I'm a bit short on time, so here are the main points:
- I got tired of Jet rape, so I've moved on to MiST a Zuko-fic.
- The Duke will be joining me in MiSTing.
- Enjoy!
****
The Request
Whomever: Can I get some Jet/Katara fiction? Please?
A strong wind blew rapidly against the large red flags adoring the great palace.
Whomever: (Large red flags) Hey, watch it!
the Duke: (Strong wind) Sorry!
The dying light of the vanishing sun cast a large shadow that became enveloped with in the ancient ivy covered stone wall that form the citadel garden.
Whomever: Translation: The light from the setting sun cast shadows over walls.
The extinguishing light of the fire orb of the sky
the Duke: You mean the sun?
Whomever: Let's not jump to conclusions.
seemed to make this place one of the rare beauty with in land of the Fire Nation.
Whomever: Well, as long as there are skies of blue and clouds of white, it'll always be a wonderful world.
But then an unfamiliar sound broke through the twilight silence. It was a total foreign sound, for
Whomever: French rap isn't a widely-known music genre.
it was sweet and pure and full of innocent. It was warm and kind.
the Duke: But what is it?
It was the very sound had awakened the universe at the dawn of time.
Whomever: Ohm?
It was laughter, child laughter.
the Duke: Then why didn't she just say that?
And just like with garden of pretty flora and bubbling fountains it was not normal associated with the nation who only used fire as a weapon for war and destroying when could be used to bring life to the world. For with out fire there is no life.
Whomever: (Jeong Jeong) For fire is alive! It breathes, it grows!
the Duke: (Jeong Jeong) But fire will spread and destroy everything in its path if one does not have the will to control it!
Whomever: (Jeong Jeong) And it is a buuuuurdeeeeeen.
The sound grew louder and rang out a clear as a crystal bell.
Whomever: Okay, we get it.
A flash red and rustle of feathers whipped past in the flowage. Out of the a thicket of dark fuchsia flowers came
Whomever: Vegas showgirls!
bounding a little girl in a long red dress
the Duke: Who immediately tripped over the hem of the long red dress.
no more than twelve chasing a pigeon sized bird who feathers where all the colors of the sunset.
Whomever: A peacock!
the Duke: No, a phoenix. Peacocks aren't sunset colored.
Whomever: They're the color of the later part of a sunset.
"Come back here Ion! Don't be such a dodo bird enough of this silliness it is almost dinner time!" giggled the girl her amber eyes laughing as her long dark braided red hair
Whomever: Wait, is it dark hair or red hair?
whipped wildly from the chase
the Duke: And got stuck on a tree branch.
Whomever: *winces* Not funny.
She held out her right hand for the bird to land on.
Whomever: But instead the bird crapped on it.
Ion glided down form the blossoming tree and landed on her hand, his talons dug an inch into the black leather glove, which concealed a secret.
the Duke: Wait, what conceals a secret? The hands or the talons?
Whomever: I'd say the black leather gloves.
"That a good boy my little phoenix.
the Duke: HA..
Whomever: *sulks*
Sing me your sweet song please." Said the little girl as she stroke his breast with her index finger as the rest of her hand clutched a doll.
The doll seems to be a mixture of the four nations. It had the head of an Airbender
Whomever: Including arrows.
torso of a Firebender
Whomever: Including a black soul.
legs of an Earthbender
Whomever: Including little gauntlet things.
and the feet of a Waterbender
Whomever: That come with little moccasins!
Ion began to sing to his lovely mistress
Whomever: (Ion) Every night in my dreams... I see you I feel you... that is how I know you, go on...
when the sound of angry voice interrupted the beautiful melody. Cringe in discomfort but brave enough to find the sources of noise the child climbed the stonewalls and peeked over.
Whomever: To her horror, she had stumbled into the ninth chapter of Detours.
She could see two people in the shadows of the two old stone guardians statues. They must of thought or didn't care if anyone heard them for they were speaking very loud.
Whomever: That, or they had crappy cellphone reception.
She could tell that the one on left was a mere cadet sent to deliver a message but the other who she knew was Fire Lord Ozai was not please with what ever the message was.
the Duke: (Fire Lord Ozai) Herbal Essences is out of business? Damn!
Whomever: (Fire Lord Ozai) No Tresseme either?
