Booter-Freak: Greetings, readers! Booter-Freak here with another MiST!
Toa Of Night: And I'm Booter-Freak's sister, Toa of Night, here to help!
BF: Today's fic is called "Shapeshifting Remedies", which although containing the word "remedies" in it, only seems to make people sick!
Toa: This Sue comes complete with Avatar powers, shape-shifting abilities, nagging past lives, and...wings.
BF: Yeah.
Toa: And not the yummy buffalo kind either.
BF: Be sure to take two spoonfuls of sugar to help THIS medicine go down, coz I tell you, this is one remedy that is hard to swallow.
Toa: I think it might actually be a suppository.
****
Shapeshifting Remedies
By Kawari Taizu
I jumped from rooftop to rooftop,
BF: Delivering goodies to all the good little boys and girls!
making small 'pat' sounds.
Toa: Stop spanking yourself!
I gazed upon my next target,
BF: Hopefully, she would shoot it instead of her foot.
a small cabbage merchant selling cabbages.
BF: Easy prey for a hungry Mary Sue!
Toa: Cabbage merchants...sell cabbages?! My god!
I jumped down into a dark ally way and
BF: Got mugged!
Toa: Got attacked by alley cats!
folded my white wings.
Toa: They were white...until she spilled mustard on them.
BF: She better remember to fold in thirds, not fourths!
I found a week spot.
Toa: I found some week spelling.
The merchant bent down
BF: Yaoi already?
Toa: Bad Cabbages! (sprays water on them) No humpy!
to pick something up,
BF: A hooker?
I sped over there and stuffed my bag with
Toa: Decapitated heads!
cabbages (and a few gold pieces).
Toa: They taste better without the wrapper, though!
He shot up,
BF: His rival gang.
Toa: Again?!
BF: Aaaagain.
enraged. I smirked and, in a flurry of wings,
BF: This Flurry flavor for a limited time at McDonalds!
jumped back up onto the roof top and sped away.
BF: Oh her...Roofmobile?
"MY CABEGES!!!" he yelled.
Toa: "MY SPELLING!!!" he yelled.
As I ran into the forest I heard the
Toa: trees speak
chanking
BF: Chanking...don't they have meds for that now?
of fire nation soldiers' armor chasing after me.
They'll never catch me!
Toa: She's the Gingerbread Sue!
BF: What I want to know is if the armor is chasing her, where are the soldiers?
(Soldiers, naked around a campfire) It's chilly tonight!
I am faster
Toa: Than what?
BF: A legless drunk?
and I am a great bender,
BF: Bends the truth all the time, you see.
but there were about 20 firebenders behind me.
Toa: (Sue) I don't work that way!
BF: That's some conga line!
The firebenders started to lag behind and eventually stopped.
BF: They saw a donut shop on the way, and decided to have a snack.
I, on the other hand, had an awesome amount of stamina
Toa: And 80 Health points left!
and had barely broken a
BF: Wind?
sweat. I reached my small camp
BF: A cardboard box.
Toa: The ultimate fort!
in one piece
BF: Gotta catch 'em all!
Toa: That's...that's Pokemon...not One Piece.
BF: You mean they're not the same?
and started to fix dinner,
BF: After she broke it earlier.
Toa: When it's blacker than black, there's no going back.
but I needed one more ingredient,
BF: Food?
so I sped off back into town. I peered through the bushes.
BF: Yeah, that's where I do all my shopping. The bushes.
"We have visitors." I whispered
BF: To who? The bush?
as I saw a fire nation ship pull into the ship yard.
BF: Wait...is this some kind of lewd sex joke, or am I reading this wrong?
Then two people came off of the ship.
BF: It was us.
Toa: We were sightseeing!
1 of them was an old man,
Toa: That's you, sis.
BF: -_-;;
who obviously loved pie sho.
Toa: The only game where you needed to go on a diet afterwards.
The teen with him is stubborn, with anger management problems.
BF: You could tell by his "I'M ANGRY" shirt.
'Interesting bunch.' I thought as I
BF: Met the Bradys.
noticed a bag of coins tied onto the boy's waist.
Toa: Zuko's going to get a lapdance tonight!
I wielded two daggers, one in each hand,
BF: That must be painful. She should pull them out.
and started to un
BF: Dress?
sheathe them. I pulled my blonde hair out of my face
BF: Cousin It? Get outta here!
and ran at full speed
BF: "Slight jog"
towards the fire nation people. I swung my daggers left
BF: Too bad Zuko was standing at the RIGHT.
and tore through the small coin bag and grabbed 7 gold pieces.
Toa: Count them with me!
Then I ran off, but stopped abruptly as my back took an amazing blow from the teen
BF: The urge to put something dirty here is overwhelming...
Toa: I know. I feel it too.
and everything went black...
Toa: Zuko's black? I knew it.
I woke up a few minutes later to find myself tied up and gagged in a cold cell.
BF: Most fics don't get to the S&M till the third chapter!
