As said before, when I look for MiSTing material, I always try to pick fics that go "above and beyond", so to speak. So what exactly was it that compelled me take up the daunting task of MiSTing the monumental fanfic known as the ORIGINAL "Detours"? Well, frankly, I did it because I saw "Detours" as an "unusually bad" fic. What exactly do I mean? Allow me to elucidate:
"THE UNUSUAL": It's written by Arekisu! AREKISU! A writer who has good, clean grammar and spelling, an entertaining writing style, and a basic (albeit sometimes shaky) grasp of ATLA's character's personalities. It would seem Arekisu is the well from which all good fanfiction springs!
So what the hell happened here?!
"THE BAD": The OCs. Sweet Jesus, the OCs. Not satisfied inserting ONE original character, Arekisu hits us with an entire CAST of OCs, each one more bent than the last on torturing poor Zuko. Almost any other problem with this fic (sporadic bouts of OOC, cannon character death) can be directly correlated to their existance. And did I mention it's 30 chapters long?
But not all is lost. After suffering some serious drama over at ff.net, Arekisu has proven once AGAIN to have balls made of titanium by RE-re-reposting her story, almost completely rewritten. And I cannot tell you how much BETTER it is. We strongly recommend you check out the NEW version after reading this MiST of the old skool version.
So, what are you waiting for? Get reading!
((Note: A word of HUGE THANKS to Arekisu for being so cool and awesome as to allow us to MiST her fic. A lot of the younger writers could learn something from her resiliance and general good-naturedness. Our hats are off to you, Arekisu!))
"Damn it!"
Prince Zuko slammed his fist down on the table.
BF: (Zuko, furiously) These goddamned Rubix cubes! They continue to elude me...just like the Avatar!
"What do you mean by a 'small detour'?
BF: Remember, simplify with Zuko. Use as few syllables as possible.
We have to catch
BF: Charazard!
the Avatar! What don't you understand about that!
BF: Zuko, YOU seem to be the one confused here...
You're not going to make us go all the way around another glacier, are you? Are you!"
BF: (Zuko, outraged) Damn you and your 'scenic routes'!
"Of course not. Calm yourself." His uncle picked up his cup from the table and took another sip of tea; none had spilled, thankfully, from his nephew's sudden outburst.
BF: If it *had* spilled, there would have been a reckoning...
"We simply need to restock in the nearby village. It's small, but it'll do. We've run out of nearly all of our basic needs. Food, supplies...tea..."
BF: (Iroh) *cough*...lotus tiles....
"Tea? How much tea could you possibly drink? No, forget it. Don't answer that."
BF: Zuko didn't want his suspicions about his uncle retaining water confirmed....
Zuko stood up and straightened
BF: ...his wig.
. "I'm going for a walk."
"A walk? Where?"
BF: The yellow brick road?
"Around the deck. Where else would I be able to walk? Right off of the ship?"
BF: (Iroh, thinking) If only...
Silence. "All right then. Go blow off some steam. And I don't mean literally..."
"Very funny."
"I thought it was..."
BF: Me too, actually.
The prince stomped out of the room and onto the deck, folding his arms over the railing.
BF: He contemplated about hocking a loogie, but with no one below him, there was no point.
Nobody but me, and that bastard Zhao, damn him, takes catching
BF: Leprechauns
the Avatar seriously. Maybe it's because they think they have something to lose...like their
BF: Time? Respectability?
lives. But death doesn't matter to me.
BF: Ho! Been reading Sylvia Plath, have you?
Anything is better than this. I have only to gain.
BF: (Zuko) If I catch the Avatar, I'll have the whole set!
And listen to me.
BF: (Zuko) Was I ever this whiny in the show?
My existence is so pitiful that I prefer death.
BF: (confused) Yet he's fighting tooth and nail to capture the Avatar and return home...urrggh...(strained) Logic....error...
He put his head down on his arms and sighed, knowing
BF: No one was going to pick him for a game of 'Heads Up, Seven Up'.
how whiny he looked but
BF: Realized it was just the angsty writing...
not caring. But death won't claim me before I catch the
BF: White Whale!
Avatar. I have my honor to regain. I have things to do.
BF: (Zuko) Like Bingo-Night with the crew....
And I'll be back on the throne before the end.
BF: Of this fic? Well, thirty chapters is plenty of time...
In a nearby village:
BF: You know, for a second, I actually liked the fic well enough to leave it be. So why couldn't the author do the same? Do we NEED OC's? Maybe the author felt Zuko alone couldn't fill the angst quota?
(Author, tweaking, pinching, and twisting Zuko's nipples) More angst, damn you!
(Zuko, bound) Stop MILKING me, you crazy wench!!!
The girl grinned as she
BF: Witnessed Zuko being 'milked' for angst....
ducked into the alley, and reached into her tattered bag, feeling her fingers close around her
BF: Mace?
prize;
BF: A tazer?
an apple. She poked her head out of her
BF: ass
hiding spot and sighed, relieved. There wasn't a mob chasing her this time.
BF: (Pier One store manager) Goddammit, this is the THIRD time this week she's shoplifted from our 'wax food replicas' aisle!
But in this sleepy village, an apple thief was more than enough to get the people worked up,
BF: Oh, and an orange? Don't even get them STARTED on oranges!
and this girl often found herself the reluctant center of attention.
BF: (incredulous) An OC that DOESN'T want to be in the center of the spotlight?! (cynical) My *ass*!
Homeless and parentless, she had to steal to survive.
BF: (completely unmoved)
Nobody knew her name,
BF: (OC) NO one will guess Rumplestiltskin!
and she liked it that way.
BF: She constantly had to look over her shoulder in fear of Agents.
In fact, the girl herself didn't know what her name used to be.
BF: Smeeeeaaaagle...why does it hurts, Smeagle?
People had started referring to her as "the nameless orphan"
BF: (eyeroll) Just don't call her 'Late for Dinner!'
when she'd first arrived here nine years ago, when she was six.
BF: So that makes her 15. The PERFECT age to have lots of sex with Zuko!
Delirious and traumatized, she'd
BF: started NUMEROUS bar brawls.
stumbled into this village after her own, miles away, had been burned down by
BF: Smokey the Bear, after one of his relapses.
Firebenders; somehow, she was spared, yet left to become a beggar on the streets, not knowing anything about who she was...not even her own name.
BF: Who's your biographer? Lemony Snicket?
Watching her family burn to death had had that affect on her memory.
BF: OC? Strike one. Amnesia or any other 'oddity' cliche? Strike two. If she is in ANY way pretty, that is STRIKE THREE for you, Arekisu!
She took the apple out of her pocket and examined it.
BF: She only accepted 'organically grown' apples.
Why always apples?
BF: Fear of scurvy?
The taste of them reminds me of my old village. Is that why?
BF: (Ralph Wiggum) This tastes like grandma!
I remember Mama faintly. She used to feed apples to me.
BF: (Mama, frantically to her husband) I keep poisoning them, but she keeps WAKING UP!
She used to tell me that there was a reason for everything.
BF: (OC) Though I still don't get why GIRLS have to ride sidesaddle...it just doesn't make sense!
Mama...why couldn't I have died with you? Why couldn't I have been spared this miserable existence?
BF: (OC) ...In this fic?!
What reason is there to live?
BF: (wryly) To have sex with Zuko, if I had to make a wild guess...
She shook her head and took a bite out of the apple, then wiped her mouth. Such thoughts were useless to her. Thinking of death wouldn't help her make it through another day.
BF: Nor us through this fic. Sheesh, what IS it with death and this fic?
When she finished with the apple, she threw it back into the alley
BF: Hold up. If you're STARVING, you eat that apple-core and ALL.
and ventured out into the daylight...only to duck behind another alley as she
BF: Was nearly turned to ash by the rays of the sun!
watched her crush walk by.
BF: T_T
Crush. She knew she was being immature, but she couldn't help it. Fifteen-year-olds have crushes, and the nameless orphan was no exception.
BF: What?! I'm sorry, but if you're a STARVING ORPHAN, there is no room for throwing away apples and, oh lordy, 'crushes'. Has Arekisu *never* heard of the Pyramid of Needs?
His name was Kotah.
BF: Why am I thinking of bears?
He was tall, muscular, and known for his tousled mess of dark, curly hair, dark eyes, and enticing smile.
BF: He sounds sorta like a bear.
Kotah was almost sixteen;
BF: Ahhhhh...the horny years...
yet had much more responsibility than other boys his age in the village. His father had died when he was ten years old, leaving his sick mother with six children; Kotah and five younger siblings, ranging in age from five months to eight years old. From then on, Kotah was man of the house. He did the hunting, cooking, repairing, and he also tended to his mother and little sisters and brothers.
BF: This sounds like SUSPICIOUSLY like a certain Fushigi Yugi character...careful, Arekisu, you're going to get your ass hammered for copyright infringement.
And every part of him appealed to the girls of the village. A pretty face and a caring nature was more than enough to satisfy their needs.
BF: (Laughs) Yeah, *right*. You know they were staring at his ass and eying up his crotch!
Too bad that on top of everything, Kotah could be an absolute pompous jerk sometimes.
BF: Huh? What sort of LOGIC is that? Does a life of hardship and caring for others breed 'pompous jerks'? Nooooo, they breed sweetheart *Harus*!
The nameless orphan clung to the wall of the alley as she watched him walk by with a group of his buddies. She sighed despairingly.
BF: Would this fic EVER end?
He was what every girl here wanted. And here she was, with her dark, dirty hair, dull green eyes, and ratted clothes, hiding in an alleyway. What would someone like that see in someone like her?
BF: See, THIS is why you're going to get captured by Zuko, cleaned up and shown for the 'beauty' you are, proceeded by a tumultuous relationship and eventually HAWT SEX.
All of a sudden, the usually bustling marketplace was deadly silent. She once again looked out of her hiding place...
...And stared.
BF: At Kotah's crotch.
A huge, black warship, very obviously belonging to the Fire Nation, was sailing up to the village.
BF: Ahhh, geez, the prophecy is coming to pass...
Her breath caught in her throat. She'd seen a ship like that before.
BF: (OC) Mommy, can I have that toy ship?
She'd seen many, many ships like that before.
BF: (OC, whining) All the other kids have them!
(Mama) I said NO!
And they didn't exactly come bearing good news.
BF: No shit!
The girl's head spun.
BF: (humming) You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round, like a record player, baby, right 'round!
How could they find us here?
BF: (OC, with hands over eyes) If I can't see you, you can't see me!
This village and all of the villages nearby are small, poor, and isolated...what did we do wrong?
BF: Star in this fic, for starters.
What are they going to do to us?
BF: (Firebenders) Alright, you all better do the Macarena RIGHT this time, or we're going to torch your village!
As the Firebenders disembarked from their ship
BF: The Enterprise...
via a ramp, the girl continued to stare.
BF: (OC) Me so confoozled!
There was an entire group of them, but when they reached the ground, they scattered off in different directions, heading toward each of the stands in the marketplace, gathering what they could.
BF: (Chief Firebender) Okay, we need milk, eggs, fish, cheese, and flour. Oh, and buy any lottery tickets if they're selling them.
