suck it back in easier.
Zuko must have saw it because he came in
BF: What, did he see it through the door?
(Zuko) No, the surveillance cam. For...surveillance.
and asked me what was wrong.
BF: (Zuko) Is it the Chad?
"Nothing." I said. "Well then why were you crying?" He asked.
BF: Even stranger, why does it feel like she was crying on schedule?
"Oh you saw that one teardrop.
BF: *rolls eyes*
It's my parents." I said handing him the picture. He looked at it.
BF: (Zuko) You're a terrible drawer.
"You know about me and my uncle?" He asked.
BF: Wait...they're her parents?! Okay, this is getting weird.
"Yes, my cousin and I watched a show called Avatar: The Last Airbender and you guys were on it." I said.
BF: Wow, nothing keeps these Sues down for very long! Not being transported to new worlds, having superpowers, or losing their parents! In fact they seem impervious...or oblivious...to everything!
"Really?" He said with excitment.
BF: (Zuko, dismayed) You mean, I'm only a TV character?
(Kat) Don't be sad! You're also a lot of people's wet dreams.
"Yes, really." I replied.
BF: No WAI!
He left with a smirk on his face.
BF: He's very happy to leave, I see.
I went back outside.
BF: To do her business.
"Kat!!" I heard a voice behind me.
BF: It was Zuko practicing ventriloquism.
(Zuko) See how I can throw my voice? Now, let's see me do it with water!
I turned around and saw a girl in blue,
BF: Avatarland's Finest.
a boy in blue
BF: Little Boy Blue? Is that you?
and a boy with no hair,
BF: It's okay. They have special formulas for that.
but he had a arrow on his head.
BF: And a sign that said "Think Here"
They were with Spree.
BF: Along with Peppermint Patty and Strawberry Shortcake.
"Hello Spree, Aang, Sokka, and Katara."
BF: (Appa and Momo) Yeah, "Hi" to you too.
I said. "Hey Kat." Aang said.
BF: ...How does Aang know her?
(Aang) Oh, we met when she kidnapped me. Repeatedly.
"The Avatar!!!" Zuko screamed.
BF: (Zuko, gushing) Can I have your autograph?
"Lets get out of here." I said. We went over to Appa. We flew away.
BF: (Kat) I've decided to be goth now. Let's go to Hot Topic!
(Aang) ...What's that?
and hair colors." I asked Aang.
BF: (Aang, sulking) ...I want new hair colors too...
"Where will you get the money?" He asked me.
BF: I can do you one better: "Who can we rob?"
"Turn around and look at all the money we earned." I replied. He turned around and saw one thousand gold coins.
BF: Uh...I thought this was an Avatar fic, not World of Warcraft.
"How did you get all that?" He asked with a suprised look on his face.
BF: (Aang) What john would be dumb enough to hire you two?
"Babysitting pays off." I said.
BF: Iroh pays handsomely for anyone who will watch his nephew.
(Iroh, to babysitter) Make sure he doesn't burn anything down and that he's in bed by eight.
"Okay lets go." Katara said. We went into the hair salon.
BF: Where they all got perms that immortalized the styles of 1983.
Katara got her hair dyed black.
BF: Why?
So did Spree and I.
BF: Why?
Katara got a violet kimono.
BF: But wait...if she wears purple...WHAT COUNTRY IS SHE FROM?
Spree and I got red skirts, red shirts and red shorts.
BF: I'm sensing a theme going on here.
"What do you think?" I asked the boys.
BF: (The Boys) I'm thinking that's a whole damn lot of red.
(Sokka) You two look like that talking M&M.
"You look great." Sokka exclaimed.
BF: To the nearest "Stop" sign, confusing it for one of the girls.
"Thank you." We said in unision.
BF: It's as if they have one mind...one mind...
We all boarded Appa.
BF: Did they have their tickets?
A big ship passed.
BF: Passed what? Gas?
Not just any ship, Zuko's ship.
BF: They could tell by the tacky bumper stickers, such as " I HEART TEA" and "Avatar or Bust" and "Fire Nation Sensation"
"I should go." I said.
BF: YES.
"No, Kat, I don't want to lose you." Spree said.
BF: Um...did you two need some time alone?
"I'll be fine." I said. I jumped over the saddle and dove into the ocean below.
BF: If we're lucky, the impact with water will kill her.
BF: (Kat) I breathed. I turned around. Zuko smirked. He turned around. I smirked too, turning around.
"About leaving for a while, I'm sorry. You just want the avatar so much I figured that if you were trying to find the avatar, then you would find me." I said.