I folded my wings
Toa: Into the shape of a swan!
and eventually disacquired them so I looked human.
BF: Translation: She stuffed them in her bra.
Toa: "Why, yes, I AM an E cup!"
Then the teen came blasting through the door. I glared at him.
BF: Who's paying for the door???
"Who are you!?!" he yelled in my face.
BF: "I am..."
Toa: "Who are you!?!"
BF: "I am..."
Toa: "Who are you!?!"
BF: "I am..."
Toa: "Who are you!?!"
BF: "Oh, forget it!"
I mumbled something and shrugged.
BF: She doesn't know either.
"You insignificant little..."
BF: Who's stealing lines from Disney villains?
His uncle opened the door.
BF: I thought it got blasted down?
Toa: Magic doors!
"Nephew, why are you
Toa: Not wearing pants?
talking to this lovely young lady like that?"
Toa: While not wearing pants?
He turned to me. I put on a sad face at his uncle.
BF: I put on a sad face at that grammar.
"I was running away from someone and my daggers must have somehow cut your bag and I thought I had dropped my coins so I picked them up and started to run away when he shot at me."
BF: I have not seen lying this crappy since...
(Aang) I'm not the Avatar! (continues to bend the shit out of everything)
I started to fake cry.
Toa: WAH! You like that? WAH!
"Zuko! Can I PLEASE speak to you outside?" He grabbed the teen,
BF: Whoa! Iroh, not it public!
"Zuko's", arm without answer. Zuko shot me
BF: Yay!
an 'I'll kill you later' look
Toa: Yay!
and I stopped my act and froze. 'What have I gotten myself into' I thought gravely.
BF: A bad fic?
Zuko locked door behind him.
BF: Ever since the LAST time someone barged in on him using the bathroom, he learned to lock the door.
I crawled over to the door and shoved my ear to the side of the door only to hear
BF: The ocean?
muffled noises.
Toa: WHOA! What are they doing over there?
The voices stopped
BF: See? Meds help!
and I scuttled back to the center of the cell. I put my sad face back on.
BF: Hexadecimal plays The Sue in "Shapeshifting Remedies"!
He glared at me from behind his uncle.
BF: Yeah, that glare looks real potent from behind your meat-shield, Zuko.
"Prince Zuko tells me that you tried to steal our money. Is this true?" he looked at me. I attempted a laugh.
BF: Yeah, Iroh, it's pretty obvious.
"No! How silly of you to think that. No I wouldn't," I managed another laugh.
Toa: My evil twin did it!
Zuko gave me another bone chilling look.
BF: Then Zuko gave her a silly look! Then a sad look! Then a quirky look!
I made sure that the cloth wrap on my arm was tight so they couldn't tell I was the Shapeshifter.
BF: Oh my god, that makes so much sense.
Toa: Because if she was an angel, I would scream.
"YOU'RE LYING!!!" Zuko screamed.
Toa: THE MIGHTY ZUKO KNOWS ALL!
BF: Yeah, he can SEE your cloth wrap...that hides your shapeshifting powers...somehow...in some...way...
Toa: Maybe it's a magic jockstrap or something.
I was frozen to the spot.
BF: Toa, go get the hairdryer.
Toa: Do I have to?
"Ummm..." was all I managed to say.
Toa: Yeah, that's all I can say about this fic too!
I started to run past them,
BF: Did she try to steal some coins along the way?
when he grabbed my collar
BF: Kinky.
and threw me backwards. I choked
BF: Rookie.
and felt my head hit the metal wall.
Toa: A material denser than her head? Impossible!
"Uncle, go. I have some business to attend to."
Toa: (Zuko) I need to practice being a good boyfriend!
His uncle took to it right away.
BF: I don't blame him. NO ONE would want to stick around to see that!
"Who are you girl?
BF: We ASSUME "girl".
And I don't take prisoner for an answer!"
BF: But he takes "no" for a hostage!
"Why do you care!"
Toa: Does he?
"Because you stole my money!"
Toa: (Zuko) You know how many hoes I had to slap around to get that?
"What money" Being a firebender, I wanted to have some fun with this.
BF: Fun with what? Our sanity?
"What do you mean 'What money?' the money that you stole from me!"
BF: Play money doesn't count, Zuko!
"I didn't steal any money!"
Toa: She stole his Golf 'N Games tokens!
"What are you talking about! I saw you take our money!"
Toa: Or was it an...optical illusioooon?
"I don't under..."
BF: Stand? Me either.
he walked up to me, who was crouched on the ground,
BF: Takin' a piss.
and grabbed my collar.
BF: The cheap one he bought for her at PetCo.
"Lemme GO!!!" I screamed. Then, without warning, my eyes and dragon tattoos started to glow a deep red.
BF: (mind burning from cheesiness) Talk about no warning! Toa, you didn't tell me the Sue was THIS retarded!
Toa: Hey! Let's put a lampshade on her!
Zuko dropped my collar and stepped back from me, and his uncle burst through the door.