The villagers exchanged terrified glances as the Firebenders stole from their carts and brought food and supplies back to the ship.
BF: But don't you DARE touch any of those apples!
Two figures (presumably men, for they had their helmets on, and the girl was too far away from them to tell, anyway)
BF: Yeah, I'm sure their height and broad shoulders *plus* the fact that the Fire navy seems devoid of all things female didn't give them away...
were standing on the ground at the bottom of the ramp. The shorter one was ushering people in, saying something about tea to the Firebenders boarding the ship.
BF: How could ANYONE mistake Iroh for a woman...? (remembers 'Two Guys, a Girl, and a Flying Bison')...*shudders*
The taller, thinner one had his arms folded, surveying the village, and the girl could tell by his brooding posture that he was obviously a teenager, though she could barely see his face.
BF: Yet she couldn't tell his gender...interesting. Or stupid. Either works.
The girl narrowed her eyes as she snuck farther and farther out of her hiding place in the alley.
BF: That's right, give yourself away...just a little more...
The Firebenders were allowed to prance
BF: Hah! Firebenders don't 'prance'...only elves do that!
(Legolas, prancing) I'm Queen of the Elves!
into their village and steal hordes of apples, but she got slammed for stealing just one? That just wasn't fair!
BF: It's not who you know, it's who you can reduce to cinder!
Kotah obviously shared this thought,
BF: Surprising *me* by showing he *had* any...
and marched up to the two men at the bottom of the ramp, flanked by his buddies and followed by a group of gutsy villagers.
BF: Gutsy? I prefer 'stupid'.
He folded his arms, mimicking the taller Firebender. "What in the hell do you people think you're doing?"
BF: (Kotah) THIS is the proper way to cross your arms!
"We're restocking our ship. Why? Do you have a problem with that?" the shorter man asked calmly, continuing to usher Firebenders into the ship, their arms full of stolen goods.
BF: Go Iroh, Go! Don't let morals stop you!
"Yes, we have a problem,"
BF: (Kotah) Okay, so if a train leaves a station heading west at 9:30, and another train leaves a different station heading *east* at 10:30...
Kotah spat. "You can't just come into our village and start stealing things! We work hard to make this place self-sufficient,
BF: 'Self-sufficient'? That sort word choice belongs in Bissel commercials...
and by stealing all of our food, you're disturbing the balance!"
BF: Okaaaaay...so now we've gone from Bissel to The Lion King....
He smirked and stuck his nose in the air. "Although, you Firebender people seem to like throwing off the balanceon a larger scale!"
BF: Hell, Iroh tips the ship walking from one end of the deck to another! (Gets hit for slamming Iroh)
There was laughter throughout Kotah's group...whether what he said was actually funny or if the crowd was laughing to boost his ego, he didn't know, nor did he care.
BF: There were numerous reviews throughout Arekisu's fic....whether what she wrote was actually entertaining or if the audience was reviewing to boost her ego, she didn't know, nor did she care.
The taller Firebender unfolded his arms, clenching his fists at his sides. "You dare insult the Fire Nation?"
BF: Every *other* character seems to long for death...guess Kotah does too!
"Yep! And what are you going to do about it? Set me on fire?" Kotah waved his fingers. "Woo, I'm so scared! But do it! Humor me! There are no other Benders here to stop you."
BF: THIS is one of the 'Ten-Stupidest-Things-You-Can-Do-In-Avatarland', topping 'Challenging Bumi' and even 'Out-Doing Katara in Waterbending'!
The Firebender threw his helmet to the ground.
BF: And danced around it!
"Is it a fight you want?"
BF: I think a spanking is a little more accurate.
Kotah's eyes widened in horror as he realized who he was talking to, and then the evil smirk returned to mask it. "Well, well, well. Have I challenged the prince, of all people?"
BF: Is Zuko THAT well known? And would challenging any OTHER person who can roast you alive be any LESS stupid?
The crowd looked on, stunned. Kotah kept grinning. "We're not afraid of you, Zuko," he said mockingly, despite the terrified whispers in the crowd.
BF: (crowd, whispering) Kotah, you *dumbass*!
"We've heard all about you. Homeless, dishonored, scarred...trying to catch the Avatar, are you?"
BF: These hicks are up-to-date...what do they read, The Enquirer? 'Boy Found Alive in Iceberg After a 100 Years! Details Inside!'
The prince's face contorted with rage, but he remained silent.
BF: ...back...away...quickly...
"Well, good luck," Kotah continued. "We've seen him and his coterie...two of the Water Tribe, a flying bison, and a lemur.
BF: He RUINED our village's ONLY cabbage stand!
And we've also seen Fire Nation ships on his tail.
BF: Aang likes to leave breadcrumbs, for humor's sake.
You're a little late."
"If you continue to talk, I can assure you that your next words will be your last," Zuko hissed. On his command, the Firebenders began advancing on Kotah.
BF: Kotah. SHUT. UP.
"I'm not scared of you. You're just a banished prince. What harm can you do here?" Kotah kept his nose in the air.
BF: (slaps face) That's it. Kotah wins the 'Most IDIOTIC OC ever created'. That's hard to do, with all the Mary Sues running around these days, but Kotah's refusal to back off from BLATANT danger, even at the risk of horrible injury or death, wins him the title. Congrats!
At once, the Firebenders grabbed him.
BF: On the ass.
(Firebenders) That'll teach you!
"This bastard is coming with us," Zuko announced to the stupefied villagers as the Firebenders dragged Kotah toward the ship, "as a prisoner...he'll be executed. Does anyone else wish to challenge the Fire Nation?"
BF: While I can't thank Zuko enough for putting Kotah out of my misery, isn't that a little...dare I say...'dark' for Zuko? Not to mention the extra effort. Wouldn't he just roast Kotah on the spot? (Realizes where she is). Oh. Yeah. Fic.
The crowd was silent. Zuko turned back to the ship.
BF: (Zuko) Damn straight.
"WAIT!"
The prince turned back around and studied the girl before him, who had somehow managed to push her way to the front of the crowd.
BF: Probably by bowling over old people and the disabled.
She was filthy from head to toe, had snarled locks of dark brown hair, and green eyes.
BF: And a lightning bolt shaped scar on her forehead!
Her ragged clothed hung off of her gaunt, pale body, and she had a torn messenger bag around her bony shoulder.
BF: 'Gaunt, pale body'? 'Messenger bag'? 'Bony shoulder'? Where did she fall out of? The Gap?
She was of average height, a few inches shorter than he was, and wore a mask of
BF: Cardboard paper with glitter and macaroni!
steely determination.
"Yes?"
BF: (Zuko) You want to die too, right?
"P...please," she stammered, clasping her hands. "Let him go, take me instead!
BF: Said Belle to the Beast.
He's...he's my brother-in-law!
BF: Why stop there? Be bold, be creative!
(OC) He's my spineless love-slave!
My sister, his wife, died a few weeks ago, and he's had to take care of us all by himself since then. My siblings and my nieces and my nephews all depend on him! They're only little children!"
BF: Sheesh, OC, you been taking writing lessons from your creator?
"That's too bad. He's going to have to pay for his insolence," the prince spat,
BF: Say it, don't spray it, Zuko.
folding his arms again.
BF: What, is that all he can do? Why can't we see him put his hands on his hips? Saucily? I mean, he's already OOC, might as well run with it!
"Please!" the girl pleaded. "Take me in his place! They need him, they don't need me!"
BF: (crowd) Actually, we don't need *either* of them...
"Then I guess they'll have to pay for his insolence as well." Prince Zuko shrugged. "I guess he should have thought of that before he challenged me."
BF: Yeah, except Kotah doesn't *think*...
The girl dropped to her knees and clasped her hands tighter. "I'm begging you, please..."
BF: (OC) End this fic!
The prince studied her again, then said slowly, "You'd die in his place?"
BF: (OC) ANYTHING to get out of this fic!
"Yes! Just let him go, please!" She lowered her head. "Please..."
"Fine." Zuko motioned to the other Firebenders, and they threw Kotah down on the ground and seized the girl's arms, hoisting her up from her kneeling position. The prince continued looking at her.
BF: (Zuko, thinking) Bulimic or anorexic?
"Do you have a name?" he asked.
BF: (OC, with shake of hair) Character. Original Character.
The girl's eyes darted around frantically for a moment.
BF: Would he believe her if she said her name was Ms. Pippsapaddleobsacopolis?
Dare she admit to him that Kotah wasn't really her brother? That she was just an orphan?
BF: Well, if you piss him off with the fact that you lied, maybe he WILL take you aboard to be executed...
She finally stuttered the first thing that came to her mind; "E...Echo. My name is Echo."
BF: (long, dry pause) Yeah. 'Echo' is totally the first thing that would come to my mind in that situation...not 'Bob' or 'June', but 'Echo'!
(Mulan, at initial training-camp encounter) My name is...Echo!
(Shang) =_=; ...WTF?
"Well, Echo," the prince said, smirking. "Maybe I won't execute you. You could prove useful yet."
BF: (Zuko) Yes, it's bothersome having to drag my men out of the brothel every time we come to port...
He motioned to the guards to drag her onto the ship as the last of the Firebenders entered
BF: The Twilight Zone!
Prince Zuko was the last one on board, then the ramp was pulled up,
BF: By the power of thousands of hamsters!
and he was once again confined to the dismal warship.
BF: Dismal? 'Badass', you mean.
And the last face Echo saw of her village was the dark, wide eyes of Kotah as he watched her enter the blackness of the ship.
BF: We all live in a yellow submarine...(gets clocked with a shoe)
"'You may prove useful yet...ooh, look at me, I'm so powerful and prince...ish...prince-ish!'
BF: Echo demonstrates her eloquent mastery of the English language...
Pfft...
BF: (gagging) Damn, Echo! Silent but Deadly!
" Echo threw the rag
BF: On to wear!....what? She's a beggar!
back into the bucket and climbed to her feet. "Yeah, useful to scrub the royal floors..."
BF: Be *grateful* you aren't the toilet swabber!
She climbed to her feet
BF: For the second time....
and surveyed the hallway, then congratulated herself. Another job well done...another spotless floor.
BF: Quite the accomplishment, after the crew had come down with a case of the 'scoots'.
"At least now I have some use.
BF: (Echo) Being an OC is usually an pointless existance!
But sometimes I think I'd rather be living on the streets again,"
BF: (Echo) This 'hard labor' crap is so not me..I hardly have any time to angst!
she muttered, picking up her
BF: Squeejie.
bucket. She wiped the soap off her hand on the side of her filthy dress and started walking to the next hallway. Two weeks on the warship, and she'd already been made the official
BF: Slut?
"housekeeper". What an honor.
BF: Stop whining. You should work at the Sohma house!
"You missed a spot."
Echo put her bucket down and turned to face the prince, trying in vain to hide her
BF: Eager lust.
irritation. "Yeah, the spot that you're stepping in."
BF: Zuko too had become a victim of one of Appa's 'surprises'.
Zuko lifted his foot. "No, this spot was clean, I was talking about that other spot."
"What other spot?"
"The one over there."
"Over where?"