BF: But..she was RIGHT NEXT TO HIM before she joined the Avatar! Why did she need him to "find her"?
(Kat) He couldn't see me because he kept turning around!
"I am sorry too." He said. He looked into my eyes and I looked into his.
BF: He picked into my nose and picked into his.
All of the sudden we kissed.
BF: Oh look, my gag reflex is acting up again.
"Zuko, an Admiral Zhao is here to see you." A guard said.
BF: (Zuko) Does he have an appointment?
He left and I was left standing there with a smile on my face.
BF: Wipe that off.
I knew it was to good to be true.
BF: Not this fic, babe.
Zuko loved me.
BF: Or else.
I felt very happy after that moment.
BF: (Kat) I broke wind. I felt very happy after that moment too.
"Kat!!!!" Iroh said,
BF: (Iroh) Stop scratching on the furniture!
"Zuko is in so much trouble with Zhao,
BF: Trouble? What kind?
(Zhao, screaming) HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN SEEING THAT SKANK BEHIND MY BACK?!
will you help him."
BF: (Kat, whining) Is this a sidequest?
I went into the Hellsmans.
BF: Maybe she should go to the Hell's Angels?
"Zhao, I will hurt you really bad."
BF: (Kat) I will cut you so bad, you wish I didn't cut you so bad!
I said as my body lit up.
BF: (Zhao) Oooh, Christmas has come early!
"What? You become a candle." Zhao said.
BF: (Zhao) Are you scented?
"Zuko, Iroh, get out of here before I almost kill you."
BF: Dude, that ought to have been her first line in!
I said as the fire kept growing.
BF: And the logic kept shrinking.
"So, the only thing that gets you mad
BF: Is when someone kisses Zuko.
(Zhao, looking at Zuko nervously) She didn't see us, did she?
and turn into a candle is when your boyfriend is in trouble." Zhao said.
BF: (Zhao) Trouble...of falling for my seductive body!
"Zhao, we meet again.
BF: Where did they meet?
(Zhao) At a Sideburns Convention. That was before she shaved.
I guess I will kill you this time." I said.
BF: (Kat) You killed my family. Prepare to die.
"Like you can kill me." He said.
BF: (Zhao) What are you going to do? GLOW on me?
"Are you sure? I killed my gerbil after touching him."
BF: That gerbil was never the same after its molestation.
I said as the fire grew even more.
BF: (Zhao, with squirt bottle) Down! Bad!
I threw alot of stem at Zhao.
BF: Stem? Like, vegetation? ...Can you smoke it?
I hit him once and he surrendered.
BF: What did she hit him with? Her looks?
(Zhao) I GIVE!
Me: I have never told anybody anything. Except Spree, but that's family.
BF: Spree wasn't happy about being let in on Kat's gas problem.
Spree: A certain person gets a certain suprise.
BF: In the bathroom.
(Spree) WHO DIDN'T FLUSH!?
Me: You dork!! You weren't supposed say anything. Oh well.
CYA!!!!!
BF: Wouldn't wanna be ya.
***
Can you still read? If you can, you're an amazing person. Anyone who can make it through the fic without eye bleeding or permanent brain damage is made of SOLID STEEL.
There are just...no words for this kind of fic...
Well actually, a rating might do...
Redeeming Feature:
Well, thank God at least no one had a crush on Aang!
Rap Sheet:
~I have seen gnats with attention spans longer than these characters. Trying to chronicle their thoughts is like being taken for a joyride in a parking lot by your drunk and leadfooted friend.
~Princess Kit Kat and Princess Spree. See, I told you you couldn't say their names with a straight face, didn't I? Where do I even start with this disastrous duo? The mood swings? The ridiculous powers and abilities? How they marked their territory by spraying Sokka and Zuko? The "WTF" backstory that really isn't a backstory at all but a bunch of random shit thrown together? Or maybe the "Hay can I talk 2 U?" business? There's too much! I give up.
~The randomness. Were talking mismatching timelines (Season 1 Zuko with Season 2 Azula? FTW?), random money acquisition, odd stomach pains...that I'm pretty sure don't involve menstruation...I mean...this makes me MISS the days of random wolf-demon appearances! At least after some silly explanation you could roll with it! Here, it's like...OY...
~The OOC. Sweet Jesus, are those really Avatar characters? Or are they actually chewed up Avatar Burger King toys Kit Kat and Spree are playing with?
"Zhao, I will hurt you really bad." I said as my body lit up.
"What? You become a candle." Zhao said.
"Zuko, Iroh, get out of here before I almost kill you."