Before you could blink an eye the boy who could be no older than 18 was on the ground screaming in pain as
Whomever: Fire Lord Ozai started to throw a hissy fit about his hair.
he rolled over and over again to put out the fire that engulfed his body. She slide down the wall and walked very slowly like a she just been to a graveyard
the Duke: Which was somewhat true.
to the dinning hall as she held back tears of rage and confusion.
Whomever: (girl) Why do Fire Nation men care so much about their looks? Isn't that our job?
When she got there she took a seat at one end of a long glass table and the Fire Lord took the seat at the other end. A pretty woman with long fox colored hair
Whomever: Now, is she talking about an arctic fox or a black fox?
the Duke: I was thinking of a gray fox.
with violet eyes in a red dress began to serve them.
"Thanks you, Saffron. That enough for now I'll ring if we need anything else." Said Ozai as he took a hearty helping of swordfish. After a few minutes he gazed at the little girl before him
the Duke: Wait... but the girl is on the other side of a long table...
Whomever: You know, I've just stopped caring.
and said
"Everything ok Zara? You look most unhappy."
Whomever: (Ozai) You aren't supposed to start angsting until you're at least 13.
"No it, nothing, Father, well two things.
Whomever: Fickle little girl, isn't she?
One must you punishing our men so harshly when the bring news of the outside world?" asked Zara as she picked at her fruit slices
Whomever: (Zara) *sigh* I hate pomegranate.
"How I deal with my men is my business!
Whomever: (Ozai) If I want to kill my men, I can. If I want to strip them and-
the Duke: (Zara) Okay dad, too much information.
Have your visions been given you any trouble?" he asked greedily
"No they haven't. That not what I want to talk to you about." She replied smoothly. She didn't want to talk about her vision with him right now.
Whomever: Really. We never would have guessed.
"What to you want to talk about then?" he asked
"In case you have forgotten it's my 12 birthday today and you promised that I could have anything I asked for." She stated
Whomever: (Zara) And I want a pony, a baby sister, a kangaroo, a guaranteed spot of power in your new world order, pretty dresses...
"I have not forgotten. Tell me what to you desirer.
the Duke: Desirer?
Whomever: It's French. And it's technically correct, since "tell" would be conjugated to its "vous" form and all other verbs, such as "desire", could be left as infinitives.
the Duke: Uh huh. Then why didn't Ozai bother speaking the rest of his sentence in "French"?
Whomever: *shrugs* Maybe French is now the "in" language to start randomly injecting into fanfics now.
A princess should have anything she wants. You have become a fine lady just like your mother, Zalika you even
Whomever: (Ozai) snoop into how I treat my men, just like she did.
look like her. So what do you want?" he said as start to eat his fruit.
Whomever: Aww, look, Ozai is being a good rolemodel and eating his pomegranate too.
Gritting her teeth she gather up her courage and said. " Let me
Whomever: (Zara) Rule the world by your side!
go to my brother. Please Father I miss him."
Whomever: I hope she doesn't mean "I miss torturing and tormenting him".
"Don't mention that traitor at the table please he a failure and has lost his honor his name is not worth remembering!"
Whomever: Apparently commas are traitors, and shouldn't be used.
A thousand fire heat combined couldn't compare to Zara rage at that moment she forget to choose her words careful and narrowed her eyes till they were mere amber chips
Whomever: Is the author aware that amber chips are uneven quadrilaterals?
and she said with all her angry and fury what she thought. "FATHER! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? HE IS YOUR SON
Whomever: (Ozai) No he isn't.
the Duke: (Zara) What do you mean?
Whomever: (Ozai) Your mother slept around. He's actually Zhao's child!
the Duke: (Zara) No...
AND HIS NAME IS ZUKO! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU THINK HE A TARTIOR
Whomever: (Jet) *to Sokka* You tartior!
the Duke: (Sokka) No Jet. You became the tartior when you stopped protecting innocent people.
WHEN HE BEEN THE MOST LOALY TO THE FIRE NATION.
Whomever: (Zuko) No, please, I'm your loaly son!
the Duke: (Ozai) That's right, you are my lowly son!
Whomever: (Zuko) Wait, that's not what I--! *is flambéed*
Zuko: *flambés Whomever*
AND THIS WHOLE CONCEPT OF HONOR IS STUPID BEYOND HELL! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO PUT HIM ON AN ABSURD QUEST TO FIND SOME ONE WHO NO LONGER ALIVE! I WANT MY BROTHER FOR MY BIRTHDAY
Whomever: (Azula) No fair, I want him!
AND YOU SAID YOU GIVE ME ANYTHING I WANT THAT WHAT I WANT. GOOD NIGHT!"
