I suppose, after reading through "Rei: A New Kind of Princess", you thought you could handle any kind of inexplicable randomness?
Che. Noob.
No, this fic makes most bad fics sound perfectly sane. Even perfectly GOOD! The majority of bad fics churn your stomach...this one will churn your mind with its consistent "WTF?" awfulness.
Read on! You don’t need your brain anyway!
****
The broken prophecies
BF: Yes, but are they *house*broken prophecies?
by 134175
BF: Well, at least it isn’t a name like "ZukosSecretLUVchild".
I am only going to say this once:
BF: (Author) I have no idea what I’m doing.
I do not own Avatar.
BF: (Author) Child protection agencies forbade me coming near any of the characters.
Chapter One: Training
Aang had just learned his fourth element.
BF: (Aang) Beryllium!
He wakes up the day after to see that
BF: He still had over a hundred to learn.
(Aang) Chemistry stinks!
the gang has made camp in a cave in a forest somewhere.
BF: In Yogi’s forest, to be exact.
(Sokka, wrestling against Yogi) No WAY am I giving up my meat!
(Yogi) You’re crashing in my cave! You should at least give me ONE picnic basket!
He woke up on Appa and Momo
BF: That couldn’t have been very comfortable for Momo.
(Momo, under sleeping Aang) Every time I bite him, all he does is mumble, "Not so hard, Katara!"
as on Appa’s head. First he looked at Sokka who was dreaming about steak
BF: Vegetables were reserved for nightmares.
because he was eating his sleeping bag
BF: Whoa, shouldn’t he take his sleeping bag on a couple dates before they get intimate?
but what gave it away was when he mumble
BF: (Sokka) You may be comfortable, sleeping bag, but you’re also full of meat...
"Oh steak, will you never leave me because I have a very important question.
BF: (Sokka) What is the meaning of life?
(Steak) 42.
(Sokka) Really?
(Steak) How should I know? I’m a piece of MEAT.
Will you bear my children?" he muttered.
BF: (Miroku) Okay, okay, good first try. But in the future, when someone refers banging a "piece of meat", they’re not actually being literal about it...
Aang thought "I can’t believe he would want to have kids with a steak...
BF: (Aang) I always thought he would be doing it with white meat!
..maybe he would."
BF: (Sokka, heated) This steak is giving me a major T-boner!
He laughed little.
BF: The thought of Sokka getting it on with a steak makes me laugh very little too.
Then he looked over at Katara.
BF: (Aang) Sokka? Check! Katara? Check! Looks like everyone’s accounted for!
(Toph) What about me?
(Aang) Shhhhh!! You’ll wake them!
Her hair was down out of her usual braids
BF: I didn’t realize she had more than one.
(Katara) I keep an auxiliary braid tucked safely under my shirt.
and into her face, her tan skin, her flawless body.
BF: Well, almost flawless.
(Aang) I don’t mind the webbed feet, though.
She is so gorgeous he thought if only I had the courage to tell her the truth, that I
BF: (Aang) ...was the one who ratted her out to the pirates.
(Katara) WHAT?
(Aang) Just being a good citizen and reporting shoplifters!
love her. But she deserves someone better,
BF: *snort*...like who? Zuko? (Hit by angry Zutara fans)
someone who can be there for her at all times,
BF: Sometimes, Aang had to leave her alone for five whole minutes while he took a visit to the john.
someone who was not a wanted man in any way,
BF: No Zuko, no Iroh, no Jeong Jeong, no Jet, no Haru, no Blue Spirit...
(Katara) It’s like half the male population of Avatar was wiped out in one stroke!
someone who dose not have enemies who will try to kill him and the closest to him,
BF: (Katara) Great, now they’re ALL gone!
someone who will come back from his destiny not MIGHT,
BF: (Katara) Are we trying to make me into an old maid here?
someone who is allowed to fall in love,
BF: (Aang) I am not allowed to love...
(Katara) Why not?
(Aang) The Wizard never gave me a Heart....
someone who is not the Avatar. She deserves someone else.
BF: (Katara) But you already eliminated everyone else!
He shakes the thought and said" Well, I better go train."
BF: Aang? Train? On his own initiative?
(Aang) Riding animals is considered training, right?
(BF) Not unless you’re planning to ride the Fire Lord....
(Aang).........you think he’d let me do it?
He went into the forest and the sound of the bushes and twigs breaking woke Katara from her light slumber.
BF: So much for being "light on out feet", Aang.
She saw Aang’s red and yellow poncho
BF: Poncho? Is that really what you call it?
(Aang) I call it fashion!
go through the trees.
BF: His poncho went through the trees, without Aang?
(Aang) Poncho, come back! It’s cold out here!
She started to wonder where he was going
BF: (Points a couple lines above) The forest! Duh!
and followed him making sure that he did not see her.
BF: Careful not to break any twigs, Katara.
Aang stopped in a clearing by a river. He took off his shirt and pants and was standing in his underwear and started to stretch.
BF: Woo hoo! ....wait. Aang’s twelve years old. This isn’t going to be visually stimulating for me for another three or four years.
When he was done with that he stated to breathe deep breaths
BF: Katara, of course, complied with his statement immediately.
and started to air bend. First he started with the basics like gusts and running and jumps.
BF: This sounds more like a gymnastics routine than airbender training...
Then he starts to do more advance techniques like
BF: breaking wind.
tornados and flying. Then he did something Katara never saw him do before.
BF: Clean up after himself?
He took a deep breath and swirls his arms
BF: Huh? She sees him waving around like a nut all the time!
and he creates a giant cyclone and cleared about fifty feet in front of him.