"Right there! Are you blind, woman?"
BF: Yeah, I tried those 'Illsusion Pictures'....you gotta cross your eyes and squint before you can make out anything...
Echo looked around. "There is no other spot! It's been two weeks now, I think I'd know how to clean a floor!"
BF: (Echo) Mr. Clean-sensei taught me all I need to know!
A smirk. "I'd think you'd know how to clean yourself."
BF: Yeah, Echo, when you start smellin' like low tide down there, it's time to scrub a little more thoroughly...(gets hit for being gross)
"You haven't exactly given me any means by which to clean myself."
BF: (Echo) I can't keep using my tongue!
Echo took the bar of soap out of the bucket and waved it at him.
BF: (Echo) Do you have any idea how much this will dry out my skin?
"I should clean your mouth."
BF: It's nice to see she hasn't learned anything after paying for Kotah's mistake...
"You know, for growing up in that horrid village, you certainly have a large vocabulary."
BF: (laughs) Clearly he didn't hear her opening line in this chapter...
"Oh yeah?" Echo took a step toward him, still waving the soap.
BF: Only soap and garlic can keep a Firebender at bay!
Zuko took a step back. "I'll have you executed if you come any closer with that...thing."
BF: T_T Oh my. Looks like stupid-speak is contagious in this fic.
"For giving you what you deserve? And it's called soap, get familiar with it."
BF: Geez, how many times do I have to say this? Take is SLOW with Zuko...he's not Einstein, ya know!
"And who are you to decide what I deserve?"
BF: (Echo) I'm your future pimp, biznatch!
Echo dropped the soap back into the bucket. "Forget it."
BF: (Zuko) I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
"That's what I thought."
BF: OMG pwned!!!11!
Zuko folded his arms and studied her, before commenting, "You know, it hasn't been that long since you came here, and already I grow tired of you.
BF: Hell, I was tired of her two weeks AGO!
You've acquired a spine.
BF: (Zuko) That is an unacceptable trait in women!
You hardly even spoke for the first few days, and now you never shut up... you're constantly arguing with me. It's hideously annoying."
BF: That goes for BOTH of you, actually.
"You start it!"
"Oh, and how do I start it?"
"By always being wrong!"
"I'm not always wrong!"
"Yes you are! And you made me come!"
BF: Ah, the fine art of debate!
"I was going to drag that dipshit loudmouthed brother of yours on instead, you're the one who wanted to come in his place."
BF: With exception to the 'brother' part, this is entirely true.
Echo resisted shoving the truth in his face: Kotah's not my brother. I'm a homeless beggar, and I sacrificed myself into your service to save him because I'm totally in love with him...
BF: Yeah, that'll show him!
and you fell for my "endearing sister" act, you bratty son of a...okay, he'd definitely execute me for saying that.
BF: Biting your tongue for once? Can an OC be OOC?
So she settled for protesting, "You were going to kill him!"
"Was I?"
BF: Heh, Zuko's memory seems about as faulty as Echo's!
Zuko continued to study her,
BF: There would be a quiz later!
before turning his gaze downward to survey the floor. "There are worse things than death.
BF: This fic, for example.
And you missed a spot." He pointed.
BF: To her forehead.
Echo dropped to her knees, got her rag out from the bucket, and started scrubbing the spot where he was pointing. "There. Happy now?"
BF: (Zuko, slowly) Yessss, that's it. Faster...harder....scrub it deep...thaaaat's it....turn around so I can see your ass, woman!
"Yes. Thank you. Now, go do...other servant things."
BF: Which consisted mostly of slacking off and smoking cigarettes out back.
He waved her off.
BF: (Zuko) Go. Your presence disgusts me.
"I live to serve,"
BF: the author's every whim and fancy!
Echo said sarcastically, before picking up her bucket again and stomping off.
Zuko watched her walk away, still grinning smugly. He was one who positively savored getting his way.
BF: (Zuko) Mmm...the sweet taste of victory...(swirls around mouth)...it has such a nice, clean finish.
And now, he had a clean floor to show for it!
BF: (Zuko) Lemony-fresh victory is MINE!
"You should stop treating her so badly."
BF: (Iroh) At least change her newspaper regularly. Please.
The prince turned around and looked at his uncle. "...How long have you been standing there."
BF: (Iroh, thickly) Mmmmmm...quite some time...she has a way about cleaning the floor that is just...*ahem*! Anyway!
Iroh smiled. "Someone really should clean your mouth out with soap. I applaud that little girl for her grand
BF: ...if not slightly suicidal...
idea."
"Hmph." Zuko rolled his eyes. "If she tries, I will execute her. And she's not a little girl. She's almost my age. That's not little."
BF: (Zuko) I mean, did you *see* the size of her gazongas?
"You're still both teenagers."
BF: And thus victims of your hormones...or so fic writers would have.
"I'm more mature than she is," Zuko retorted, folding his arms
BF: He does that a lot...
and sticking his nose in the air in an incredibly contradictory pose.
BF: (Zuko, petulantly) See? I'm using the 'Big Boy' stance!
Iroh laughed softly and said, "I have nothing to say to that. You have a bigger mouth.
BF: Zuko could fit at *least* twenty-five Peeps in!
You don't know when to stop.
BF: (lecturingly) No means NO, Zuko.
You need to control your temper, Zuko."
Silence.
BF: ...*cough*
"Don't try to deny it, either." Iroh sighed. "Though you grew up too fast, my nephew. Come, have some tea with me. We need to discuss some things."
BF: (Iroh) I need your opinion on who would win in a death-match between The Hulk or Spiderman...
"We have nothing to discuss if you're going to try to stick a bar of soap in my mouth."
BF: He's a suspicious one, that Zuko.
(Zuko) Uncle, I'm not falling for it again!
(Iroh) But the Avatar, he's right behind you!
(Zuko, looking) I...HEY!
(Iroh) Hahahaha! Gotcha *again*!
(Zuko) Dammit!
"I'm not going to do that. I'll leave that to Echo."
BF: Hey, Iroh, that's not fair. She's already swabbin' the floor, don't add onto her chores!
"That thing has a name?"
BF: (Zuko, incredulous) Since when did they name soap?
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that, for your own sake. What was that about being more mature?"
Another pointed silence from Zuko.
BF: 'NO COMMENT.'
Iroh suddenly smiled and ushered his nephew up the stairs. "Now! We need to discuss some things, as I said. As you know, I've been in contact with your father, and...he has some surprising news for you."
BF: (Iroh, joyously) He's expecting!
Meanwhile, at the Fire Nation Capital:
BF: (sigh of relief) Finally, an escape from OCs...
"EEEEEEE! AUNTIE RAE! AUNTIE RAE!"
BF: CRAP.
The older woman rubbed her temples. "What is it now, Meikka?"
BF: Yeah, one line in, and she's pissin' me off too, lady...
Her niece kept running in circles
BF: On her hamster wheel...
around her, waving her arms. "It's so great, Auntie Rae! BROTHER IS COMING HOME!"
Raeona blinked, looking confused. "He caught the Avatar?"
BF: (Raeona) I didn't know he was competent enough to do that!
"NO, silly! He found a bride!
BF: (horrified) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
Daddy said so, he said Uncle Iroh told him that brother brought a girl on board the ship, and that's all he said! And you know what that means!"
BF: That Ozai and Iroh are total gossip hounds?
Meikka clasped her hands,
BF: (hopefully) Over her mouth?
which were hidden under the long sleeves of her
BF: (even more hopefully) Straightjacket?
dress. "I'm going to have a sister, I am, Auntie Rae! Brother is coming home!"
BF: (Zuko, wistfully) If getting some cheap concubine was all it took to get back home, I would have done it AGES ago!
Her brown eyes suddenly widened fearfully. "What if he doesn't remember me?"
BF: (Zuko, at pyschotherapy) I keep *trying* to block out the images, doctor, but they keep coming back...*shiver*....
"He'll remember you, dear."
BF: Bitterly, at the very least.
Raeona ruffled her niece's short black hair. "I assure you of that. You're a very...erm...unforgettable person."
BF: Pretty bad when your own OCs acknowledge the annoyingness of another.
Meikka grinned. "Really? Is that a good thing?"
"Of course it is!"
BF: That's it, humor the girl. We'll leave it to Zuko to crush her spirit.
Still grinning, Meikka danced her way out of the tent, her long dress and robes flying out around her as she spun and sang and spun in
BF: Deliriousness?
happiness.
BF: Meh. Same difference.
Mei was somewhat short for a ten-year-old.
BF: (Ozai, injecting hormone stunters) You'll always be daddy's little girl!
She had wide brown eyes, and her hair was dark and choppy, coming down to about the middle of her ears.
She'd cut it herself with
BF: A rusty spoon.
the complaint that it got in the way when she was fighting with the little boys,
BF: (Meikka) I'm boss! Don't make me she-pimp he-bitchslap you!
also of royal descent (the sons of nobles, generals and soldiers as well),
BF: For those of us confused over what 'royal descent" means...
that lived nearby...her aunt had had a fit when she'd seen her niece's hair, claiming that the child looked like a boy now.
BF: (Raeona) Jesus, girl, any shorter and you would be Demi Moore's G.I. Jane Mini-Me!
Meikka, however, couldn't care less.
BF: (Meikka) Hair is for *squares*, man!
She and the boys waged a constant territorial war, just for fun.
BF: (Meikka) Hey! Hey you! That's* my *sandbox you're playing in! It's GO time, now!
They'd pretend to be the Fire Nation's army and the Earth Kingdom's army, with the Fire Nation (Meikka herself played her father, King Ozai)
BF: Always good to have a positive role model!
inching ever closer to conquest.
BF: Being the tiny bloodthirsty tyrant she was.
Raeona, on the other hand, simply wished for the war to come to an end,
BF: (Raeona, bitterly) *I* voted for Kerry!
and she expressed these feelings every time her niece would come home caked with mud, waving a victorious flag, saying something like, "We conquered the swamp!"
BF: (Raeona, shaking a frightened Mei) And how many MORE will have to die before you're satisfied, eh? EH?!
As she watched Mei dance in the light of the setting sun, "Auntie Rae" found herself smiling. Princess Meikka was such a happy child...as all princesses should be.
BF: If she was unhappy that would be...just...*unimaginable*!
And yet, through her imaginative, childish exterior, anyone could see that a part of her was missing...that part had left with her beloved older brother, Zuko.
BF: Zuko liked to keep Mei's severed hand in his pocket, in case his back needed emergency scratching.
I haven't seen brother in two whole years!
BF: Much to Zuko's relief.
I was only eight when he left. He didn't even tell me why!
BF: (Messanger) Sir, Zuko will be returning home soon from his banish-'
(Ozai, eying Mei warily) Shh shh! Don't use the 'B' word around the children!
And uncle was gone too, just like that! I never saw Auntie Rae look so sad...but Daddy didn't even care! Auntie Rae said he was the one who sent Zuko away in the first place!
BF: (Ozai, to Zuko) Look, it's either banishment until you find the Avatar, or boarding school. Your choice.
But he stopped caring when Mommy died.