Whomever: Caps Lock of Doom is bad enough, but Incomprehensible Caps Lock of Doom is another. *eyes start to bleed*
she screamed at him as factually left a trail of smoke as she ran to her room crying.
"Children! She not even an adolescent yet and she already making me nuts. More wine pleases Saffron." He said as he held out his precious stone chalice.
Whomever: Chalice? Oh god. *painful Dan Brown flashbacks*
"Beg your proton my Lord.
Whomever: Proton? Ozai is an atom? I can see it now...
(Ozai) Hey baby, what's your atomic number?
But I think it is best for her to see him. He might have an untimely end or accident and I think it would be the right if they saw each other again. My own daughter ran away from me after her older brother Cedric died
Whomever: At the hands of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. During the scene in the movie that did not make me tear up.
in battle and I don't want you to see your daughter go though that. It was painful when you lost Zalika it was a painful blow to your family. I won't say anything if I didn't think it would help Lord Ozai.
Whomever: (Ozai) Well your talk is annoying me, so help out by shutting up.
You know my loyalty has been as my family been to the Fire Lord and Nation for the past 500 hundred years so just consider what your daughter needs for really." Said Saffron timidly
Up in her room on her gold and red silk bed was Zara crying. "It not fair! All I want for
Whomever: *singing* Christmas are my two front teeth!
my birthday is my brother. It has been so long! Things have not been the same since you died Mom. I wish you were here to tell me what to do." She said as hugged the doll.
Whomever: (Mom) Clean your room! Wash the dishes! Do your homework! Stop crying!
the Duke: (Zara) Never mind.
Just as she finish wiping her tears she a strange sound outside on her roof.
Whomever: It was laughter!
She went out to the balcony and looked up.
Hidden in the cloak of night was a figure standing on top of the roof. It remains hidden till the moonlight found holes to seep through. Then the figure slide down on the roof tiles creating a shower of sparks.
the Duke: Fireworks!
Three feet from the edge the figure jump gripped a flag
Whomever: (Large red flag) Why is it always me?
and swing around a few time till they released to a total 360 digress body twist before landing on the balcony with cat like grace.
Whomever: Okay... I understand the landing, but what's with the digress?
Zara clapped three times and
Whomever: The lights in her room turned off.
said "You defiantly have the skills and the moves but I still don't understand why you and your "friends" did what you did Callista. You have your mother-worried sick. So why don't you get out will you still can. Come home."
"My name,
Whomever: Holy crap! It's a comma! This is like, the twelfth comma in the story! And the only one to come before a quotation mark!
the Duke: But isn't there supposed to be a quotation thingy?
said the girl who violet eyes and short fox orange hair made her a dead ringer for her mother downstairs said, "is not Callista.
Whomever: (girl whose name is not Callista) I realized that it was a tacky name.
Not anymore. Not since those monster killed my brother! Fire Nations soldiers killed my brother!
Whomever: (Jet) Who hasn't the Fire Nation killed?
Our own people killed him and all he did was the right thing!" she hissed
Whomever: Was he part of the 42nd division? Because reading about the lives of the soldiers of the 41st might be interesting.
"He disobeyed orders." Said Zara unsurely
"You think not setting a village on fire with women and children is wrong?" asked the girl in her brother’s armor
Whomever: ...*looks at the Duke* ... *coughs*
the Duke: Hey, don't look at me like that! I was against Jet's plan, remember?
"Well no. It would be wrong to kill innocent people like they were cows to be slaughtered. What is the new name you have chosen because since I know when you join the Fire Nation Rebellion you pick a new name to burn aa way the ways of wick ness." Asked Zara
Whomever: (girl whose name is not Callista) We do?
the Duke: (Zara) Yea.
Whomever: (girl whose name is not Callista) Uh... okay... my name is, uh... Echo!
"It is Crimson
Whomever: Why not 'Vermilion'?
the Duke: Why not 'Red'?
Whomever: Not sparkly enough. Uh, 'Cochineal'?
and if your wondering how we destroy 6 war ships and raid the weapons supply I can’t tell you. I think Zara it high time you start listening to your heart.
Your mother would have wanted that. I will see in future right? I mean you are clairvoyance right?î asked Crimson as she turned to leave.
Whomever: There goes, the Crimson Chin!
ìIt is my mother gift to me. For with clairvoyance comes empathy and donít know if it a gift or a curse.
Whomever: (Monk) Hey... that's my line.