BF: (Aang) When Appa’s too full to mow the lawn, I take care of it myself!
Her jaw was wide open." Is he really that strong?" she whispered to herself.
BF: Uh, Katara? Episode 3? Episode 14? Episode 21?
(Katara) Hey, that was my stunt double there, not me.
Then with no break
BF: No rest for the weary!
he started to water bend. Once again he started simple with basic movements
BF: Like splashing and squirting.
and an occasional water whip. Katara smiled as she saw the young monk bend.
BF: (Katara) Teehee, I taught him those moves. Go me!
Then he went into advance moves like making ice and water blades. Her smile grew even more.
BF: Liar. We all know Katara gets a big bug up her ass whenever Aang outclasses her.
(Katara) What! I haven’t even gotten to that level yet! He must be using cheat codes!
Then Aang did a new move that she hadn’t even known existed.
BF: Probably because he made it up as he went along.
(Aang) Story of my life.
First he bended the water in to ice, then he
BF: Shaved it.
(Aang) Behold! I bring you... "Snow Cones!"
turned it to sharp crystals and shot them into the trees,
BF: (Trees) OW.
the he bended them back to water and it absorbed into the trees.
BF: (Trees) Oh, how nice of you to water us after using us as *target practice*!
" What is he doing?" she wondered but she was shocked at what happened next.
BF: Aang lost his trunks.
(Aang, looking down) I really need to get a belt.
The tree started to shake
BF: (Merry) You know...some folks said there was something in the wood that could make the trees talk...come alive...even *move*....
(Pippin) I already heard this story once, dammit!
and then the absorbed water busted out and the tree exploded.
BF: (Trees) OMGWTFBBQ!!!! (killed ded)
Aang bended the water back to the river and moved on.
BF: I think maybe we should trade in Aang’s flying bison for a blue ox.
Katara was stunned to see the ruthlessness of that move and whispered "Aang is never that brutal!
BF: I see you were also not paying attention during "The Desert" episode, either.
(Katara, flatly) Stunt double.
What’s wrong with him?"
BF: He’s gone to the dark side! Angst!
Then Aang started to earth bend. He started easy with hitting rocks as he bended them. Then he worked harder
BF: ...rocking and rolling like no one’s business.
and bended the earth to make a shockwave that sent trees flying.
BF: Boy, it is a CRAPPY day to be a tree.
Katara was able to stay on the ground.
BF: Which is amazing, since she doesn’t even have roots embedded deep into the earth.
(Katara) The weight of my "maturity" keeps me down.
Then he did a new move.
BF: (Trees) Awwww shit, this can’t be good!
He bended rock around his hands and he made gloves with spikes on them.
BF: (Aang) Now my Knuckles cosplay is complete!
He started to slam his fists against the trees knocking them down.
BF: (Trees) Jesus Christ, he’s slaughtering us! What did we ever do to him?
(Jeff the Tree) I might have dropped an acorn on him the other day...
(Trees) Dammit, Jeff! What were you thinking, man? Now you’ve gone and pissed him off!
(Jeff) Sorry!
" I can tell something is eating at him" she said to herself.
BF: A hate of trees?
Then he started to fire bend. This time he went all out.
BF: (Trees) AHHH F**K!!!
He tilted his head back and breathed fire.
BF: (Aang) Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu!
Katara was scared.
BF: So am I!
"Well that is enough for today" Aang said as he returned to his normal self.
BF: And as the trees shuddered and huddled together...
He got into the river to soak.
BF: Nothing like a good soak after forest devastation!
(Hei Bai) That’s it! You are so getting a blast of my Panda Breath!
(Aang) Ack! Smells like bad potstickers!
"Mind if I join you?" a voice said.
BF: As Zuko sauntered towards Aang, it was then Katara learned of the Avatar’s relationship with their pursuer.
"Katara?" Aang was shocked.
BF: (Aang, covering Zuko and himself up) This isn’t what it looks like!
This is my first one R&R net chap. up soon
BF: There’s more of this?
(Trees) GOOD GOD, NO!
***
Chapter two
Kiss behind the water fall
BF: But no shift key under the finger, I see.
"Sure Katara just let me make a few adjustments." Aang got up out of the river and
BF: Cupped himself and scooted his junk around in his underwear.
(Aang) Oh, that feels better already!
did some earth bending and made a little pond next to the river and closed it off.
BF: Any trees die in the process?
Aang got back in a said "is it to cold for you?" Katara put her toe in and said "a little." Aang smiled and said "I can’t believe you are from the South Pole..." he gave a little grin
BF: (Aang) Wuss.
"but don’t worry I can fix the temperature." He then put his hands together and blew steam out of his nose, heating up the water. "Now how is that?" he asked. Katara put her toe in and said "Perfect.
BF: (Katara) I mean, except for all the snot floating around in it.
Could you turn away?" Aang looked confused at first
BF: (Aang) What, you mean I don’t get to ogle you?
but he got the message. "Sure." He said as he turned away
BF: ...and cleverly waterbended some ice into a reflective surface for him to peep over his shoulder at her.
Katara then striped down until she was in her undergarments.
BF: Were they striped undergarments?
She got into the pond and said "O.K. I’m in." Aang turned to face forward not wanting to offend Katara by staring at the features he so badly wanted to see.
BF: Geez, it’s not like he hasn’t seen them up close and personal before!
(Aang) Waterbending training is the sexiest training of all!
After about 10 minutes Aang got out and said "We should get back to camp.
BF: (Aang) No point in staying here, since I can’t get a good view of your boobs and all.
Sokka is probably wondering were we are.
BF: (Sokka) No, not really.