Toa: (Iroh) OH YEAH!
BF: How many times is that door going to get busted?
"Zuko! Get out of here! You triggered it!"
Toa: What?
BF: That Zuko. So trigger happy.
"Triggered WHAT!!!"
Toa: Pandora's box!
BF: A bad Sue Power!
"The Shapeshifter state!"
Toa: Isn't that Iowa?
"The WHATA?"
Toa: THE WHENA?
BF: But WHERA?
They bickered as I screeched when the state took over my body.
BF: Sue Snatchers!
My spirit decided to take a trip into the spirit world.
Toa: She's high! I knew it!
BF: Her spirit has a mind of its own!
"Cariana!
BF: Sounds like carrion. Weird.
How could you?!?
BF: Yeah, that's what I say to people who write fics like these.
And in front of the FIRE PRINCE!
Toa: Flasher!
You should be ashamed!"
BF: (reading the fic) Yeah, she should be.
I looked at my elderly past life, a woman with long black hair.
BF: Pocahontas?
She was a waterbender and an earthbender.
BF: They must have been having a two for one sale at the Bending Bin.
"Kensi,
BF: Kensi is what happens when you put Ken's head on Barbie's body.
I didn't mean to. I have absolutely no control...
BF: Of my bladder.
I mean..."
"Speak no more.
Toa: "Quiet you!"
But you must stay on the ship for a while until I tell you that you can get off."
BF: (Cariana) When can I get off?
(Kensi) Where the sidewalk ends.
"WHAT!"
"Speak no more!
Toa: "SHUT UP, B****! I AM TALKING HERE!" (slap)
You return to your body."
BF: And THINK about what you did!
And before I could say another word, Kensi faded and I felt consciousness come back into my own body.
BF: She also felt her bowels release themselves.
"Uhhh..."
Toa: (singing) Da-na nana!
I moaned. I fell unconscious and my body collapsed onto the steel floor.
BF: Hoooold up. Did not consciousness return into her "own body"? And didn't she already collapse?
Before everything went totally black, I saw a tall, dark figure loom above me...
Toa: Voldemort!
BF: Ozai!
Toa: Lord Zedd!
BF: Emperor Palpetine!
I woke up on a stiff bench-like bed,
BF: In the park.
with my blonde hair streaming across a pillow and a blanket over my pale, delicate body.
BF: Um...should we leave you and your body alone together?
Toa: I smell the stench of...unnecessary description
My long legs were hanging off of the edge of the bed. The wraps on my arms and legs were coming lose
Toa: and loose.
and my clothes looked as if I wallowed in a mud pile with a chicken-pig.
BF: Odd choice of lovers.
Toa: Intellect matches, tho.
I was still in the same cell as earlier, and it was still freezing cold.
BF: (Cariana, checking nipples) Yes, still cold.
I got up and went towards the door,
Toa: The doggy door?
half-expecting it to be open.
BF: That must have been her stupid half expecting that.
It wasn't. Instead, it was locked and I could hear guards out side, shifting their weight from one foot to the other.
BF: (Gaurds) Man, how long is she gonna be in the bathroom? I really gotta go!
I walked back to my sorry excuse for a
BF: Fic?
bed and sat down to think about what Kensi said.
Toa: Pouting along the way...
I almost dosed off
Toa: Thinking IS boring!
when I heard mumbling, footsteps, and a "click" that unlocked the door. I put my hand to my head, pretending to just get up.
BF: This chick seriously sucks at faking.
"Well, well.
BF: A deep subject.
Look who's up. Well,
Toa: "Well": Zuko's word of the day!
in that case you can answer a few questions and all will be fine."
Toa: (Zuko) Take this survey and you could win a corvette!
Zuko came through the door and put a very evil smirk on.
BF: He had it tied on backwards, however.
He created a small flame in each hand. I tried to make myself as small as possible in front of him, no luck.
BF: (Cariana) Damn, I can never get smaller than a size 8!
I just cowered in fear in front of him. He took a step toward me while smiling menacingly. He made the flames in each palm of his hands larger and hotter.
Toa: That's hot.
BF: Knock off the foreplay, you two.
"Okay to start this off with the point. Where is the Avatar?"
Toa: I guess he figures if he asks enough random people, he'll eventually get a lead on Aang.
he grabbed a chunk of my hair and yanked it towards his face.
BF: Zuko wanted to see how he'd look with a beard.
"I don't know."
"Yes you do, now tell me."
"How could I know?"
"Because you went into the Shapeshifter state."
BF: Glowing tattoos don't equal knowledge, Zuko.
"Just because I went into something similar to the Avatar state doesn't mean I know where he is."
Toa: It just means she isn't original.
"Girl, if you use that big mouth again..."
BF: (Zuko) For anything other than pleasuring me...
"Alright, MUM!" that got him mad. He threw my head against the wall on my cell and gestured to the guards to come put chains on my ankles, wrists and neck.