BF: Oh please. Leave that cliche crap to Denathor, thankyouverymuch.
Then he was cold even to us, his own kids.
BF: (Ozai, singing) I'm Mr. Freeze-miester, I'm Mr. Cold!
(Mei) Daddy, stop it.
And brother tried so hard to gain his affection...but I didn't care.
BF: (Mei) Screw you, suckas!
I had Auntie Rae. She's been my nanny forever and ever and ever.
BF: (Mei) She even still changes my diapers!
She took care of me and Zuko while Daddy and Uncle Iroh were away at war. Zuko always wanted to go with them, but they wouldn't let him.
BF: (Iroh) How do I say this tactfully, Zuko? ...You need to be taller than your sword to go to war, understand?
So he had to settle with lots of training and walking around the camps where the soldiers were.
BF: Where he was the victim of numerous whistles and cat-calls.
We're gonna win this war, that's what Daddy says.
BF: Huh. Bush says that too. OMG, parallelism??!!1
But this kinda stuff doesn't bug me. I'm happy the way I am.
BF: That makes ONE of us, kid.
And now I'm even happier, since my brother is coming home! I miss him so much...I'd give anything, anything to hear, "MEI! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" one more time...
BF: Many was the time Mei indulged in the memories of her countless voyeurisms...
A light grin crossed the princess's face. And if he's bringin' home a bride, I think I'm gonna be hearing that a lot more than I used to.
On the way to the North Pole:
"And then she kissed me...'
"Kissed you?" Aang scrunched up his face and stuck his tongue out. "Eech..."
Sokka narrowed his eyes, then folded his arms. "Yeah, well, you're just immature."
BF: (Aang) Look, I don't want to hear about GranGran that way!
"So are you, if one little peck on the cheek will get you worked up over that Suki girl," Katara pointed out, stifling her giggles.
"Hey, it was a pretty long peck!" Sokka protested, petulant as ever.
BF: (Sokka) Why, it was practically second base!
"Well, it's too bad you'll never see her again," Aang said with an innocent shrug. "I mean, it's not like I told her where we were going so she could catch up with us or anything, you know."
Sokka's eye twitched. "Come again?"
BF: (Sokka) Speak into my good ear, boy!
"AANG!" Katara clamped a hand over the younger boy's mouth and smiled sheepishly at Sokka. "Well, maybe we did hint...tell..."
"We invited Suki to meet us at the North Pole!" Aang said cheerfully.
BF: (Aang, covering face) Pay no mind to my growing nose, tho...
"Wha...what?" Sokka blinked. "You...she...I'll meet...her...again...you..."
Aang blinked. "Katara, Sokka's looking all stupid again."
"What else is new?"
BF: The lady has a point. But that's why we love Sokka.
"Hmm..." A lightbulb appeared above Aang's head. "Sokka's in loooove...with a girl!"
BF: SoZu fans will have your hide for that blastphemy, Aang!
Sokka came out of his stupid trance and slapped his forehead. "Duh, it's a girl..."
"Sokka's in looooove..."
"Shut up!"
"L-O-V-E! Sokka loves Suki, Sokka loves Suki, haha!"
"SHUT UP!"
It was Katara's turn to slap her forehead. "Boys..."
BF: It's like an episode of the Three Stooges, all this slapping...
Back at sea:
Prince Zuko sat back, his head spinning. "I can go back? Uncle, are you serious?
BF: (Zuko) I thought Narnia was off limits once you lost innocence...
Is this some kind of cruel joke?"
BF: Well, I don't know what ELSE to call this fic...
Iroh shook his head. "It's no joke. Your father wants you to return to the Fire Nation immediately.'
"But...why? I haven't caught the Avatar!"
BF: (Zuko) Kinda makes the past two years of struggle kinda pointless, ya know?
"Your father does as he pleases.
BF: No kidding, there.
He has a reason for wanting you to return home...I'm sure he'll tell you when we get there."
BF: I'm sure Zuko will be thrilled to learn of the marriage conspiracy going on behind his back.
His uncle held out a cup. "Tea? We should be arriving in a few hours."
Zuko took the tea and looked at it, sighing.
BF: (Zuko) Ginseng again? Don't you drink anything else?
"Home...I hardly remember home."
"It's only been two years. Stop exaggerating."
BF: Yeah. Whiner.
"Only two years? Only two years? It feels like a lifetime!"
BF: (Zuko, sadly) I'm *so* behind on my soaps...
Zuko swished the tea in his cup around in a circle, somewhat thoughtfully.
BF: (Zuko, thoughtfully) Did uncle spike this? I wonder...
"I wonder why Father changed his mind."
"Again, I don't have an answer to that. Now, drink your tea, get some rest, and before you know it, we'll be back in the Fire Nation and...did you hear that?"
BF: (Zuko, guiltily) It wasn't me!
Zuko turned his attention away from his tea and glared at the door. "Who's there? Show yourself!"
BF: (Kool-Aid Guy, barging in) Looks like you could use a blast of my new Tropical Punch! Ohhh YEAH!
"EEK!" Echo fell through the door
BF: Wow. Sure your name wasn't Kitty Pryde before you lost your memory, Echo?
and landed flat on her face, her broom, which she was using to "sweep" conveniently right around the corner,
BF: She was actually looking for a rug to sweep the dust under, but could only find one near Zuko's chambers....
went skidding across the floor and to Zuko's feet.
The prince set the cup of tea down, got to his feet, and picked up the broom, gripping it tightly, as if trying to break it in half.
BF: In that order?
"Were you eavesdropping on our conversation?"
BF: (Echo) I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT WORLD DOMINATION!!!
Echo, still facedown on the floor, lifted her head a few inches, supporting herself with her elbows, her snarled locks of brown hair hiding her face.
BF: The pose is both defensive AND dignifying!
"That's what happens when you pretend to sweep outside someone's door, isn't it?"
BF: Ah. Another 'Kotah' moment.
"You worthless little-"
"Calm yourself, Zuko," Iroh said in a warning tone.
The candles on the table behind Zuko flared dangerously. He obviously wasn't very calm.
BF: OBVIOUSLY.
Echo winced as she watched the candles.
BF: All that wax dripping on the floor...*she* was the one who would have to clean it up!
Immediately she lifted herself off of the ground and to a kneeling position. She bowed her head and mumbled, "Forgive me. What I did was wrong."
The candles immediately flared again, more dangerously than before. "Are you mocking me?"
BF: Humility = mockery. Zuko's logic suddenly explains his entire approach to social interaction!
"No! I'm apologizing to you!" Echo lifted her head and glared at him. "I'm telling you that you were right and I was wrong! Can you handle that?"
BF: (sergeant) He can't *handle* the truth! (Normal) What? Gimme a break, already, I can't guarantee the hilarity 100% of the time!
Zuko, eyes narrowed, grabbed her by the collar and pulled her to her feet and hissed, "I can handle anything. Anything."
BF: (Zuko) I'll have you know I killed a spider under my bed with a shoe-ALL BY MYSELF!
"Can you handle your own loneliness?"
BF: Oooo-KAAAAAY. This conversation defiantly took a turn for the weird....
"Loneliness? Pft." Zuko let go of her collar, and the girl stumbled backward. "Like hell I'm lonely."
"Admit it, you're lonely."
BF: I'm sorry, HOW did a chastisement over eavesdropping turn into a Zuko psychoanalysis?
"I'm not lonely." The candles flared dangerously again.
BF: (Iroh, easily distracted) Ooh, sparklers!
"One more word, and I'm throwing you overboard!"
BF: For once in this entire fic, I WANT Echo to keep talking.
Echo took a step back and held her hands out in front of her in a protective gesture.
BF: (Echo, thinking) If I position my forearms like *this*, I can cover the most vital organs!
"Calm down! It wasn't an insult, I was just
BF: poking at a sore spot!
saying!" She took a few more steps back
BF: A few more, and she'd be open for a touchdown!
"Nobody cares about your opinion!
BF: *Thank* you!
You're my slave now, do you hear me?" Zuko shouted,
BF: Ryoki Tachibana plays Zuko in 'Detours'!
and the flames of the candles stretched toward the ceiling.
BF: Damn, if this is what happens every time Zuko gets upset, they must go through candles like toilet paper!
(Iroh, distressed) Look at this lighting bill!
"You'll do as I say when I say and you won't say anything in response! And when we get to the Fire Nation, you're going to keep your mouth shut!"
BF: (Zuko, furious) And NO MORE of this 'spunkiness', you hear?
Sniffling, Echo took a few more steps backward toward the door.
BF: Oh, suck it up. If you can't handle the consequences, then don't dish it out, honey!
Zuko panted, his rage leaving him, the flames of the candles dying down.
BF: Is there any candle left?
"Now. Were you going to say something?"
BF: (Echo, sniffling) Who's cutting onions in here?
"I'm sorry...sir," Echo snarled, in the most mocking tone she could manage.
BF: Echo's an ambitious lass, she is. Not many have what it takes to challenge Kotah for 'Most IDIOTIC OC Ever Created'.
With that, she turned on her heel and left without a word.
BF: Oh, she only shuts up *after* she leaves....geez.
"Way to keep your temper down.
BF: Yeah, that's so Iroh right there. God, what happened to everyone's vocabulary?
I think you burned the tea," Iroh said after a moment of silence.
"How do you burn tea?" Zuko asked, cocking his head.
BF: (Fish customer, from 'Pickles' episode of Spongebob) He burnt my shake!
His uncle shoved a cup at him.
BF: Spilling tea into his face...
"It's boiling."
BF: (Zuko) Yaarrrrghhh!
Zuko shoved the cup away and stomped out the door. "I'll be in my room
BF: pouting
meditating. Leave me be."
Watching him leave, Iroh replayed the scene of Zuko's uncontrollable rage in his head.
BF: Temper tantrums are such ugly things...
Then he scratched the back of his neck sheepishly
BF: Noticing the rash there had only *increased* in itchyness over the past week...
and said, as soon as his nephew was out of earshot, "Maybe I should tell you that your father misinterpreted my last communication. I told him you brought a girl on board...but I left out the 'as the prisoner' part. So now he thinks you found a bride."
BF: (Iroh) Your father is the WORST at playing the 'Telephone Game'...
Sighing deeply, Iroh took a sip of the tea on the other table, the one that wasn't boiling.
BF: I see. So Zuko's rage only affects *certain* tea glasses...that makes sense.
"Oh well. The prince will find out on his own, soon enough...
BF: (Ozai) Oh, son, I'm so glad you'll be losing your virginity soon. Now we can have *adult* conversations...
(Zuko) Wait......*what*?!
maybe I should tell him so he doesn't make a fool of himself. Again.
BF: Like that time he wore his pants backwards for a week.
But then, would he listen to me when I tell him to start treating Echo right?
BF: Noooo, but I bet he'll listen if it concerns his marital status...
Of course not.
BF: (Zuko, in a rage) What do I need HER for? If I wanted a bride, I'd mail-order one!
So I guess he'll just have to find out on his own..."
BF: (Zuko, mid-way through bachelor party) Wow...I'd *never* have expected such a wild 'Welcome Home' party!