That is if he is not still dreaming about having kids with a steak."
BF: The ONLY way that dream could be made worse was if it was an "m-preg" one.
(Aang) Wait...is that for "male-pregnancy" or "meat-pregnancy"?
(BF) ....I.....just stop talking, Aang....
Katara looked at him oddly
BF: (Katara) How can you have kids with a sharpened wooden stick?
(Aang) No, not "stake"! STEAK!
and shock her head.
BF: Frizzing her hair.
(Katara) Oh, this will take forever to tame!
Aang gave Katara a hand out of the pond
BF: (slyly) I bet he did.
and they both got dressed. Aang made sure not to look.
BF: ...at anything but Katara.
When they were both dressed Aang dried them off
BF: Golly, shouldn’t they have done that before they got dressed and made their clothes soggy?
(Aang) Hey, I can’t blow-dry what I’m not supposed to look at!
and they headed back to camp where Sokka was wondering were.
BF: Uh...I’m "wondering were" about that last sentence.
Aang said that he went to train and Katara went to
BF: Be a voyeur.
watch. Sokka shrugged and went to his sleeping bag and went to sleep.
BF: Oh, c’mon Sokka, stop being lazy!
(Sokka) Lazy? I’m tired! I couldn’t get a wink of sleep with Paul Bunyan over there!
That is when they realized that it was night.
BF: WTF? All the sudden it’s night? And they *just* noticed?
(Aang, defensively) Well, you just noticed too!
They were out all day!
BF: Huh? After an hour or so of tree devastation and ten minutes of hot-tubbing?
(Katara) Well, they days are much shorter in Avatarland!
(Aang) Especially when you’re stoned for most of it!
Katara went to her sleeping bag but did not go to sleep.
BF: Makes sense, since she woke up only two hours ago at most.
Aang was on Appa’s tail just starring into space
BF: The final frontier.
when Katara came over and sat next to him.
BF: (Appa) I’m not a bench, you know.
"Are you ok? What’s bothering you Aang?" Katara asked with a worried expression on her face.
BF: (Katara) Is it the trees? Are their leaves too green for you?
"I don’t believe..." Aang started "I can."
BF: (Aang) Make it through this crazy fic...
"Can what?" she asked "Win." He finished. "What?" she said shocked and confused
BF: Yeah, I’m kinda lost here too, sister.
"I don’t think I can win against
BF: (Aang) Iroh. He’s too crafty at Pai Sho. And I know he keeps lotus tiles up his sleeve.
the Fire Lord. It is too much pressure."
BF: (Aang) He can kill lots more trees than I can!
Aang said then he lifted his arm and got his glider and took off.
She rushed to Appa and yelled "Yip Yip!" Then Appa flew off the ground chasing Aang
BF: (Katara) Taxi! Follow that Avatar!
above the trees. Then Aang took a dive down
BF: (Trees) Ahhh! He’s coming down here!
a water fall and into a cave.
BF: Of Two Lovers?
(Zutara fans) Please. There is enough Kataang already.
Katara got to him two minutes later
BF: Appa had to make a pit stop at the Drive Thru first.
to find him with his knees to his chest and crying.
BF: (Zuko) Why can’t he angst like normal people, and go find a mountaintop to scream off of?
"Aang..."she started but stopped to see that his arrows were glowing.
BF: Aang typically went into "nightlight" mode when it got dark.
She was paralyzed with fear as he walks slowly towards her.
BF: Yeah, if a glowing Avatar was walking towards me, I would be pissing myself too.
He stopped in front of her and whisper "I finally found the courage."
BF: Suddenly, thanks to his newfound courage, his DigiVice began to glow!
Aang: Cool! Now I can take my Digimon to the next level!
Then out of the blue he put his hand on her cheek and kissed her gently but lovingly on the lips. She was shocked but loved this moment.
BF: Booter was shocked and *didn’t*.
He broke the kiss after what seemed like hours
BF: Well, with the way time flows in this fic, you never know.
(Sokka) Where have those two been for the past week?
and passed out in Katara’s arms.
BF: (Katara) What? Done already?.....*sigh* Men!
Hoped you injoyed
BF: Injoyed? Yes. Enjoyed? No.
***
Chapter three
The shark attack
BF: Oh, boy, this sounds promising.
Aang woke up on Appa’s tail with little memory of last night.
BF: How much had he had to drink?
Katara was lying next to him and seemed kind of giddy.
BF: How much had SHE had to drink?
He looked at her and he got the memory of last night he actually kissed Katara on the LIPS!
BF: LYKE NO WAI!!!1
Aang’s face turned so red you could have mistaken it for a cherry!
BF: And Booter’s face turned so green you could have mistaken it for a lime.
Katara look at him and saw him blushing and planted a kiss on his cheek. Aang got up and said "We’re packing up. We’re heading to Kioshi Island!"
BF: Which must be next door to Kyoshi Island.
Sokka and Katara looked confused "Why?" Sokka asked.
BF: Che. Aang obviously feels uncomfortable about taking his relationship with Katara any further.
(Katara) He’s trying to change the subject!
"For my training.
BF: Training? Right. We all know why he wants to go there...
(Aang) I figure if I can master riding the Unagi, I can master riding the Fire Lord!
It has all of the elements and the people love us
BF: (Kyoshi villagers) Yeah, we love them for being the ones indirectly responsible for the burning of our village.
so I figured it would be a good place to train." Aang said "O.K. by me." Katara said and got on Appa.
BF: Roadtrip!
After five straight days of non stop flying
BF: Uh...
Appa was on the bridge of passing out.
BF: (slapping head) YEAH!