So watch your back Crimson. I will tell your mom your all right.î Replied Zara sadly as hung her head.
Crimson smiled and left. The moment she was gone Ozai stepped into the room.
Whomever: (Ozai) Zara, I heard voices! Who were you speaking with?
the Duke: (Zara) Oh, um, I wasn't talking to anyone. You must've been hearing things.
Whomever: (Ozai) Not again!
He was hold in a lead box and he said gently ìDaughter. I have been think about your request and I will allow you to go to your brother proved that
Whomever: (Ozai) you kill the twerp.
you give me a week report on how he treating you.î
Whomever: (Ozai) If he treats you horribly, he clearly doesn't care for family, and is not fit for the throne. If he treats you properly, he is clearly too softhearted, and is not fit for the throne.
the Duke: (Zara) But Father... either way, Zuko looses.
Whomever: (Ozai) I know! Genius huh?
ìSure! Thank you!î she said.
ìHere this is something your mother want to give you the day you become a lady. I believe today is that day.î He said as he handed he the lead box.
Whomever: Ozai was actually tired of having to keep tabs on Zara to know whether she was a lady or not.
Opening it she gasped as she pulled out on an iron chain necklace. Clasped in the center was a glowing
the Duke: blue vial.
Whomever: (Ozai) She called it the Evenstar. With it, you can have mortality.
the Duke: (Zara) Then why why didn't mom keep it?
Whomever: (Ozai) Apparently it went out of style.
red/yellow stone. It seems to glow in tune with her heartbeat.
Whomever: I'm not gonna question how, but just say "ew".
ìThe Eye of Ember! Youíre giving me this necklace!î she said in wonder
ìYes it was the first Fire Lord give to his love. He went to the very heart of a volcano to get it.
Whomever: Sadly enough, Aunt Wu had mistakenly guessed that the volcano wouldn't erupt.
Here let me put this on you. You look just as beautiful as your mother. Now get some sleep you have a long journey ahead of you.
That night as the light of the full moon reach the midnight point the same dream she had every time there was a full moon at midnight since her mother died started.
She was standing in a grassy green field with flowers everywhere.
Whomever: Cheesy music started playing in the background as she saw her true love.
A waterfall was near by. The sky was bluest and no clouds it was a position of paradises. Then all of sudden the land became barren and lava shot up form the ground and the sky become filled with thick black clouds that rained blood.
Whomever: (Tomoe) Hey hey hey, that's my line!
She could feel all who died in the war and she seeing millions of bodies piled high to the heavens.
Whomever: Ozai should've known better than to woo Penelope.
the Duke: ...?
Whomever: This is your cue to say Ozai thought if he'd known Odysseus was alive then he would have tried to enlist him into the army.
the Duke: ...who?
Whomever: ...yea, they probably didn't have the Odyssy back then. Lucky bastards. Nevermind.
"Somebody anybody save me! Help me! Ahh!’’ she cried as she fell into craves and screamed. Suddenly she was not falling but flying!
the Duke: She can fly!
Whomever: (Three Little Pigs) She can fly!
the Duke: (Pinocchio) She can fly!
Whomever: (Guard) She can talk!
A small boy on a glider was carrying her. She couldn’t see his face but she saw his
Whomever: Orange goggles!
the Duke: Aang has orange goggles?
Whomever: Wait, I thought she was referring to Teo. Never mind.
beautiful gray eyes. He laid her to rest and with a wave his hands
Whomever: A taxi stopped infront of him.
thing were wonderful again.
"Thank you!" she whisper kindly
"Don’t mention Lets go have fun," he said but before their hands met she woke up.
Whomever: Why am I not surprised?
"That the first time he been there. I wonder who he is. I couldn’t forgot those eyes." She said as she dressed.
Soon she was on a bout that would reunite her with her brother. She used her time wisely planning what to do. After a week they made it her brother bout just as dawn was at hand.
Whomever: *singing* She's got the da-awn in her hand, she's got the da-awn in her hand, she's got the da-awn in her hand, she's got the whole dawn in her hand.
"Why are stopping? I like to get to our destination soon. We are out of tea. And I would also like cake." Said Iroh as he yawned.
Whomever: Apparently the reason we never see Iroh during dawn is because that's when he babbles like an idiot.
"I’m sure we’ll get there soon. But first you must show me to my quarters sir." Said a slightly familiar voice behind him.
Whomever: (Iroh) Jun?
Turning around he saw his niece who he had not seen in two years!