BF: These guys like it rough!
When a guard came to put the metal collar on, that led to the chain leash,
BF: Okay, yeah, this is getting really kinky.
I bit him, drawing blood.
Toa: SHE FEEDS!
When the guard let out a small scream of
BF: Pleasure
pain, Zuko came,
BF: (covers Toa's eyes) This scene is way too adult for you.
pushed him
BF: Reaaaaaal good!
aside, and secured the rest of the collar, holding my head down so I
BF: Wow, this scene is more implicit of fellatio than the entire novel of Dracula!
couldn't turn around and bite him.
Toa: Where, exactly?
I growled at him.
BF: She LIKES it.
Then he grabbed the chain collar. I was forced up and dragged forward.
BF: Forward march!
I looked over my shoulder to find the bleeding guard being helped up by another.
BF: I'm glad the guard found someone who could be good to him.
Toa: Me too.
They looked at me and I mouthed
BF: Off
Toa: When isn't she?
to them 'I'm sorry'. They nodded in understanding and I lurched forward again.
Toa: Aww, Lifetime moment!
Zuko opened up the door to the deck and tugged violently at the chain again and I fell onto my hands and knees.
Toa: Doggy Style.
BF: Yep, she likes it "ruff".
Zuko dropped my chain and walked 5 paces away.
BF: ...why?
I got up and saw him take a fighting pose.
BF: Known as the Cowering Hamster.
I picked up my arms and got in a sloppy
BF: Joe?
pose. He started of with a few fire blasts and I dodged them all, barely.
Toa: (Patches O'Hoolahan) Listen up, crotch-stain! If you can dodge a fire blast, you can dodge a ball!
"Fight me!" Zuko yelled out to me.
BF: (Carianna) Don't tell me what to do!
He made a large flame in his hands and threw them at me. I dodged the first blow but the second hit the left side of my stomach. I screamed and fell to my knees.
Toa: Like a wimp!
BF: Like a...hehe, too adult for me to finish...
Zuko covered his ears because of my scream.
BF: It sounded a lot like her singing.
I looked up but all I could see was swirling colors
BF: I think this chick needs to lay off the magic brownies.
and then I closed my eyes and went unconscious...
Toa: Is she narcoleptic?
Dream
Toa: The name of her pony!
(She's 7 yrs. Old)
Toa: in her mind!
I ran through my village, panting and sweating. All of the buildings around me were burning and everyone was dead.
Toa: When they start to stink after a couple of hours, you know they're dead.
A group of 20 firebenders were hot on my trail.
BF: But she has excellent stamina!
When they were just about to get me, the entire setting changed from burning fire nation village to fire nation boat in the middle of the sea. I saw Zuko standing over me, fire in his hands and ice in his heart.
BF: And bile in my throat.
He threw a large fireball at me and hit me...
End Dream
Toa: End fic?
I woke up sweating and panting.
BF: Sweats and pants in dreams, sweat and pants awake, is there ever a time when she's not tired and smelly?
"What a nightmare." I put my right hand on my head and started to rub it.
BF: (Cariana) Mmmmm...feels good...
"Wait, where am I?" I gazed at the east wall, which was now a barred wall. I growled. 'What is Zuko doing with me? Showing me off to the public...'
BF: He must have put their kinky sex tapes on the web.
my train of thought was interrupted by a pair of yellow eyes peering through.
BF: Through what?
Toa: Her shirt.
"What do you want with me, Zuko?" I glared at him.
"All I want with you, peasant, is the Avatar. Now, tell me where he is!" I put my hands behind my head.
BF: (Zuko) Can you lower your arms? You're really sweaty.
"Well this is going to be a loooooooong day. You should get comfortable." I closed my eyes.
"Don't you dare fall asleep!"
BF: The clowns will get you!
"Yawn. Oh were you talking to me?"
BF: No, he was talking to the audience.
"YES I WAS!!!" he yelled through clenched teeth.
Toa: And clenched cheeks.
"Oh then could you please speak slower because I'm not FLUENT IN IDIOT!!!"
BF: I'm fluent in idiot. Hence why I can read this fic.
I tried to stand up but was stopped by a pain
BF: The low ceiling?
and screamed.
"Aeah!" I screeched. Zuko covered his ears.
BF: I don't blame him.
Toa: (Zuko) I'm sorry, but you're not the next American Idol!
"What did you do to me!"
BF: (Zuko) I turned you into a MAN, baby!
"It's just a little burn, you'll get over it."
BF: Heh, Zuko did.
"You monster! I hate you!"
Toa: "I'm never speaking to you again!"
"Well, you should." I screamed again, just to get on his nerves.
"Stop that, girl, or I'll go deaf!" I laughed but stopped the second I heard myself laugh.
BF: (Cariana) Hahahahahha, that tickles!
I covered my mouth with my hands.
Toa: It's laughing, not puking.
BF: She's puking sound.
I hadn't laughed since my parents died 5 years ago.