(Appa) Isn’t there a fic where I don’t get abused?
(BF) Well, yeah. There’s—
(Appa) Or ignored?
(BF) Um...give me a minute.
They were still over water.
BF: It’s okay. Appa’s a floater.
Appa would not stop yawning and was five seconds before unconsciousness.
BF: Why didn’t Aang let Appa rest while they were still over land?
(Aang) MUST. RIDE. UNAGI.
"OHH CRAP!" Aang yield "What?" Sokka asked.
BF: (Sokka) Since when did Aang swear?
"HANG ON TO SOMETHING!"
BF: (Sokka) How about your glider, so we can all glide off safely?
(Aang) I don’t think the glider can hold Appa!
(Sokka) *facepalm*
Aang screamed as Appa fell unconscious into the ocean.
BF: CANNONBALL!
On the impact Katara fell off into the water.
BF: You obviously weren’t hanging onto something, were you, Katara?
(Katara) All the good seats were taken!
"KATARA! NOOO!"
BF: NUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
Aang screamed as he jumped in to help her.
BF: Help her *what*? She’s a waterbender!
He then noticed a fin swimming fast for Katara "Oh shit!"
BF: Yeah, because we all know how sharks are attracted to enormous splashes caused by falling bisons.
He said and swam out of control towards Katara,
BF: Well, not really, since he was swimming in little circles.
(Katara) Aang! I’m over here!.....oh, nevermind.
knocked out in the water.
BF: If Katara is unconscious, shouldn’t she have slipped under the surface by now?
(Katara) The air bubble trapped under my skirt saved my life!
She woke up to see a set of giant jaws ready to eat her.
BF: (Shark) I’M GONNA EAT YOU!!! GET IN MAH BELLY!!!!
She huddled, and braced herself.
BF:...why is she not letting out the whoop-ass via waterbending? Goddamn you kids, how many episodes does Katara have to kick ass in before you realize she’s not a damsel in distress?!
But nothing happened.
BF: Katara looked up to see the mechanical shark had frozen in place.
(Director) CUT! Get the tech guys in here to fix the animatronics pronto!
A drop of blood on her face made her look
BF: If she was closing her eyes, how could she tell it was blood and not water?
to see Aang with the shark’s teeth coming out of his hands saving Katara.
BF: Wow, Aang stopped a massive shark with just his hands?
(Aang) When you’ve been wrestling sharks as long as I have, you learn a thing or two.
"AANG!" Katara yelled with excitement
BF: Katara must like seeing guys in pain.
(Katara) It’s what attracted me to Zuko.
that he had come to her rescue but also terrified at the sight of the teeth going through his hands.
BF: (Katara) Damn, it’s going to be a loooong night of water-healing for me!
"Get back to Appa, NOW!" she was frozen in horror.
BF: What? Katara has NEVER been "frozen in horror".....except that ONE time....
(Katara, looking down in terror at Sokka’s dirty socks) DEAR GOD, SAVE ME.
"DAMN IT I SAID GO!"
BF: (Aang) Now is not the time to sit around and look pretty!
He said as he water bended her onto Appa.
BF: SIIIIIIIIIIGH. Why is Katara not waterbending herself? Why can’t she help Aang? Must be new moon, I guess.
Aang was still fighting the shark.
BF: I’d like to know how, on account the shark is making lunch out of his one arm.
The shark started to overpower him as it put its jaws around his head.
BF: Overpower? I think it’s called "moving onto main course".
"AANG!" Katara screamed fearing for Aang’s life.
BF: Well, on account of Aang’s head is in the jaws of a shark, I’d say Katara’s fear does not shock me in the slightest.
He then snapped the shark’s jaws.
BF: Uh...care to tell us how you did that, Conan?
(Aang) When you’ve been wrestling sharks as long as I have, you learn a thing or two.
(BF, skeptical) Uh-huuuuuh.
He then pulled out tooth from the corps
BF: Looks like he pulled the "e" out of the end of that "corpse" too.
and retuned
BF: his guitar
to Appa.
Before anyone could say anything Aang was going trough a bag and found a string.
BF: Good thinking, Aang! We’ll need to string to help stitch up your grievous wounds!
He turned the tooth into a necklace and put it around Katara’s neck.
BF: Oooooor you could make some cheap jewelry. Whatever works for you.
"A shark tooth is supposed to be good luck around people of the water tribe."
BF: A statement I find ironically amusing, considering all the shark-themed misfortune that just happened.
Aang said with a loving smile.
BF: I know love is bliss, Aang, but SHARK BITES!
She noticed that he had a steady stream of blood dripping from his hands.
BF: You know, I’d be interested to know how he made ANY jewelry with his hands like that.
(Aang) The power of love!
"We need to bandage you hands now!" As Katara was bandaging his wounds Appa woke up because some more sharks were coming
BF: Because, as we all know, sharks love bisons. Even more than chum.
and he flew away. But Sokka fell off.
BF: (laughing hysterically) It’s during moments like this you can’t help BUT laugh! (Wipes eyes) It’s just so "WTF?" !
"Sokka you too?" Aang said as he jumped off of Appa.
BF: Sokka, why did you just fall off Appa like a total retard?
(Sokka) I wanted a shark necklace too!
He caught up to Sokka and air bended him up on to Appa.
BF: (Sokka) Woo! Let’s do it again!
But before he could get himself up there a shark bit him in the leg and broke his bone and left teeth marks in his leg.
BF: Wow, the sharks sure are frisky today.
He screamed in pain and fire bended on the shark until it was well done.
BF: First trees, then sharks. The carnage just does not end in this fic!