Whomever: (Iroh) Ah, Princess Azula! How good it is to see you again!
"Zara! How good it is to see you!" cried Iroh as he hugged her.
"It is nice to see you to Uncle. Where is Zuko?" she asked eagerly
"In his room meditating. Come lets surprise him." As he lead her through the long corridors.
Whomever: What? No description of how the corridors were long and twisting like a snake? No talk of the labyrinth that was like her mind? I feel gypped.
Reaching Zuko chambers Iroh knocked. "Prince Zuko there is someone out here who like to speak with you."
Whomever: (Iroh) She says that she loves you in the show Avatar: the Last Airbender and says she knows the way to defeat the Avatar, and that she would love to stay on your ship until she can return to "America"
the Duke: (Zuko) Uh... tell her I'm busy!
"In less it about the Avatar I don’t wish to be disturbed Uncle. Out of curosisity why have we stopped? I order the ship to go full steam ahead so we could make it to
Whomever: (Zuko) The Caribbean before all the annoying tourists show up.
our goal in two days." Zuko replied angry as sat with his back to the door.
"We stopped to pick a guest. Someone who is more important than the Avatar." Replied his Uncle
"Who is more important the Avatar?" Asked Zuko as he adds more to the fire in front him.
Whomever: Whomever looked on in confusion as she sees the tense change.
"Me." Said a tiny voice that made Zuko head do a 180
Whomever: *shudders* That's creepy.
and his eyes meet with the eyes Zara and she smiled. "Hello Brother. Been awhile."
All the hate and angry and evil that normal was etched onto his face melted away
Whomever: Leaving bones and muscle.
and ran to her and picked her up and hugged her. Laughing and crying he said in a chocked voice
Whomever: (Zuko) I can't believe it's not butter.
"I thought I never see you Zara again. Come I’ll make you breakfast
the Duke: Can he cook?
Whomever: I don't know, but if I were the chef, I wouldn't let him try.
and you can tell me all about your adventures and I’ll share mine. We are still a few day away form where going."
"So Zuko where are heading and what were you and Uncle Iroh talking about. I thought I heard the word "Avatar" she asked.
"You did. The Avatar is alive.
Whomever: (King Bumi) And butt-kicking. *snorts in laughter*
the Duke: *coughs*
And we are on course to the island known as The Isle of the Avatar. It is said every Avatar that every lived has visit this Isle at one time or another and my bet that where we’ll find him.
Whomever: (Zuko) Because really, it's not like the Avatar could go there once the war was over, or that he had already gone there.
It also said that the first Avatar created the Island as a sanctuary for benders.
Whomever: A little know fact about Zuko: during a few months of his banishment, he served as a tour guide!
Come lets eat you must be starved."
Smiling they began to chat.
the Duke: (Zara) Did you hear that Herbal Essence *and* Tresseme both got shut down?
Whomever: (Zuko) I know. What kind of sick bastard would do that?
the Duke: (Zara) I don't know! Father is all upset about it too!
Whomever: (Zuko) Really? I thought he only used Pantine Pro-V.
the Duke: (Zara) No, he changed brands.
Whomever: (Zuko) Oh my gawd, tell me what else has happened while I've been gone.
She gazed out at sun on the sea and she knew she was in for adventure. But she had no idea what kind of adventure she was going to be in for.
****
Well, I don't have much to say, so let's just get to the good stuff, alright?
Redeeming features:
For a bad fic, this was rather impressive. The use of vocabulary was great, and she seems to have a good enough grasp on grammar. She follows the "show not tell" rule, which isn't seen too often in fanfiction these days.
RAP SHEET:
~ The prose. Good god, the prose. Description is good, but this went a bit overboard.
~ The names. I kept thinking of the Lion King when I saw them.
~ The flip-flop between the lack of spell check, and changing of words. While some were very amusing (aka "tartior"), I would settle with one.
"FATHER! HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT? HE IS YOUR SON AND HIS NAME IS ZUKO! I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU THINK HE A TARTIOR WHEN HE BEEN THE MOST LOALY TO THE FIRE NATION. AND THIS WHOLE CONCEPT OF HONOR IS STUPID BEYOND HELL! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO PUT HIM ON AN ABSURD QUEST TO FIND SOME ONE WHO NO LONGER ALIVE! I WANT MY BROTHER FOR MY BIRTHDAY AND YOU SAID YOU GIVE ME ANYTHING I WANT THAT WHAT I WANT. GOOD NIGHT!"