At the Fire Nation Capital:
BF: I don't want to go there. Not if 'IT' is there. (Looks down) Damn.
"Auntie Rae, does this look okay on me?"
BF: (Mei, in leather corset) The salesperson said it lifts and separates!
"Eh..." Raeona squinted and took in her niece's ensemble.
BF: The fishnet stockings and riding crop were a bit over the top.
"Well...it's a little big on you."
BF: (Raeona) You should have gotten a size A spiked bra!
"Everything is 'a little big' on me!"
BF: Especially your mouth.
Mei said, sticking out her
BF: Middle finger. (Rae) ...HEY!
bottom lip. She waved her arms;
BF: PLEASE, SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I'M DESPERATE!
her sleeves were always too long.
BF: The royal tailor had disappeared mysteriously after doing a 'special job' for Lord Ozai.
(Ozai) No one will ever know of my new manties.
"I'm a shrimp!
BF: (Mei, dismayed) NO ONE should taste this good with maranara sauce!
All the boys say so, they say I'll never be Queen! Ever!"
BF: (Mei, singing) Why am I such a misfit? I am not such a nit-wit! Just because nose glows...why don't I fit in?
Her aunt decided not to point out the fact that 1) Mei was
BF: Incredibly annoying.
only ten and 2)
BF: Mei was REALLY incredibly annoying.
the only way she'd get to be Queen is if her brother and then his 'bride' died,
BF: Oh no. Mei knew. She had spent the last ten years plotting and assembling an assassination squad for the two...
so instead she said, "Let me just hem the sleeves a little..."
BF: Hiding the muzzle for Mei behind her back....
"NO!" Mei backed away.
BF: (Mei, shrieking) YOU WON'T TAKE ME ALIVE!
"I like this dress how it is, I do, Auntie Rae! I want to look pretty for when brother finally comes home!
BF: (Mei) If he tries to escape, I can trip him up with my sleeves, heehee!
That's in a whole hour, Auntie Rae! You don't have time to hem my sleeves!"
BF: (Mei) You totally *suck* at sewing, Auntie!
Raeona sighed. "Fine, fine, Princess. Leave the sleeves how they are. But can I at least hem the bottom of the dress so you don't trip?"
"I won't trip!" Mei took a step forward and promptly fell flat on her face.
BF: Aha. This attempt at 'cute petulance' is only serving to annoy me. Who did Mei take lessons in 'irritating cuteness' from, eh? Mini Moon?
"I told you, Meikka. Why don't you ever listen to me?" Raeona sighed again.
BF: ADD. A common problem among Fire Nation children.
Mei stumbled to her feet and frowned. "I'm sorry, Auntie Rae..."
"It's all right, dear. Would you mind if I did your hair now?"
BF: (Rae, sighing) I'll see if I can cover the bald spots from that awful haircut you gave yourself...
The princess brightened.
BF: (Rae, wincing) Ah! My eyes!
"All right! When does Daddy want us to be there?"
"Half an hour,
BF: (Rae, darkly) At dock 13...
so we have another half an hour to get ready for the party."
BF: Plenty of time to add glitter eyeliner and hair-beads!
"Neat!" Mei grinned. "I can't wait to meet my new sister! I wonder what she'll look like...will she be a princess too, Auntie Rae? Will she be tall and pretty and clean and will she give me candy and take me to her palace and-"
BF: Or will she be a total skank?
"How do you know your brother's bride will be a princess?" Raeona asked, blinking.
BF: Once again, the child's clairvoyant powers frightened her.
"I just know!" Mei exclaimed. Then she snorted. "It's not like she's going to be a servant or something..."
BF: (gags) God, this forced irony is killing me...
Back at sea:
"GODDAMMIT!"
BF: (lightly) Who wants to bet me that's Zuko? Eh? Eh?
Echo bit her bottom lip,
BF: Oh. Echo. (Droning voice) Hiiiii, Echo.
on the verge of tears.
BF: It really WAS the last season of 'Everybody Loves Raymond'! NO!
She was currently sitting in a pile of dead fish.
BF: I tell you, when Red Lobster says 'All-You-Can-Eat-Fish-Buffet', they MEAN it.
Sniffling, she got to her feet and started loading the fish back into the barrel from which they'd come; she'd knocked them over on her way out to the deck.
BF: Feh, clutz. Looks like she's been taking notes from Usagi. She and Mei are *totally* going to hit it off.
"Oh, and you can clean the fish guts off of the deck before we dock!" Zuko called lazily across the deck. "I don't want my ship smelling like fish when I arrive back home!"
BF: (Zuko, calling) The B.O. from you and my men will be bad enough!
Echo seethed.
BF: (Echo, thinking) How many fish can I lob at him before he reacts?
Zuko strutted over to her with his hands behind his back, and sniffed the air. "And you smell like a fish, too.
BF: If it ain't from the fish barrel, I'm really scared...
Take a bath, you worthless street urchin."
BF: (Zuko, nastily) Here, you can bathe in all the fish juice that has seeped out of the barrel!
Pointedly, Echo pulled a bar of soap out of her pocket. "I'd rather smell like fish than have my mouth taste like soap."
BF: Wow, she carries that thing around like a crucifix!
"Point taken. But this isn't over." Zuko stalked back inside.
BF: (Zuko, shaking fist) One day we'll meet and you *won't* have your soap to keep you safe! Then you'll be sorry!
Iroh watched Echo load the fish back into the barrel and sighed, shaking his head. "Zuko, Zuko, Zuko..."
BF: (Zuko, smugly) That's my name, don't wear it out!
"Sir!" A generic Firebender ran over to the retired general.
BF: Generic? Can't they have individual personalities? (Iroh) I really wish we hadn't recruited our men from the'Star Wars: Clone Wars' movie-I can't tell who is who!
"Half an hour until arrival, sir! We've spotted the capital!"
BF: ('Generic' soldier, panicked) And it seems to been under seize by countless OCs!
"Thank you." As soon as the Firebender went back to his post, Iroh rubbed his temples. "Forget two years at sea...coming home is going to prove to be the prince's greatest adventure.'
BF: Sitting through two years worth of Auntie Rae's slideshows would be a real trial by fire, so to speak...
At the Fire Nation Capital:
"I see it, Auntie Rae!
BF: (Mei) I found you at last, Waldo!
I see brother's ship!"
Acting more hyperactive than usual,
BF: Ahaaaa, just when I think Mei just CAN'T get any more annoying, Arekisu proves me wrong once more...
Mei jumped onto her tiptoes and clasped her hands. "I want to be the first one to greet him, I do, Auntie Rae!"
BF: Ho. There's a 'Welcome Home' that's sure to wake Zuko up...
(Zuko, panicked) Uncle, maybe I really SHOULD go capture the Avatar...let's turn around...please!
Raeona held onto her niece's sleeve.
BF: Which served as a makeshift leash.
"Wait here, Meikka. Don't go making a spectacle of yourself."
"What's wrong with making a spectacle of myself?" Mei asked petulantly.
BF: Precocious little scamp, ain't she?
"I know you," Raeona said, rolling her eyes. "The second I let you go, you're going to
BF: rabidly attack the first thing that moves!
get filthy. That's a new dress, and I just did your hair." The woman gestured to her niece's hair short, dark hair, tightly wound in three small buns, and decorated with ribbons and beads.
BF: Geez...all that effort for hair...just thrown on a rainbow afro wig and let her run wild!
"Yeah, because a dirt cloud follows me around and ambushes me whenever I'm not around you," scoffed the princess.
BF: Like that one kid from Peanuts....
"Seriously, Auntie Rae! This is a special occasion, I'm not gonna go getting myself all dirty! I want to give brother the impression that I've matured!"She flipped a stray lock of hair dramatically.
BF: BF: Yeah, that Mei is the poster child of maturity all right...
"But you haven't exactly matured," Raeona pointed out with a laugh. "The last time you saw Zuko, you were covered in dirt."
BF: Mei should have known better than to schedule her mud-wrestling match before Zuko's bon-voyage...
Meikka continued trying to twist
BF: and shout!
away from her aunt, and finally succeeded in doing so, smirking. "I'm sorry, Auntie Rae, but I gotta go!"
And before Raeona could say anything, the princess had disappeared into the crowd.
BF: Raeona didn't follow. If she was lucky, maybe someone would abduct the girl.
The old woman ran a hand through her graying hair. "The cause of my death will most certainly be that little girl..."
BF: (pained) Yeah, she's killin' me too...
Docking at the Capital:
"So where is she?"
BF: The linen closet! Look there!
Silence.
"Uncle?"
More silence.
BF: (urgently) Check the linen closet!
Zuko rolled his eyes. "She told you not to tell me, didn't she?"
Iroh shrugged innocently. "She's hiding, that's all she'll give me."
BF: (Iroh) Besides a pair of socks she found...
"Why is she hiding?"
"I haven't a clue."
BF: You have to collect *all three clues* before you can solve Blue's Clues!
"Well, find her! She's my slave, after all. Someone needs to do my cleaning..."
BF: (Echo, washing underpants) God, the skid marks...*shudder*...
"You'll have plenty of maids in the palace," Iroh reminded him. "Why not leave Echo be?"
BF: Yes, LET'S!
"Because her brother made a fool out of me in that village," Zuko shot back, "and since she decided to take the blame for his insolence-"
BF: (Zuko) ....wait. I just realized I *don't* have to keep her around. Let's throw her overboard and get the hell out of here!
"You get worked up too easily," his uncle said, waving him off. "Now go, get ready. We're docking in a minute or two."
BF: He's getting ready NOW? (Pause) We'll, I guess it's not like he has a lot of hair to wash...
The prince nodded and left. Iroh turned his attention to the mattress to his right when Zuko was out of earshot. "We all know how much you want to be in his bed...with him, that is...but it did indeed prove to be an ingenious hiding place."
BF: Heh, here the author is promising to hold off, but look! Chapter four and already the OC is in Zuko's bed. (Shakes head) Nothing but false promises, I see.
Echo flipped the blanket off of herself and glared at the older man before climbing off of the mattress, wiping herself off in distaste.
BF: Wow. And Zuko didn't notice that?
(Zuko, spotting lump in bed) Maybe if I ignore her, she'll go away...?
"You can't be serious! I despise that overgrown bratty little...hey, I got his bed all dirty!
BF: Echo's a NAUGHTY girl, is she?
Serves him right...I can't believe he didn't see me."
BF: (dryly) Neither can I.
When he didn't respond, Echo then proceeded to wipe her dirty hands on Zuko's pillow.
BF: (Echo, evilly) Wake up and smell the fish, Zuko!
"There's something you should know," Iroh said after a moment, sighing. "I don't get very specific in my letters to the king."
BF: (Ozai) Oh a postcard, from... 'Someone you know'? What the hell?!
Wipe, wipe, wipe.
BF: Remember, Echo, front to back. Front to back.
"What does this have to do with me?"
BF: (Iroh, chuckling) Oh, you won't believe it, it's the nuttiest thing!
"I told the king that the prince brought a girl on board the ship...and you do know that he'll be sleeping in the palace from now on, yes? He won't be using that pillow anymore."