He grabbed it
BF: Don’t do that Aang! Shark are like dogs: they bite when you grab their privates!
and jumped back up to Appa.
BF: HOW did Aang haul that huge-ass fish all the way up to Appa? With his hands in tatters and other serious wounds?
(Aang) When you’ve been wrestling sh—
(BF) Okay, just stop that.
"Here you Sokka this should last you until
BF: Dinner.
(Sokka) What?! But what about second breakfast?
we get to kioshi island." He said as he threw the cooked shark to Sokka’s feet.
BF: How big is this shark exactly, that Aang can throw it around like a ragdoll?
(Aang) Actually, I think it’s just a catfish!
(Sokka) Man, the animal blends just keep getting weirder and weirder on this show!
"MEAT!" Sokka said as he started inhaling the shark.
BF: (gravely) Sokka, how long have you been doing shark?
(Sokka) Not long! It’s not like I’m addicted or anything! I can quit anytime!
Katara rolled her eyes as she looked at Aang and she noticed a pool of blood under his right leg and the pool was growing.
BF: And growing, and growing, and growing....
(Katara) It’s alive!
"AANG!" she yelled as Aang’s eyes rolled to the back of his head as he passed out.
BF: Geez, Aang, you would think taking care of serious wounds would be a more pressing matter than bringing your buddies souvenirs from your shark fight!
(Aang) What can I say? I’m a giving sort of guy!
Next chapter be up soon.
BF: My lunch is going to be up soon.
***
Chapter four
Aang’s sister
BF: Ahhhh, craaaaap. An OC. Even worse, an OC who’s related to one of the canon characters. Just when I thought this fic could suck no more.
Aang started to wake up to a throbbing pain in his leg.
BF: He still has a leg?
His eyes opened to see Katara smiling and happy
BF: Wow, Katara REALLY likes to see guys in pain.
(Katara) So, Haru, what was it like watching your father get dragged away to a hellhole of a prison?
that he was waking up yet scared and concerned because he was bit by a shark.
BF: After all, that shark might have rabies.
Aang bit his lower lip to try to ease the pain.
BF: A trick to taking your mind of the pain of a shark bite—bite somewhere else!
"Aang are you alright?" she asked a tear coming down her cheek. As he reached up and wiped the tear from her face he said "I’m fine. It was only a over grown fish."
BF: (Sokka, grumpy) And over cooked!
He forced a chuckle and smiled tying to cheer her up. "We are landing to take you to a doctor."
BF: (Aang) Where?
(Katara) The Crazy Herbal Lady.
(Aang, worried) Can I get a second opinion?
She said sadly but not crying.
BF: (Katara) Big girls don’t cry!
"Did Sokka enjoy the meat?" Aang asked.
BF: Do you really need to ask, Aang?
"Why don’t you take a look?" she said as she pointed to Sokka. He was so full on meat that they both thought that his stomach was going to bust out of his cloths
BF: Looks like Sokka’s girdle could no longer hold back the beer belly.
or his cloths would rip off.
BF: Hmm...that’s not too bad. *I* Never complain about Sokka with less clothes on.
Unfortunately it had to be the second one. "UGHHHHHHH! SOKKA COVER YOURSELF!"
BF: (Sokka) Dangit, where’s Momo when you need him?
(Momo, indignant) I’m not a censor bar!
Sokka got a blanket and raped it around him.
BF: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Should I call a Blanket Help Hotline?
They landed and they found a doctor.
BF: Which I find odd that they need, since Katara’s a walking, talking first aid kit.
(Sokka) If only we could scratch the talking part...(gets waterwhipped) OW!
The doctor looked at Aang.
BF: (Doctor) How long have you been balding, son?
"Did he try to block swords with his hands?
BF: Um...do swords typically make *tooth* marks?
What the hell happened to him?" the doctor clueless.
BF: Okay, when your doctor doesn’t have a clue, it’s time to get out!
(Doctor) Okay, Aang, lets have a look at your vagina.
(Aang) TIME TO GO!
"He got attacked by sharks in the ocean to the north." Katara told him. "SHARKS FROM THE NORTH!
BF: INCONCEIVABLE!
He is lucky to have this much body on him.
BF: But he is not so lucky to have friends with stupid brains and weak grips.
(Sokka and Katara) We SAID we were sorry!
The sharks form the north are seven times bigger
BF: (Sokka, patting belly) You’re tellin’ me!
and stronger
BF: (Aang, pointing to bloody nubs) You’re telling me!
than any other shark in the world!"
BF: They’re like Viking Sharks!
the doctor said not believing what he just heard.
BF: (Doctor) I can’t believe there are people stupid enough to go into shark infested waters these days.
"Doc do you have any fresh water
BF: (Katara) Bottled, please...I don’t drink tap.
not salt?" Katara asked. "Yes. Why?" the doctor asked. "I can heal him but the salt water is more painful than healing."
BF: (Doctor) Wait...salt HURTS when you rub it in a wound?
(Aang and Katara) YES!!!
She said. "Right. Here is some." He said as he reached into the cupboard.
BF: Yeah. I keep water in my cupboard all the time!
He handed it to Katara and she bended it and healed Aang’s leg and hands.
BF: Was there any reason coming to a doctor if Katara was going to do all the work anyway?
(Aang) We needed someone to gawk and look stupid.
(BF) But don’t you already have Sokka? (Gets hit with boomerang)
"AMAZING!" The doctor said in a dumbfounded way.
BF: (Doctor)...Damn, I’m going to be out of a job.
"He will need to rest for a while." Katara said. "I am going to stay here with him."
BF: (Aang) Helloooooo, nurse!
The other two left the room because they figured she wanted to be alone.