BF: When they entered the "Finger in a Socket" contest!
"Eeep!" I squeaked in shock. Zuko just looked at me as if I was crazy.
Toa: His assumptions are correct.
"I'll be back
BF: Asta la vista.
Toa: With weapons!
later." And with that Zuko left to go above deck.
BF: Where he didn't have to smell her.
"Man, that dude is tense." I lay against the back wall.
Toa: (Cariana) He needs some of my happy pills.
"He needs to relax more. Let go of this 'Avatar' business."
BF: Invest in some stocks, maybe.
I went over to my bed. I found my bag that I had when I first got knocked out.
BF: Amazing this bag hasn't been found, confiscated, and searched!
I rummaged through it and found a curved flute like thing.
BF: Actually, it was just a tampon.
I started to play on it,
Toa: With her anus!
ignoring the shouting that Zuko had found
BF: The golden ticket!
the Avatar above deck. Zuko's uncle came down stairs to look for the source of the
Toa: Ultimate Power!
beautiful flute music, to find me.
Toa: (Iroh) AHHHHHHHHH!
BF: (Iroh) You're not a flute!
I saw him come to the east wall but ignored him and kept playing.
BF: (Cariana) La la la la can't hear you!
When I finished my piece
BF: Of shit.
I looked up when I heard him clapping.
BF: (Iroh) Why won't the lights come on?
"That was wonderful. Would you care to join us above deck on music night in three days?"
Toa: (Iroh) It's not like you have anything better to do, since you're in prison and all.
"Won't Zuko be mad if I came out of here?"
BF: Not really. It's not like he GOES to music night.
(Zuko) I need ALONE time!
"I'm sure he'll make an exception."
Toa: (Cariana) Good. Because sometimes it gets hot in this box.
"Oh thank you! I accept your invitation to music night."
Toa: (Cariana) I normally don't get invited to parties!
"Alright, I look forward to hearing you play your flute."
Toa: ...*cough*kazoo*cough*
"It's called a jin-yee flute."
BF: It's called a stoo-pid flute.
"Okay, then I look forward to listen to you play your jin-yee flute."
Toa: (Iroh) And the screaming that will result.
"Okay, see you then. Oh, before you leave," I started as he was about to leave.
BF: (Cariana) Refill my water, please?
"Will Zuko be there?"
BF: Not if he can help it.
"He doesn't usually but maybe I can persuade him to.
BF: (Iroh) Five bucks. Take it or leave it.
Toa: (Iroh) If you don't come, I'll make you sleep with the Sue!
Oh and call me Uncle Iroh or just Uncle."
BF: Can we call you Jo-Bob?
"Okay. See you then, Uncle Iroh." Iroh left with a smile that would probably annoy the crap out of Zuko.
BF: The "I invited someone you hate to music night" smile?
'What I'd give to see the look on Zuko's face when his uncle meets up with him.
Toa: PURE HORROR.
That would be priceless' I sighed.
BF: There are some things money can't buy. Zuko's terror and loathing? Priceless.
'If only I could get out of this damned cell.' I whished to myself. I set down my flute on my bed and went rummaging through my things again.
BF: Perhaps there is a metal file in there she can use to escape?
This time I found my painting pad, a brush, and a pack of black paint.
BF: And a million tampons.
I set the supplies out on the floor and got to painting a lung dragon.
Toa: Oh god...not EMO paintings.
After a few minutes of my attempt, I quit and put my stuff up.
Toa: Finger painting is hard work!
I sat on the floor and started picking at the bandages that were on my stomach.
BF: Don't pick. You make them bleed again. And then you'll plague us with an angsty blood-themed monologue of dark thoughts.
After a few seconds, I lost interest in that
BF: Oh. Well. Nevermind.
Toa: ADHD?
and lay down. My eyes popped open when I heard the guards bring in someone.
BF: Her meal.
"I want the Avatar under special attention;
BF: And, just what does that MEAN exactly?
just forget about the girl, if she gets out she'll get another scar on her stomach."
I heard Zuko's stern voice say behind me.
Toa: (Zuko) Peek-A-Boo!
'This is gonna be messy.'
BF: That's what I said about MiSTing this sucker.
I dragged myself up to the barred side of the room to see the guards pushing the Avatar down to my old cell.
BF: So, what did Zuko need her to find the Avatar? Looks like he's doing okay by himself!
(Zuko, touched) Finally! Someone who doesn't think I'm a total failure!
"What are you looking at, Shapeshifter!" one of the guards kicked me
BF: In the nuts.
and I fell down across the floor. When I got up I changed into a large fox the size of a male lion, and growled.
BF: What is it? A Liox?
Toa: A Lame?
BF: Yeah, there we go.
"I bet you wouldn't hurt us!" one of the guards sneered.
Toa: (Guards) Hey! Look at that stupid wolf!
"Watch me!" I yelled but they were already down the hall. Right when they were opening my door, the Avatar knocked them out.
Toa: So much for watching!