BF: (Echo, eying Zuko's stuffy animal) Bet he won't be leaving without THIS, though! (Wipes hand on stuffy)
Echo stopped wiping and rubbed her hands together. "My bad.
BF: Echo's intellectual prowess never fails to stun me.
So what does your letter have to do with me again? You told the king guy that Zuko dragged me to this horrible place so I could wipe things up with his pillow?"
BF: (Iroh, shrugging) Actually, all I wrote was 'I know what you did last summer!'.
"I left out the 'prisoner/servant' part."
"So?"
BF: Here it cooooomes.....
"Think about it," Iroh said, sounding the teeniest bit frustrated.
"Why else would the king call the prince back home, if he didn't catch the Avatar? He thinks Zuko found a bride."
BF: Actually, he thinks the bride IS the Avatar...
Echo's jaw dropped. "He thinks...I'm...going to marry that arrogant little-"
BF: Aaaaaand here it is.
Iroh held his hands up to silence her. "Before you start spewing
BF: (hand over mouth) ...too late...
insults, I suggest you hear me out. My nephew has no idea about this, none at all. You must play along with this, for both of your sakes."
BF: Why? WHY? This doesn't make sense! Wouldn't those most involved in this mix-up be the ones in most *need* of information, to arm themselves against the political turmoil about to erupt upon them? What, tell me, WHAT has been stopping Iroh from writing a clarification letter? (Turns to Iroh) EH?
(Iroh) My dear, I have no say in this. (dismayed) Arekisu has threatened to cut off my tea if I didn't comply!
(BF) Awwww....poor thing! (hugs) I could *never* stay mad at you!
"What will happen if I don't?" Echo asked, shifting uncomfortably. "I can't pretend to be in love with someone who constantly calls me things like-"
BF: [CENSORED]
"If you don't, you'll be executed," Iroh said bluntly. "It's simple as that.
BF: Iroh's the last person I want to hear bad news from.
(Iroh, as doctor) You have terminal cancer. It's as simple as that. Tea?
And Zuko will be sent back into exile...it would break him, Echo. It would surely break him."
BF: Yeah, 'cause Zuko's emotional stability is as fragile as a brittle twig....
Echo shifted again and looked at the floor; at the same time, surveying her ensemble. She laughed bitterly. "So you propose I get off the ship at the prince's side looking like a beggar?"
Iroh frowned, looking thoughtful. "I hadn't thought of that..."
BF: (Iroh, cheerily) Well, just think how GOOD he'll look next to YOU!
"Great..." Echo plopped down on the mattress again, trying and failing to run her hands through her snarled brown hair. "I'm doomed. Screwed. Finished. I might as well just kill myself because-"
"EEEEEEE!"
BF: ...because Mei just arrived.
A flash of red tore through the room and flung its arms around Iroh, who laughed and hugged the girl back. All Echo saw was the back of a dark-haired child's head, and a huge, red, intricately patterned dress that seemed to envelope her as she screeched, "You're back, you're back, you're back! I was the first one on the ship, just like I told Auntie Rae I would be, and I didn't even get dirty, I didn't!"
Echo raised her eyebrows. "Um..."
BF: Yeah, everybody says that when they first meet Mei...
The little girl tore herself away from Iroh and scrutinized the girl sitting on the mattress, eyes narrowed.
BF: Scrutinizing Echo? Eyes narrowed? MUST be Zuko's sister!
"Who's that? She looks like an urchin."
BF: (Mei, suspiciously) Are you Oliver Twist?
She walked a few steps closer to Echo and folded her arms in a manner that eerily reminded the older girl of Zuko.
BF: GAAAAH! What IS it with the folding of the arms?!?
Eyebrows raised, the little girl stated, "Don't tell me you're the prince's bride!"
BF: No, silly, she's the *Princess Bride*!
Taken aback, Echo looked over at Iroh pleadingly. The older man simply nodded. Echo sighed and looked at the little girl despairingly. "Yes, I am. But I'm not supposed to be...I'm a slave. The king misread some letters and...now..."
BF: Hooooold it. This HUGE secret everybody's gotta keep, and they're telling it to the most *blabbity* little ten year old ever thought up? 'Detours', by Arekisu-where logic comes to die!
The girl looked thoughtful. "So now, you have to fake it or die. Is that it?"
BF: Heh, I see she's inherited Iroh's tact...
"In a nutshell, yes. What am I going to do?"
"Here's what you're going to do."
BF: (Mei, handing Echo a knife) Harakiri. It's the only way.
The child wriggled out of her dress (she was wearing a flimsy skirt and shirt underneath it)
BF: ...narrowly avoiding a citation for child pornography....
and handed it to Echo, who put it on, looking dazed. "Here. It'll fit you."
BF: Sisterhood of the Traveling Kimono!
She then unwound one of her buns, and went behind Echo and tied her wavy mess of hair back into a similar bun.
BF: Mei: Your one stop fashion shop!
"But...you don't have to do this!" Echo protested, as the little girl grabbed a bucket and started mopping the older girl's dirty face.
BF: Seeing the washrag wasn't going to cut it, Mei quickly grabbed a cheese grater and went to work.
"Yes, I do.
BF: (Mei, frightened) Arekisu owns my soul!
Trust me. It'll be fine." The girl stepped back and admired her work with a satisfied smile. "There you go. You look pretty good. But once you get to the palace, you'll get a proper bath, proper clothes, and your hair combed. But this will do for now."
BF: (Major Payne) You're still a shit sandwich, but at least your not a soggy one!
She went to the doorway and shot a mischievous glance at Iroh,
BF: (Mei, thinking) Tee-hee, wait'll she finds out about the 'Kick Me' sign I taped to her back!
before running onto the deck and diving overboard.
BF: (dumbfounded) What? Could we BE that lucky? (Prays for sharks to arrive)
Echo's eyes widened as she watched her leave. "Who...was that?"
Iroh couldn't seem to stop laughing.
BF: Another victim of the Joker's cruel nerve gas.
"That would be Princess Meikka, Prince Zuko's younger sister. Ten years old, and seems to know more about the world than he does. Pretty smart for her age...
BF: (Mei) Okay, let's try this again...A is for...?
(Zuko) AVATAR!
(Mei). Umm...B is for...?
(Zuko) Banishment?
(Mei) That works...I guess. C is for...?
(Zuko) Capture the Avatar!
(Mei, slapping face) NO! 'C' only counts for *one* word! And why can't you use different words, like apple, bird, or cookie...?
she hasn't changed a bit, either."
BF: I keep hoping she'll become less annoying, but unlike the fic's logic, Mei has remained very consistant...unfortunately.
"She seems a lot nicer than he is,"
BF: EVERYBODY seems nicer than Zuko!
Echo mumbled, standing up and twirling around. "How do I look?"
BF: (Iroh, looking away) Ugggh...you might want to do something about that cellulite...I mean...*damn*!
Before he could respond, there was a shout from the deck outside. "Uncle! Get whats-her-name and get out here!"
BF: Normally, Zuko refers to her as 'Soap Lady'...
"Some bride I'm going to be. He doesn't even know my name." The girl folded her arms as she headed toward the door.
Iroh stopped her. "He knows your name. He's just being ridiculous."
BF: Huh. Kinda like this fic.
"What else is new?"
He pushed her out the door and led her out to where Zuko was. "Trust me...things are going to be fine with the two of you. I know it."
"How?"
BF: (Iroh, darkly) Arekisu won't have it any other way.
"Just trust me.
BF: (Iroh) I'm a marriage counselor!
And straighten up."
BF: (Iroh) No excuses-I won't hear any more of this 'lordosis' crap!
"Going to give me princess lessons, are you?" Echo said, rolling her eyes.
BF: (Iroh, knowingly) Remember, the princess wave is in the wrist...like this! See?
Iroh shrugged. "I'm just calling it as I see it. Raeona will be the one giving you princess lessons. And she's a harsh critic...
BF: Which fails to explain how Mei turned out such a loose cannon...
but not as harsh as the people of the Fire Nation. Keep your head held high. And don't walk all stiff-legged, walk normally. Nobody will be able to see it under that dress."
BF: ...*COUGH*
He scratched his head. "How was Mei able to walk in that thing? She's so tiny..."
BF: Be sure to ask Rae. So we can live through all the riveting details again...
"I have no idea." Echo swallowed nervously, straightening up. "And I was just kidding about the princess lessons...I don't want to be a princess."
BF: (Echo, pouting) I wanna be a ROCK STAR!
"It's a bit late for that, dear."
Echo nodded weakly and took a deep breath. "All right. Anything else I have to do?"
BF: (Iroh) Try to keep burping and farting to a minimum.
"Good luck." Iroh smiled...almost evilly.
BF: Because nothing brings joy to Iroh's heart more than watching people make complete asses of themselves...
"And the prince is over by the ramp. Take his arm
BF: and twist it behind his back!
as you're walking down with him, that will really throw him for a loop."
BF: Heehee, it's funny how people are playing mind games with Zuko!
(Zuko) We're rehearsing a play at the church? And I have to wear a tuxedo and present a ring? WTF?
"No way! He'd tie me to a stake and burn me!" Echo clasped her hands, hidden by the huge sleeves of the dress.
BF: (Zuko) For the crime of witchcraft-and trying to sneak a marriage past me-I sentence you to be burned alive!
"You have to look like you're going to marry him," Iroh pointed out. "That is, unless you'd rather die than act like royalty."
BF: I'm sorry, but how long to they plan to keep this 'Wag the Dog' up?
"I have a feeling the act won't hold up for very long.
BF: See? Even the OC is agreeing with me now. That's bad.
Especially when some certain princes don't know when to keep their mouths shut."
BF: Or when princes don't have a DAMN CLUE.
"Oh, trust me. Mei will find a way around that," Iroh said, shaking his head. "She has a way with her brother that I'll never understand.
BF: (Mei, with whip) Did you say somethin'? Did you SAY somethin'? (whipcrack)
(Zuko, bound and gagged) MMMPPH!
She seems to like you, too."
"Else she wouldn't have helped me?"
"Precisely.
BF: I love how they analyze the obvious.
Now, off you go!"
"Thanks," Echo stammered as she stumbled across the deck and over to where Zuko was.
BF: (Zuko) Are you drunk?
The prince was indeed standing by the ramp, in full armor,
BF: He wasn't in *full* armor until he had his *tiara* on!
and was taking deep breaths as though trying to compose himself. He didn't seem to notice her presence.
BF: Too busy hyperventilating, I guess.
Echo took a deep breath and sidled over to him. "Nervous?"
"Of course not. Go away, shouldn't you be cleaning something? Like yourself?" Zuko looked at her and blinked. "And where did you get that dress?"
BF: (Echo, singing) Do you love it? I love it! I got it a Ross!
"I don't even get a 'Wow, you look nice!'?"
"No. You get a 'Where did that dress come from?'"
BF: HERE'S the single-minded Zuko we know from Avatar! Where have they been hiding you, huh?
Echo did a little twirl. "Like it?"
Zuko rolled his eyes. "Get lost."
BF: You tell 'er, Zuko!
"Oh?" She snatched his helmet from his hands, stuck it on his head, and gave it a few good bangs. "There you go!"