BF: (Aang) With ME!
Aang woke up
BF: Wait, he fell asleep?
(Aang) Well, with this dialog, can you blame me?
and stared at Katara.
BF: (Aang, realizing) You mean I got my hands chewed up for *that*?
"Hey how do you feel?" she asked. "Great. But I am a little drained. Would you hold me Katara?" Aang asked
BF: Milking that pity, aren’t you Aang?
(Aang) I’m gonna ride this love train alllllll the way home!
struggling to
BF: Hide his smile.
speak. "Sure." She said as she cuddled with Aang. Sokka was coming in to tell Katara that a Fire Nation squad
BF: Of cheerleaders.
was five miles away and they were coming this way when he caught the two in the bed under the COVERS.
BF: NOT UNDER THE COVERS!!! OH NOES!!!
And Sokka flipped.
BF: (Sokka, angry) Spooning? Without ME? How dare you!
He grabbed Aang by
BF: The horns!
the shirt and slammed him against the wall. "WHAT THE HELL WHERE YOU THINKING?"
BF: (Sokka) Cuddling with my sister?! You SICK FREAK!
punching Aang in the face.
BF: Not the face, Sokka! Not the face!
"Sokka what are you doing? Put him down!" Katara begged.
BF: No, Katara, speak to him firmly!
(Katara) Put him down! (Swats Sokka with newspaper) Don’t make me put you outside for the night!
"NO! I WILL NOT LET WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AS A KID HAPPEN ANGAIN!"
BF: Yes, the tragic truth is: Katara was often cuddled as a kid.
(Sokka) I get sick thinking about it. Even our own mother and father cuddled her!
Sokka screamed at Katara. "Do you really think Aang would rap ME?
BF: I don’t know...
(Aang, busting out the beats)
I love Katara,
from her toes to her braid.
Too bad I’m a monk,
so we’ll never get laid.
Oh well, too bad.
I guess she’ll be an old maid.
WORD.
(Katara, angry) NOT "word".
Or anyone for that manner?" Katara yelled back.
BF: (Aang, writing rap lyrics) What rhymes with "scar"?
(Zuko) ...........(shoots flame at Aang) How’s that?
"....rap..." he whispered.
BF: "....wtf...." Booter whispered.
"Sokka. Do what you want to me.
BF: (Aang) Take me now!
I know what you feel like and it hurts. Mine hurts more because
BF: (Aang) ...I have, like, ten million shark bites added onto it!
my sister was KILLED after she was rapped."
BF: I tell you, the music industry is a tough place for rappers.
He said tears flooding his eyes. "Sogo ahead get you’re feelings out AT LEAST YOU’RE SISTER LIVED AFTER BEING RAPPED!"
BF: (choking on laughter) Lemme tell you kids: nothing renders the sorrow of rape into something hilarious like bad spelling.
The whole room was silent.
BF: (Sokka, thinking) Should I tell Aang it’s "rape" and not "rap"?
Sokka put him down and Katara went to his side. "Aang can you tell us what happened?"
BF: Ohhh, geez. We have to have a painstaking account about somebody’s rape? If I wanted that, I’d go watch a "serious" episode of Oprah!
I thought it would be cool if Aang had family too.
BF: People need to stop doing that.
So I gave him a sister.
BF: I guess she thought it would be cool if his sister were a rape—er, "rap"—victim too.
Thanks for the reviews. Have any suggestions I might put them in if they are really good.
BF: How about this: "THE END!" ?
Next chapter up soon.
***
Chapter four
History lesson from a 100 years ago
BF: As taught by Professor Binns
(Aang) Must...stay....awaaaake.....
"Fine." Aang said still on the ground crying. "It happened back in the air temple 100 years ago..."
Flashback
BF: Cue swirly vision!
My sister was on Appa in the earth kingdom looking for fruit
BF: All she really needed to do was raid Toucan Sam’s island!
to give me as a surprise.
BF: Actually, she was hoping Gyatso was going to bake a pie with them!
I hade just given her a locket
BF: With a secret message hidden inside, I’m so sure.
and she wanted to return the jester.
BF: (Aang) Why are you returning the jester?
(Aang’s sister) He’s just not funny, not funny at all.
(Clooney the Clown) *SOB*!
While she was picking fruit she found a near death man lying in the woods.
BF: Well, with all the fruit around, I think we can rule out starvation as the cause of his deathly state..
Her kind-hearted nature made her pick up the man
BF: I guess the same super-human strength that allowed Aang to haul shark was inherited by her too.
and returned to the air temple.
BF: Western or Eastern?
She nursed the man back to health in a week.
BF: (Aang’s sister) Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Kikyo! Who’s the better, kinder healer now?
One day I was heading to my room when I heard screams coming from the basement. I ran down there
BF: Aang, Aang, Aang! How many times must I warn you to stay out of there? Don’t you watch horror movies?
(Aang) Wait...you mean the basement is where Zuko shoots his sex tapes?
and I found that man that my sister nursed to health rapping her.
BF: (Aang) Now, I could handle if he was R&Bing her, but rapping? That’s where I draw the line!
When he saw me he snapped her neck.
BF: (Aang’s sister) Couldn’t you have just sent a card to say thanks instead?
I screamed and went into a rage I air bended that basturd
BF: Basturd: it’s like a "bastard" and a "turd" put together! Their combined power make it the most lethal of all insults!
threw the wall
BF: But not "through" the wall, as he does not posses ghosting abilities.
and off the cliff.
BF: Hmm...I wonder if he’s still alive. Well, if he is, he’s probably not happy.