Zuko: These henchmen are as inept as Toph's capturers!
With his hands behind his back
BF: He didn't want them getting bitten off.
he came up to me.
Toa: (Aang) Um, I'll have the large fries and a coke?
"Hi, I'm Aang, the Avatar. I'll try to come back and rescue you."
BF: Yeah, sure, Aang. *wink wink*
"No, I must stay here. My past life said I have to."
BF: What, you gonna let your past life tell you how to live this one?
"Okay then, bye!" he ran off.
Toa: Run, Aang, RUN!
"Wait! Steer clear of Zuko.
BF: No shit.
He is... ruthless... ahhh well, he's gone."
BF: Ah well.
I changed back to normal and practiced flying,
BF: In that small cell?
(Cariana) I changed into a paper airplane!
Toa: She just keeps banging into the wall like a stupid fly!
first securing everything in my room
BF: "Gotta frisk it first!"
then going into the middle and flapping my wings rapidly. I heard a large splash outside.
BF: Pool party on deck!
Toa: Someone's blowing chunks off the bow!
"Eeeah!" I screeched in surprise.
BF: Right. She doesn't blink in surprise over Zuko freaking out over the Avatar, but she hears a splash out in the middle of the OCEAN, and she's like "OMGWTFBBQ??!!1"
(Carianna) Is it a mermaid???
I reached my hand out of the bars like an animal begging for food, and grabbed the keys off of the nearest guard.
Toa: Couldn't she have done that before?
BF: Or used her shapeshifting powers?
(Carianna) But my past life said not to!
(BF) THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?
I unlocked the lock and ran out of the room, wings folded tightly against my body.
BF: So it only appeared as a hunchback!
I burst out onto the deck to find a bunch of firebenders frozen.
BF: Oh, did Zuko give them a bone-chilling glare?
I looked over the edge and found Zuko hanging onto the anchor.
BF: (singing) You just keep my hanging on!
"Need help?"
Toa: (singing) We all need somebody to lean on!
"OBVIOSLY!!!"
BF: "OBVIOUSLY" NOT.
"Well, don't you need to say something to me? An apology maybe?" I crossed my arms.
BF: (Zuko) I'm sorry...you're a douche.
"I'm sorry" he mumbled softly.
"What was that, I couldn't hear you."
BF: (Zuko, yelling) YOU'RE A DOUCHE!
"I'M SORRY!!! NOW HELP ME UP!!!" once I helped him up he started to yell at me.
Toa: The volume of his voice was at 11!
"What are you doing out of your cell?"
BF: (Zuko) Didn't I tell you to stay put?
"What would have happened if I was still in it, eh?" Uncle Iroh butted in. "She has a point there, Zuko." Zuko stormed off.
BF: Iroh, you're not helping!
"I'm going to bed,
Toa: Crying!
no interruptions."
BF: He needs "special alone" time.
Once he was gone, I put my hands on my hips and made my face all screwed up.
BF: More than usual?
"I'm going to bed, no interruptions." I said in a deep voice. Everyone, including the guards, started to crack up laughing.
BF: Wow, these guys need to get out more.
"That was a good imitation, for a girl anyway."
BF: Coz God knows girls suck at humor and impersonation.
I bowed.
"Thank you, thank you, you're too kind." I winced when my stomach started hurting
BF: That Time of the Month, huh?
when I bowed. I fell because of the pain.
Toa: Then maybe she shouldn't...do that?
Iroh ran up to me
BF: Slow motion!
Toa: (Cariana) No! The jiggly! ACK!
and put my hand over his shoulder.
"I'm sorry about what Zuko did to you. I didn't know that he could be so..."
BF: Blatantly abused?
"Mean, violent..."
Toa: Wangsty?
"Well...yeah."
"I think that I will go down and... do something."
BF: Take a dump?
I said hurriedly. I ran away,
BF: Desperate to reach the can in time.
tears threatening to pour out of my eyes.
BF: They also threatened to cut her with a knife.
I got into my cell and locked myself in. about an hour later, Zuko came down.
BF: (Zuko) Can I use the bathroom now?
"Go away." I said coldly. He didn't leave. I turned around.
"Go Away!" I said, more urgently. He just stood there.
Toa: Maybe he's deaf?
"GO AWAY!!!" I screamed and threw a blast of air at him which
Toa: Smelled to high heaven!
(Zuko) Some kind of defense mechanism! So powerful! The SMELL!!
sent him flying
BF: Be free, Zuko!
and he hit the wall with a thud. I changed into an obsidian wolf and sliced through the bars that held me in.
BF: With what wolf ability, exactly? Laser vision?
I had no intention to unlock the cage.
BF: She wanted to cause as much property damage as possible.
I looked at him. He weakly looked up.
BF: Look at that!
Toa: (Zuko) Hm...she's a little hairier than I remember...
"That was for earlier." I swept past, my tail almost hitting him across his face.
Toa: Tail b**** slap!
I jumped the entire way up the stairs and out onto the deck.