BF: Fun Fact: Echo used to belong to the band 'Stomp'!
The prince fixed his helmet and glared at her. "I told you to get lost, you miserable little-"
"But there's something you have to know!" protested Echo.
BF: (Echo) Your're getting screwed over! BIG TIME!
"Whatever," Zuko grumbled. He straightened up as he started descending the ramp.
Silently praying for her life, Echo stepped up next to him and linked her arm in his.
The crowd below started cheering.
BF: Any disobedience of the 'applause' sign would result in instant death!
Zuko stopped short, whipped his head around
BF: Careful, Zuko! Whiplash is one fo the most common causes of neck injury!
and stared at her, giving her one of those 'eew-gross-you're-touching-me!' looks.
BF: Glad Zuko's more concerned with her cleanliness than the immediate situation...
Echo answered with a simple whimper.
BF: Way to radiate confidence, Echo. God, this fic is squeezing my 'sarcasm gland' DRY!
"What do you think you're doing?" he hissed, and started walking down the ramp again, more slowly.
"I told you there was something you had to know," Echo muttered back.
"Let go of me."
"No."
"Now."
"No. Trust me, okay?
BF: (Echo) Nevermind the bizarrity of the situation, just go with it!
I'll explain later."
"I want an explanation now."
"While the Fire Nation in its entirety has their eyes on us? I don't think so."
"But-"
"No buts!" Echo grumbled, lowering her voice even more. "Your uncle was right...you do have no idea how to keep your mouth shut."
BF: Yeah, SCREW Zuko for wanting to know about the shenanigans going on behind his back!
Zuko glowered at her. Thankfully, his facial expressions were hidden from the onlookers by the side of his helmet, for he had his head turned. Echo, however, just looked nervous.
BF: If Zuko was glowering at ME, I'D be nervous!
When they reached the bottom of the ramp, they were greeted by the crowd.
BF: Oh, I hope one of those cheesy family restaurant happy-birthday singing groups is there!
(Singing group) Welcome, welcome Prince Zuko!
Hope your banishment was nice!
Now be quick and propose
So you can take a wife!
(Zuko) Awww....wait a second!
Though, now, the people were bowing. Instinctively, Echo tightened her arm around Zuko's and whimpered again,
BF: Being the spineless wuss she was...
having no clue what to do. The prince didn't protest to this, for he looked pretty clueless himself;
BF: We'll excuse him though, since he pretty much IS the only one without a clue.
having contact with the same people over and over for the past two years had had that effect on him.
BF: (Zuko) WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
Echo noticed that he wasn't smiling...he never smiled, aside from the occasional smirk here and there, usually in her direction.
BF: As was pretty characteristic of him during this entire fic.
"BROTHER!"
Echo let go of Zuko's arm as he was flung backward by the same streak that had hugged Iroh earlier. However, this time Zuko was the victim, and he was knocked to the ground.
BF: Zuko, unfortunately, didn't have the weight Iroh did to keep him anchored upright.
"Mei..."
BF: Zuko said with an air of dread...
The little girl giggled, climbed off of him, waited until he climbed to his feet, and then threw her arms around him again.
BF: Knocking him over once more.
"Brother I missed you so much you've been gone so long..."
Not really knowing how to respond, Zuko looked at her. "Why are you all wet?"
BF: (Zuko, warily) When was the last time you had your nappie changed?
"MEIKKA!" Raeona emerged from the crowd and tore the princess away from her brother. "What are you doing?"
"Erm...I was swimming!"
BF: I'd like to know how a ten year old girl survived plummeting off the side of a ship...
(Arekisu) Such are the power of my OCs...
(BF) *shivers*
Mei exclaimed, promptly plucking a piece of seaweed out of her hair.
BF: She would save it for eating later.
The older woman scowled. "And where did your dress go?"
BF: (Mei) I donated it to the less fortunate!
"I must have left it on the beach somewhere," the princess said idly. "I'll look for it later." She winked and subtly nodded at Echo.
Raeona turned her gaze in Echo's direction and raised her eyebrows.
BF: (Rae) Damn, what rock did you crawl out from?
"You must be-"
"The new princess," Mei quickly finished for her. "She's the new princess, yep! Look at her, doesn't she look great, Auntie Rae, doesn't she? And isn't her dress just beautiful?"
BF: (Mei) And did I mention she was a *princess*?
"But-" The woman was silenced by a look from both Iroh and Mei. Raeona nodded slowly.
Zuko looked back and forth between the four of them. "Am I...missing something here?"
BF: BWAHAHA! Zuko, you don't know the HALF of it!
Echo, as if remembering what she was supposed to be doing, grabbed Zuko's arm again, and began, "Everyone thinks-"
"That you being home is wonderful! Let's talk about it back at the palace," interjected Mei. "Over dinner! The servants have it all ready!"
BF: Heh. That'll make for some interesting dinner conversation. I wonder how many spittakes Zuko will be put through during the course of the meal?
"He's..." Mei reached up, grabbed a chunk of her hair and wrung it out. "He's off at war."
"Ah. I see." Zuko looked at the ground, trying to hide his disappointment. He invited me back. I don't even know why. And he doesn't even show up.
BF: Ozai was busy picking out what china to use for the wedding.
I know I shouldn't be surprised. I shouldn't have expected anything better from him.
BF: (Zuko, muttering) Deadbeat dad...
But it still hurts. And when will this bitch let go of my arm?
BF: Zuko's fingers were turning purple from lack of circulation.
Mei grabbed his hand. "Come on, brother. Let's go home."
At the Fire Nation Capital:
"Brother is acting strange."
BF: (Mei) He hasn't gotten into a cat-fight with Echo for over five minutes!
Raeona twisted Mei's hair into another bun, then helped her into a new dress. "What's going on, Meikka? Why did you give your dress to...Meikka, look at me.
BF: (Rae) Gaze into my eyes and divulge your information!
What's wrong?"
"It was a misunderstanding," the princess mumbled.
"What are you talking about, child?" Raeona asked, scowling.
BF: (Mei, dismayed) Shrek and Fiona almost didn't get married because they misunderstood each other!
Mei flipped around to
BF: finish her acrobatics routine
face her aunt, then settled herself down on the mattress, as if preparing to tell a really, really long story.
BF: How many recaps are we going to have before Arekisu is satisfied that we understand what's going on?
"Uncle Iroh wrote a letter to Daddy that said
BF: Retuuuuurn to sender! Address unknown! No such number! No such soul!
that brother brought a girl on board his ship. But this girl turns out to be his cleaning girl...somehow...so yeah, and brother treats her horribly. But Daddy thought uncle meant that he found a bride."
Raeona's eyes widened.
BF: (Raeona) These contacts are so hard to put in! (Pokes eye) OW!
"So Daddy called brother back, and then he left for war. Which is mean," Mei continued, "considering he was the one who invited him back in the first place.
BF: Guess Ozai was hoping to skip out on the courtship and cut straight to the wedding. (Pause) Smart man.
Brother seems like a different person, now."
BF: (Mei) I don't remember him being able to shoot lasers....
The princess scratched her head.
BF: Looks like Raeona needs to do another lice check-up.
"Although, last time I saw him, he hadn't hit puberty yet..."
"MEIKKA!"
"Whaaat? Auntie Rae, I'm serious! He was-"
BF: (Mei) Only five inches! He's, what, seven now?
Raeona clamped a hand over the younger girl's mouth. "Princesses do not discuss these things. Are we clear on that?"
Silence.
BF: Looks like Meikka's a little lost daydreaming...
"Meikka?"
"Hmm?"
With a sigh, the older woman hoisted Mei to her feet. "We'd best go downstairs for dinner now."
Half a second later, Mei was out the door. "FOOD! ME FIRST, ME FIRST!"
Auntie Rae stared after her, shaking her head. "It's like talking to a brick wall..."
BF: No, I find brick walls entirely more pleasant.
Meanwhile:
Zuko glared across the dangerously flaring candles at Echo, arms folded on the table.
BF: (Iroh) Could you not melt those scented candles so quickly? I just bought those today from Bed Bath & Beyond!
Echo stared back, narrowing her eyes. "Should I blow these out before you
BF: Make a wish?
set the ceiling on fire? Candles aren't safe around you."
BF: NOTHING flammable is safe around him!
Without waiting for a response, Echo leaned over the table and blew the candles out,
BF: Spattering wax in Zuko's face.
then resumed her sitting position. She didn't know how long she could stand
BF: This unbearable fic.
waiting for dinner to be served, especially being stuck within meters of someone who obviously wanted her dead. There was silence in the room.
BF: (Echo, cautiously) Sooo...how 'bout them Yankees?
"So what's going on?"
"They think I'm going to marry you," Echo said idly.
BF: Great way to break the silence!
Zuko looked horrified and disgusted at the same time.
BF: (has same expression)
"They think...what?"
'You heard me.'
BF: Little did she know Zuko forgot to replace the batteries in his hearing aid...
Before Zuko could say anything else, Iroh came in and sat down. "Raeona is getting Meikka ready again upstairs...
BF: (Iroh) So don't expect either anytime soon...getting Meikka ready is like wrangling cats!
are you two having a staring contest?
BF: (Iroh, excited) I play winner! (Thinking) I'll whoop them with my legendary 'hairy eyebrow'!
Zuko, I'm sorry, but she's not going to spontaneously combust if you stare at her for long enough.
BF: Yeah, I've been staring at this fic for hours, and the only things burning are my eyes.
Only the Masters can do things like that."
BF: (He-Man) I HAVE THE POOOOWERRRRR!
"Damn." Zuko bent down and rested his chin on his folded arms,
BF: (freaked out) There's that folding of the arms again! I haven't seen this much folding-arm action since DBZ!
still glowering at Echo.
Echo stuck out her tongue at him.
BF: Three cheers for maturity!
Zuko sat up. "UNCLE! Look at her!"
BF: (Zuko) I just noticed, but she has SIX fingers!
Iroh shook his head warily. "Zuko..."
"She's provoking me! Look at her! She's hideous!"
"Excuse me?" Echo stood up. "What did you just call me?"
"Sit down," Iroh commanded.
BF: (Iroh, frustrated) You two better knock it off, or I swear to goodness, I will march you right back on the boat, and we will turn straight around! Do you want that? You want to go back?
Echo instantly sat down and folded her arms, glaring at Zuko again.
BF: (Zuko and Echo, glumly) Nooooooo....
Mei burst into the room, ran over to Echo and sat down next to her. "Hi!"
"Heh...hello, Mei." Echo smiled. "You look cute."
BF: (Echo) Yet disturbing. Sort of like a Furby.
"That dress looks better on you," the princess responded, smiling back.
Raeona came in and took her seat a few moments later, and Iroh ordered all of the servants out of the room.
BF: Who were only too happy to oblige. (Servants) Let's go get drunk and raise hell!
Then he looked at the other four people at the table, and began slowly, "So. We all know that there's a problem with-"
BF: The writing here...
"I'll tell you what the problem is," Zuko interrupted, trying to keep the anger in his voice at a minimum.
BF: That's right, use your 'indoor voice', Zuko.