(Rap Guy) At least I only have to worry about southern sharks biting me, and not the northern ones! They’re seven times larger and more powerful than any other shark in the world!
I ran to my sister and held her in my arms screaming her to wake up. It was too late.
BF: Lenny had already broke her.
We had a funeral and she was buried in the garden because that was her favorite place.
BF: (Aang) We thought about burying her in the litterbox, as she also spent a great deal of time there, but Gyatso said no.
She was the only family I had. I was all alone.
BF: (Gyatso) Wait...what about me?
Back to present
The room was silent while Aang finished.
BF: (Sokka) You totally just made that up to get off my bad side, didn’t you?
"Then they decided to make me even more miserable by telling me that
BF: (Aang) I would have to shave my lustrous locks of hair!
I was the Avatar. That is when I ran away and got trap in an iceberg." Silence.
BF: Man, I hate these awkward moments.
"Aang. What did you’re sister look like?" Katara asked breaking the silence. "She looked like
BF: (Aang)...me, only with boobs.
(Sokka and Katara) ....yeesh.
you Katara only with two long pigtails." Aang said staring into her beautiful eyes. "ME? SHE LOOKED LIKE ME?" Katara looked dumbfounded.
BF: Yeah, when did Air Nomads start having dark skin, blue eyes, and long braids?
"Yeah." Aang said "Aang I am soooo sorry that I lost control and hit you
BF: (Sokka) ...it’s just, you know....that time of the month...
(Katara, understandingly) It’s okay.
it is just I am a little overprotective of my baby sister." Sokka said with a meaningful look on his face.
BF: I’m kinda wondering what he’s being meaningful about...or to whom...
"A LITTLE?" Katara said with a little anger
BF: "A LITTLE" ANGER?
in her words.
"You will be fine you just need to rest for a while." The doctor said examining Aang.
BF: Where he was examining Aang, I won’t ask.
He nodded and lie down in the covers and tried to go to sleep.
BF: It was very hard to do with his patient nightgown on.
(Aang) It’s so drafty in the back!
The doctor left the room and Sokka said "I have a feeling I am forgetting something very important. Ah well, forget it it’s probably is not that important."
BF: (Appa, stranded in parking lot) Hello? Anyone?
Sokka shrugged and left. Katara left to use the bath room.
BF: (Katara) It’s the only place I can smoke a cigarette in peace.
When Aang was all alone he got his glider and wrote a note addressed to Katara.
BF: "Dear Katara,
I cannot hide my feelings anymore. Your hair-loopies drive me crazy. The next time I see them I’m going to cut them off.
Love,
Aang"
He placed it on his bed and flew out of the
BF: Nest.
window heading for the forest. Katara walked in five minutes later
BF: Geez, why so long?
(Katara, in bathroom) Gah, these blow dryers never really dry your hands! Where’s Aang when you need them?
and she saw that he was not in his bed. "AANG! WHERE DID YOU GO?"
BF: (Katara, checking under bed) Okay...monster...serpent...nightmares....but no Aang!
This chapter even made me cry.
BF: Me too, it sucked that bad.
Next chapter things will get much better
BF: Hmm...I don’t know if that really means "better" or "worse" for me...
and you will find out why this story is called "the broken prophecies"
BF: Probably because Aang was playing airball inside again.
(Gyatso) Look at this mess! Who broke this prophesy?
(Aang, pointing to Appa) He did.
***
Chapter five
Lightning does strike more than once
BF: (singing) Lightning strikes me agaaaiin~! Lightning strikes me again and again and again and agaaaiin~!
Katara ran over to the note on the bed and started to read it.
BF: (Katara, squinting) What is this chicken scratch?
Katara
I knew you would be the one to find this letter first.
BF: (Aang) Since you’re the mother hen and all.
I just went into the forest to clear my head and release some emotions.
BF: (Trees, screaming in terror) MAKE HIM STOP, MAKE HIM STOP!!!
I should be back by sunrise.
BF: Aang HAD to return to his friends, for with every sunrise he turned to stone, only to be awaked from his slumber by the fall of night!
If I am not I probably fell asleep in the woods
BF: Translation: Got stoned and lost.
and will come back soon. Please do not try to follow me.
BF: Aang, you know once you tell Katara not to do something she does it!
(Pakku) Dammit, didn’t I just say no waterbending for girls?
I do not want you to get hurt.
BF: (Trees) What about us?!
Aang
"He is too weak right now.
BF: And, um, emotionally unstable.
What a Fire Nation comes while he is resting or exhausted?
BF: (Fire Nation soldier #1) I think he’s asleep!
(Fire Nation soldier #2) Dude, go get some whip cream and put it in his hand! I’ll tickle his nose!
I have to find him!" With that she ran and got on to Appa and headed to the forest.
"Sis... Damn it sis why did you leave me like that?
BF: (Aang) How could you ditch me in a bad fic? And I thought Zuko’s sister was evil!
And with out a single reminder of you except the memory of you dying."
BF: Uh...didn’t they spend time together at all while they were kids?
Aang said as his legs gave in and he collapsed to the ground.
BF: (Aang) The angst is to heavy for me to stand up!
(Zuko) Rookie.
He started to beat his hands bloody on the ground and rocks
BF: Um, gee, Aang, didn’t we just get finished healing your hands from the shark attack?
(Doctor) This guy is putting my kids through college!
until lightning struck a tree three times.
BF: Water explosion, crushing spiked rocks, fireballs, and now lighting. Aang is certainly a pioneer in very painful ways to kill a tree.
It finally caught his attention.
BF: Wow, that must have been some powerful angst to not have noticed that lighting.