BF: Able to leap a building in a single bound!
I sat down to look out at the sea. Compared to a real wolf, I was at least 2 1/2 times bigger, maybe 3 times bigger.
BF: Steroids.
Toa: Get off the juice!
I didn't care about the soldiers staring at me as they passed by.
BF: The whistles and cat-calls, however, DID bother her.
I heard footsteps, a certain teenager's footsteps,
BF: Aang's?
(Cariana) Twinkletoes?
and raised my hackles.
"What do YOU want?" I growled. He stepped back. I didn't take my gaze off of the moon.
BF: (Yue) Why is she staring at me? She's creeping me out!
I gave a solemn wild howl that seemed to echo inside my heart.
BF: And we gave a solemn groan that echoed throughout the empty depths of the fic.
Toa: Lay off the Goth poety!
I let down my guard and lay down, putting my head on my paws.
BF: Admiring the lovely manicure job on her claws.
I grumbled and closed my eyes, falling into a somewhat slumber.
Toa: What's a somewhat slumber?
BF: You know, what we do during class.
Toa: Oh.
Zuko came over and stopped by me, who opened one eye barely to see what he was doing.
Toa: (Cariana) I'm watching you watching myself watching me!
He bent down and examined the burn on my side.
Toa: Admiring his work.
BF: "Zuko Wuz Here!"
When he put his hand out to my side to feel my fur, my eyes popped open and I growled, loudly. He jumped back.
BF: Careful! She might have rabies!
"Busted." I said. He got this really scared look on his face.
BF: Must have seen her face.
I started to chase him around, me being happy and he was scared out of his wits.
BF: Azula and her would get along. They love making Zuko miserable.
Toa: I smell a sitcom couple.
I changed back to normal and fell down, laughing. He came up to me.
BF: He should have just called the dog catcher.
"That wasn't funny!" he accused. I laughed harder. I pointed at him.
Toa: Zuko chickened out like a baby! Let's all laugh at his pain and humiliation!
"Admit it!"
"Admit what?!?"
BF: That the fic sucks?
Toa: That she's a loser?
"That you were scared!"
BF: Of her face!
"I was not!"
"Was too!"
"Was NOT"
Toa: I admire their witty banter!
"You were so scared. You're just to chicken to admit it." Silence.
"HA! You are a chicken!"
BF: He's not a man, he's a chicken-boo!
"Nuh uh!"
"Now you're just acting childish."
Toa: (Zuko) AM NOT! I'm telling!
"I wouldn't be the one talking."
"Hey!" I punched him in the shoulder.
BF: I punched her in the gut!
Toa: Two for flinching~!
"Ow! That hurt... surprisingly." He whispered.
Toa: For the first time in his life...Zuko experiences pain...
"Say What now!?!
Toa: When did they start giving the Sue Meatwad's lines?
You thought that I could hit you and it wouldn't hurt. Ha!
Toa: Pink bellies do that to you.
You are stupid, Zuko." Now it was his turn to chase me around and try to kill me.
BF: I just love their playful frolicking!
Toa: Cue the Yakkity-Yak song!
"Uncle Iroh, Zuko is trying to kill me!"
BF: It wouldn't be the first or the last time.
"Hey you two! Break it up!"
Toa: Why doesn't he just break her?
BF: Don't make Iroh get the squirt bottle
I ducked behind Uncle Iroh.
Toa: Uncle Iroh makes a good shield: he's tough AND broad!
"Listen to your elders Zuko. They always know what's good for you." I smiled.
BF: (Iroh) Zuko! Let's go buy me a lotus tile!
Iroh nodded at Zuko and left. Zuko looked at me. I was smiling so broadly that I think it made him cringe.
BF: It's making ME cringe!
"Suck up." He muttered.
"I heard that!" I smirked and punched him in the arm.
BF: (Zuko) Not my squeezing arm! Why'd it have to be my squeezing arm!
"Ouch! You have a strong arm, for a girl!" now it was his turn to smirk.
Toa: That was a low blow.
BF: Let's all bask in the glory of sexism!
"Oh, you just did NOT just say that!"
Toa: Then she gave him the triple snap.
I pulled out Zuko's hair ribbon
BF: I can't imagine Zuko wearing a hair ribbon. Maybe barrettes or scrunchies, but ribbons? No.
and ran off with it.
Toa: To sell it on e-bay!
BF: "Buy Now: Real proof Zuko is GAY!"
"Hey, wait! Get back here!" he ran off after me.
"Ha! In your dreams, Sparky!" I continued running.
BF: (in a rage)...the only woman...who should ever say that to a man...is AndrAIa towards Matrix...and that's IT.
Suddenly, he tackled me to the ground and we fell forward.
BF: Yeah, tackling does that.
Zuko was leaning over me and I was on my back, facing him.
BF: My heightened senses smell the stench of sexual tension. It smells like WET ASS.
"Okay. Awkward moment." I said and pushed him off. We sat there, side by side, looking away from each other and blushing.