"The entire Nation seems to be under the impression that I'm going to marry that-"
"Stop. Just stop."
BF: Dude. That's what I've been saying this entire fic!
Iroh held up his hands to silence his nephew. "I already said, we all know what the problem is. Now, we just have to figure out what to do about it, so-"
"And I'll tell you what to do about it, too." The prince straightened up. "It was a mistake to ever take her from her village. Let's put her back on a ship first thing in the morning, and that will be that. She'll be back with her beloved little family and her loudmouthed brother again."
BF: (blinks) I'm astounded! What a rational idea! Go Zuko!
Iroh looked over at Echo. "Anything you'd like to add to this?"
BF: (Echo) A little 'parting ways' pension would be nice...
The girl took a deep breath and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "There...is no...I mean...I have no family."
BF: Angst ahoy! Red Alert!
Zuko frowned. "But what about-
BF: Toto? Wasn't HE like family?
"Kotah isn't my brother. I had a crush on him. I didn't want him to die. I have no family. They died long, long ago." Echo swiped at her eyes a few times,
BF: ...and blew her nose wetly into the table cloth. (Echo, looking up at a table of disgusted faces) What?
then folded her hands
BF: In the shape of a crane!
in her lap and looked across the table at him calmly. "It's not hard to fool you, is it?
BF: (Echo) Zuko, the Avatar is right behind you!
(Zuko, freaking out) WHERE?!
(Echo) Hahahahaha! Sucker!
(Zuko) *Dammit*! Again!
Yes, I'm a street urchin, as you've called me before. Yes, I'm a homeless beggar. And yes, I tricked the Prince of the Fire Nation.
BF: (Echo) And yes, I'm incredibly stupid too...
What are you going to do about it?"
The candles suddenly lit and flared angrily.
BF: Iroh's 'special occasion' toupee also lit on fire, much to the older man's irritation.
Echo winced, for she found that the look Zuko was giving her was even more dangerous.
BF: The look....of love....is in....your eyes....
Iroh waved his hand, and the candles went out.
BF: Wow. Those are even *better* than the 'clap-on-clap-off' candles!
Zuko opened his mouth to
BF: Let the flies in.
say something obnoxious, but again his uncle silenced him with a hand gesture.
BF: (gasps at Iroh's gesture) Hey! There are kids reading this!
"I know what you're thinking, so don't say it: You want to execute her."
Zuko nodded.
BF: That's not 'obnoxious', that's practical!
Mei snorted. "I guess not so much has changed, after all. His solution to everything is still 'Have he/she/it/them executed!'" On the last word, the princess thrust her fist into the air.
BF: (Mei, with fist thrust) Heil Hitler!
"That's not my solution to everything!"
BF: THAT would be duct tape. I tell you, there is NOTHING that stuff can't fix!
"Is too, ya big jerk!"
BF: (Zuko) Jerk? That sounds like a volunteer for the guillotine to me!
"Meikka," Raeona said warningly. "Mind your tongue. And the same goes for you, Zuko."
Both were silent. Echo, wringing her hands in her lap, looked away. "If you really want me to leave..."
BF: (leaps up) I'll show you the door!
"You're not going anywhere, dear,"
BF: (Rae, darkly) What goes on in the Fire Nation, STAYS in the Fire Nation...
Raeona said, her voice gentle. "You're staying right here, whether the prince wants you to or not. But I have a feeling he does-"
"Not," Zuko added out of the corner of his mouth.
Echo's shoulders sagged. "I guess that settles it."
Raeona reached over and gave Zuko a well-deserved slap to the back of the head.
BF: Yeah, Zuko! How dare you (however OOCingly) express your disdain/outrage at this whole ludicrous situation which was brought about by *other* character's carelessness and deception! You TOTALLY had that smack coming!
"What did I tell you about minding your tongue? The girl stays, and that's final. Your father must not find out about this little mishap. Your uncle and I have discussed it. You'd be sent back into exile for sure, and Echo would be put to death. Is that what you want, Zuko?"
Silence.
BF: (Zuko, considering) Compared with the current situation...I think I just might prefer that...
Echo got up. "Someone already showed me where my room was, I'll just be leaving now..." She looked around at the table a last time,
BF: Looking for her...lost shaker of saaalt!
then turned and ran.
BF: Smack into a pole!
Raeona slapped Zuko again. "Must you be so horrible to her?"
BF: Must you be so horrible to Zuko? You know, I didn't HATE Raeona up until now...
"Yes. She tricked me. She's a deceitful little orphan girl who belongs back on the streets." Zuko rubbed the back of his head. "And that hurt, Aunt Rae, stop hitting me!"
BF: (Zuko) That's child abuse!
"You have to admit that she has a thing for you," Iroh said, stirring his tea.
BF: That 'thing' being a bar of soap!
"Gross." The prince continued rubbing the back of his head.
BF: Zuko gets awards for his astute succinctness. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I swear, I think Zuko's the only character not stoned right now...
"She wants to have your babies," Mei whispered across the table.
BF: And THIS is why I'm Pro-Choice.
"MEIKKA!"
It was the princess's turn for a whack upside the head. "OW, AUNTIE RAE!
BF: (Mei) Ohhh, *wiseguy*, eh? Knuk Knuk Knuk!
It's true, though!"
Zuko just looked disgusted. "All right, I've just lost my appetite."
BF: (sobbing) Me too!
"It's okay, brother dear," Mei said sweetly. "Just go up to the room you're sharing and have a nice nap...that is, if it's sleeping you're going to do."
BF: (Mei) just don't do anything till I have the video camera rolling!
"...Sharing?"
BF: (Zuko, appalled) Only Care-Bears share! NOT firebender princes!
"Well, for tonight, anyway." His sister shrugged. "We were under the impression that you two would be sharing a bed, since you're, you know, 'engaged.' It might take the servants awhile to set up another bedroom for her..."
BF: (Servant 1) No, no! Pull it UP and OUT. No! From the bottom, dolt!
(Servant 2) I hate these goddamn pull-out couches. They're impossible to open!
Zuko sat up. Once again the candles lit and flared.
BF: Zuko blinked. The candles flared. Zuko scratched himself. The candles flared. Zuko farted. The candles exploded. What is WITH these candles?
"I have to share a room with-"
BF: Echo! Roomie from HELL!
Mei stood up. "Yep! And if you say that she's dirty, you're wrong.
BF: (Mei) That would be my imagination!
The servants are probably working on her right now.
BF: (Servant 1) Holy shit, I'm scrubbing off dirt from the Jurassic Period!
(Servant 2) Shut up! Try shaving her legs...it's like trying to shave a porcupine!
She'll be all nice and squeaky clean for-"
BF: The 'Scrubbing Bubbles' commercial!
"Say another word and I'll shove a bar of soap down your throat," Zuko said, getting up from the table and snarling at his little sister.
BF: (giddily) She'll be barfing bubbles for weeks!
"You'll have to reach down your own throat to get it, first," Mei shot back, the innocent smile never leaving her face.
BF: I dunno...judging from his attitude, I think it might be lodged up his ass.
"And by the way, your hair looks ridiculous."
BF: (Zuko) I haven't seen hairstyles that outrageous since Cher!
"Thanks!" Mei ran a hand through her hair; it truly did look ridiculous. It had been in a braid over one shoulder when she'd chopped it off, so one side was down to her chin, and steadily became shorter around the back of her head, where it rested near the middle of her ear.
BF: HOW do I know it will look 'cutsey' when the author or fans do artwork of her?
"And you know," Mei continued to her aunt and uncle, "maybe we should find a way to soundproof the walls of their room, because-"
BF: (Mei) ...really, I HATE Limp Bizkit, and Zuko keeps playing it full blast in his room all night!
Iroh sighed loudly. "Mei..."
"MEIKKA! That's quite enough of that!" Raeona grabbed her niece's arm and pulled her to her feet. "That's quite enough of your
BF: (Rae) incestuous fantasies
nonsense for tonight. It's past your bedtime."
Zuko, with one last venomous
BF: stab of his poisoned knife through her heart....hey, I can dream, can't I?
glare at his sister, stalked out of the room.
Upstairs:
BF: (being silly) Don't go into the attic!
Echo propped one of her arms up on the windowsill and sighed, resting her cheek in her hand to stare out the window and to the stars.
BF: Also know as the 'angsting OC' pose.
She was clean now; the servants had given her a bath, and taken measurements to get her some clothes.
BF: (Servant, chuckling) Damn...baby got back!
And now, all she had to do was wait for the prince to come upstairs.
BF: (Echo) Someday my prince will come...
She knew that she should probably make an effort to at least pretend to be asleep, but somehow, the stars seemed more inviting.
BF: *Anything* was more inviting that quality time with Zuko!
Zuko entered the room a few minutes later and stood in the doorway.
BF: (Zuko) Dare I enter? I know that 'thing' is lurking in there somewhere-waiting to ambush me with glimpses of her painful past, followed by snuggling! ACK!
Echo didn't notice his presence; she was too
BF: drunk
busy staring at the window. At least she wasn't dirty anymore, he observed; her wet hair was pulled back in a bun, her pale, clean skin glowing in the moonlight.
BF: See now? I KNEW she'd end up being pretty. Noooo, *no* acne under years of dirt for little-miss-OC! Heaven forbid!
"Aren't you tired?"
BF: Oh, Zuko, you have no idea...oh. Your talking to the OC. (pouts) Fine!
She turned and looked at him. "Not really."
BF: Insomnia had been a close companion for many moons...
"Turn back around, I need to get changed."
"What if I don't want to?"
"And what is that supposed to mean?"
BF: Duh, Zuko, she totally wants to RAPE you! Hope you have your 'chastity boxers' on!
Zuko pulled his shirt off and chucked it at her, which covered her face long enough for him to change into his pajamas and get under the covers at the bed.
BF: Ooooh, he moves like greased lightning!
When Echo finally did get the shirt off of her head, she threw it on the floor. "Nice one."
BF: (Echo) Damn you and your prudence!
"I thought so, at least..." He turned over and faced the wall. "Good night."
BF: Good riddance.
Taking this as her cue, Echo got into bed too, and curled up opposite him, leaving a huge empty space in the middle of the bed.
BF: The Zuko *I* know would have kicked her off the bed and made her sleep on the floor!
(Zuko) It's hardwood for you, wench!
"So...is it good to be home?"
BF: (Zuko, irritated) Only when there's no OCs around...
"I'm trying to sleep."
Echo flipped over and looked at him...well, at his
BF: ass
back, anyway. "Well, I'm trying to make conversation."
BF: Beds are for sleeping. Dinner parties are for 'conversation'.
He flipped over as well and glared at her. "What's it like to be home? It's wonderful. And I'd like to get some sleep in my own bed for the first time in two years."
BF: Sure. That's a pretty reasonable request. Yet somehow, I get the feeling Echo will cruelly deny him it...
"That's where you're wrong," Echo said, smiling quite evilly. "It's our bed now."
BF: (Zuko, finally giving in) Fine. Just don't put your cold feet on me, woman.
***
She finally stuttered the first thing that came to her mind; "E...Echo. My name is Echo."
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