(Zuko) Man, whenever *I* scream for lighting at the top of a mountain I don’t get so much as one lousy bolt, but when he beats himself on the ground he gets THREE? (Sulks)
"It must be a coincidence."
BF: No such thing in fanfics, Aang. No such thing.
He whispered as he continued to slam his hands down.
BF: Ack, Aang! Maybe you should leave your hands alone?
(Aang, raising bloody nubs) But I hardly feel a thing!
Each time his hands touched the ground a lightning bolt would hit a tree.
BF: (Tree #1) Dude! Dude! Are you okay?
(Tree #2, in agony) Here, take this chainsaw and be my mercy angel!
He looked up and there was not a cloud in the sky.
BF: A couple Sephiroths, but no Clouds.
He was shocked for a minute
BF: Well, considering all the lightning he’s throwing around...
(Zuko, enraged) Azula first, then HIM TOO?!
but tried an experiment.
BF: You know the trees are celebrating.
(Tree) Isn’t anybody going to HELP us?
He focused on a tree and slammed his hands on the ground. A bolt of lightning hit the tree and in the spot were he was focusing.
BF: Oh great, he’s an alchemist too. Yay.
(Edward Elric) Hey, you just stick to you own show, okay?
found out he could bend lightning.
BF: Um...you mean firebending in the "purest sense", right? Because that’s what it is.
(Author) I’m a factbender!
(BF) And at an advanced level too, I see.
He was so happy that he just started to bend all over the forest.
BF: (Treebeard, surveying forest devastation) ...Many of these trees were my friends! I knew them from nut and acorn...(turning to Aang) Aang! An Avatar should know better!
Katara was on Appa and saw that there were no clouds
BF: And, uh, no trees.
and that the lightning did not move spots.
BF: It might move stripes and plaids, but it did not moves spots.
She went there to see what was going on
BF: (Katara) Heeey, where’s the party?
and she found Aang making
BF: Toothpicks out of the remainders of the trees.
the lightning. He saw her and gave her a big hug. But he did not know it but a feud was going on in Aang.
BF: (Devil Aang) Just feel her butt up really quickly!
(Angel Aang) No, Aang! She’s your friend!
(Devil Aang) I bet she’d like it!
(Angel Aang) bet she would NOT! Do you want her to try that water explosion technique on you?
The four first benders
BF: Larry, Mo, Curly, and Shemp.
were arguing with Avatar Roku.
BF: (First four benders) We know you’re the one who didn’t replace the roll!
(Roku) What! I always replace the toilet paper! It was one of you!
"How in the blazes did he do it?
BF: Survive this fic, you mean? I have no idea.
He made a new element." One of the four said.
BF: Is lighting an element?
(Rayden) Sure it is! Works good for me!
"Roku you know he just broke the ancient Prophecies of the Avatar." Another said.
BF: I’d sure like to know what crackpot that "prophesy" came from!
(Trelawney) Well, I never!
"And that is punishable by death."
BF: Why, exactly?
(Four Benders and Roku, shrugging) I dunno.
The third blurted out.
BF: Hey, wait your turn, buddy!
"But since we do not have time to get a new Avatar
BF: (Roku) It takes forever for the postal service to do ground-shipping these days.
he will defeat the Fire Lord and then carry out his sentence." The last said.
BF: Oh, that’s cheap! Make him save the world and do you guys a favor first, and THEN kill him?
(Roku) Well, hey, no sense in putting him to waste!
"I understand. He must be punished" said Roku.
BF: Images of spankings are going through my head. Does that make me a dirty person?
Done. Enjoy.
BF: Well, I AM enjoying that it’s done...
****
There you have it, folks: a fic that takes "random" and makes it "randumb". Not even a very big fic, but it’s sucking power is a force to be reckoned with.
Redeeming Feature: Aang’s sister died, so we don’t have to put up with her.
RAP SHEET:
~HOW MANY trees had to die making this fic? Green Peace would have a heart attack reading all this tree abuse. Methinks the author has some pent up rage against the leafy-ones.
~The Kataang. Look, guys, I like Kataang too! But hot tubbing? Romance behind a waterfall? Kissing when Aang is in one of his scary-ass Avatar modes? Not the most nauseating Kataang I’ve ever read, but it wasn’t something I can say I "injoyed".
~Spelling? Grammar? Where art thou? Did the author forget you in her other pant’s pocket? Because you SURE as hell weren’t here.
~The "rap"...er, *rape*. Doesn’t anyone take rape seriously anymore? Why is it ficcers think they can tack that on to their character’s past to make them extra-angsty-cool? Lemme tell you, rape is a touchy subject, and those who can’t be bothered to spell it right have no business plugging it into their fics.
~Katara. Why, why, WHY must I see the poor girl suffer bouts of "can’t do dum diddly"? I mean, we ARE referring to the same Katara, right? The one who fought Pakku? The one who fought Zuko? *Remember*?
~Aang’s random displays of super-human strength. I know that kid is darn powerful, but come on! That’s in bending! Not chucking around giant shark carcasses!
~Okay, I saved this one for last: the shark attacks. WHAT. THE. HECK?! I mean, Aang gone shark wrestler was enough ("You’ve got to punch them in the nose!"), but all those wounds and he’s more concerned over giving Katara and Sokka some goodies? Yeeeaaah. And don’t even get me started on the whole "And then Sokka fell off" part. It could be a while before I stop laughing.
Credits
"the broken prophecies" by 134175
MiSTed by Booter-Freak
MiSTing concept by Best Brains Inc.
Sporked at Avatar-Sues
***
Sogo ahead get you’re feelings out AT LEAST YOU’RE SISTER LIVED AFTER BEING RAPPED!