BF: Yes. I am embarrassed for them too.
Toa: And they were so close to mating like rabid weasels!
I quickly got up.
"I'll be... in my... cell!"
Toa: (Cariana) Alone...with romantic candles...
I said and, blushing brightly, ran towards the cell I was staying in. I ran into it
BF: (Cariana) OW.
and slammed the door, breathing deeply. Then I noticed the big hole I had left.
BF: Between her ears!
"Damnit..." I muttered and began to weld them back together with my firebending.
BF: Why doesn't she just use metalbending?
Toa: Don't go down that road...
BF: I'm just saying! She has WINGS, it can't be too much to hazard she has some other loony powers in there as well!
After I finished, I was sweating and panting.
BF: She sure sweats and pants a lot.
Toa: It's like she was actually doing work!
I collapsed onto my bench-like bed,
BF: Does is vibrate?
staring at the smooth ceiling.
BF: Does it have a mirror?
I heard footsteps and sat up. Zuko was looking at my melding.
Toa: (Zuko) WHO MADE THIS MESS?
"I don't want any criticism on how bad I meld." I told him, lying back down.
"I wasn't here to... um... criticize the welding you did." Zuko said,
BF: (Zuko) I came to criticize your attempts at seduction!
feeling the bars that I had melded together.
BF: (Carianna) Um, can you stop stroking those and come over HERE?
There was a silence between us.
Toa: Until someone farted.
"Okay," I started, eyeing him cautiously.
"Why did you come down here?" Zuko didn't take his gaze off of the bars.
BF: Wow, he really likes those bars.
(Zuko) Um, can we have a moment alone?
"I just... uh... came to say that I'm sorry..." he told me.
Toa: (Zuko) Sorry you're so ugly!
"You already said sorry, and I forgave you." I said, sitting back up. He still didn't look at me.
BF: Too enraptured in the entrancing allure of those bars.
"Okay, well I wanted to make it up to you." He said.
BF: (Zuko) Let's go to McDonald's!
I raised an eyebrow.
Toa: Was it a saucy eyebrow?
"Like how? How can the great Fire Prince repay a peasant like me?" I joked.
BF and Toa: SEXUALLY.
Zuko sighed.
"Would you... would... you
BF: (Zuko) Would you, could you, on a box? Would you, could you, with a fox?
Toa: (Cariana) I do not like green eggs and ham!
like to come to music night with me?" he asked, finally looking at me. I felt my face grow hot with embarrassment.
BF: She just realized she can't dance for beans!
I felt bad for joking with him and now she wanted to make it up to him.
BF: And now she wanted to speak in third person.
"Uh... okay... sure..." I stuttered.
BF: If you turn her crank, she stops sputtering.
Zuko nodded and left. I lay back down on my bed and waited for him to leave.
BF: But...he left!
When I heard the door closed and checked that there weren't any guards around, I leapt off of my bed and jumped into the air with joy.
BF: Now, if this fic ends with a freeze frame of her mid jump, I'll shoot somebody.
Toa: (backing away) Not me!
Dancing with joy for about five more minutes, I finally sat back on my bed, leaned against the back wall, and looked up at the ceiling, smiling broadly.
BF: It's like she's happy to be with Zuko, yet I know that can't be right, on account of how she actively berates him, chases him, and beats him!
After a few minutes of staring at the ceiling,
BF: She was high.
(Carianna) Like...how many dots are in the ceiling? It's sooooo surreal, man! It's like they're MOVING!
I heard some loud banging on the floor,
Toa: (Carianna) YOU KIDS SHUT UP UP THERE! I AM SLEEPING!
as if someone was
BF: Having wild sex.
jumping.
****
BF: Anyone have a remedy for "Shapeshifting Remedies"?
Toa: Lots of therapy and happy pills?
BF: Actually, I think a good, solid rating of the fic will do me.
Redeeming Qualities:
~Aang and gang didn't have to suffer her.
~It was only one chapter...so far.
~Small flashback past.
Damning Features:
~The powers. It's like this author couldn't pick which annoying Sue power she wanted to have...wings, Avatarism, shapeshifting...and so she threw them all together!
~The personality. This girl has a personality like a badger with a giant thorny stick covered in fire ants and acid stuck up its ass. And who gets the end of all this rage? Zuko. Poor guy.
~The lack of explanation. Look, we're HAPPY we didn't have to suffer a flashback, but shouldn't there be some background info? What is the Shapeshifter State? How is it like being an Avatar? Who are the past lives? How is she reincarnated? WHY should we GIVE a damn???
~The attention span. Seriously, subjects and emotions change on a---ooh, something shiny!
Credits
"Shapeshifting Remedies" by [AUTHOR]
MiSTed by Booter-Freak
MiSTing concept by Best Brains Inc.
***
I was running away from someone and my dagger must have somehow cut your bag and I thought I had dropped my coins so I picked them up and started to run away when he shot at me.
