When I go looking for fics to MiST, I always try to find a fic that has a little something "special" to it. No *ordinary* bad fics for me! I like fics that have unique sense of horror to them. Hence why I chose this fic.
What's so bad about this little comedy fic, you ask?
Zhao/Iroh.
Why, Stan, WHY?
((Note: A HUGE thanks to SergeantStan for being such an awesome sport and letting us MiST her fic! If there were more cool people like her, the world would be a wonderful place. And yes, Stan, let's get married. But hell will freeze over before I let Iroh be one of my bridesmaids-I don't care HOW much you dress him up!))
****
Two Guys, a Girl, and a Flying Bison
BF: Ha, it's like the sitcom, only without the annoying laughtrack...
Prologue - The Legend of the Avatar
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, there lived a Jedi named Obi Wan Kenobi. Sadly, he has nothing to do with this story.
BF: He was too busy bitching at the screenwriters of the Star Wars prequels to have the time to show up...
Not too long ago, on a planet not so far away
BF: ...was a not-so-sane fic...
there dwelled four elemental races: the Water Tribe, Earth Kingdom, Fire Nation, and Air Nomads. Each race controlled their own native element: the Water Tribe, water; the Fire Nation, fire, and so on and so forth.
BF: You know. Hence the names.
As with every great world, these four races needed help to keep the peace.
BF: (announcer) Tonight on COPS!
This was the job of the Avatar, the one would could master all four elements. Born into one of the four races, the Avatar trains their entire life, working to fulfill their destiny of mastering all four elements.
The last Avatar was a young Airbender by the name of Aang. At only twelve years old, Aang had already mastered the art of Airbending. But when the world needed him the most, he vanished.
BF: (World) He stood us up!
One hundred years later, Aang was discovered by a spunky Waterbender named Katara,
BF: (narrator) But who is not nearly as spunky as my prologue!
and her warrior brother, Sokka; the three build a very strong friendship.
BF: (Dinobanoids) Fullllll onnnnn FRIENDSHIP!
With the aid and guidance of Katara and Sokka, Aang has set out to master all four bending skills. But with the foreboding shadow of Prince Zuko,
BF: (Zuko) Ha! See? It's a bunny!
the banished and slightly sociopathic Firebender, Aang sure does have his hands full!
BF: (dryly) ...of Katara, if this fic is going where I think it is...
Alas, prologues are very boring, aren't they?
BF: Stan likes to make hers *spicy*!
I tried to add a bit of humor.
BF: I *thought* this fic tasted kinda funny!
Tune in next time for Chapter 1 - Why do Birds Suddenly Appear? Review and suggestions are welcomed! May the force be with you!
BF: (attempts to scroll down the fic with the force) It's not working!
SUGGESTION TOPIC: Do you think I should kill off anyone - main character, supporting character, random ne'er-do-well, OC?
BF: How about the guy who ratted Haru? C'mon, we all know he has it coming!
***
Two Guys, a Girl, and a Flying Bison
With Katara's and Sokka's help, Aang is well on his way in mastering
BF: Breakdancing!
all four bending skills, but as Aang's heart yearns for
BF: A beanie! It's cold without hair!
Katara, he finds himself focusing on nothing but her! Meanwhile, Prince Zuko puts aside his search for the last Airbender in order to save his father's kingdom from the dictating Commander Zhao.
BF: (laughs) Because Ozai couldn't TOTALLY stomp Zhao's sorry ass into the ground!
Will Aang's feelings for Katara conflict with his destiny to be the Avatar? Will Prince Zuko be able to save his father's kingdom and restore his royal status? AangxXxKatara, dare I say IrohxXxZhao, and a couple surprise pairings!
BF: *gags*... Iroh/Zhao...sweet Jesus NO! (Pauses) Surprise couples? Ohhhhh, GOD.
Chapter 1 - Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear? BF: (fearfully) Alfred's come for us!
"Oh Aang," Katara smiled and twirled her finger on Aang's head.
BF: As she quietly hummed the Mr. Clean jingle...
"You are so cute when you Airbend!" She started to trace the Air Monk Arrow tattoo on Aang's head. "It makes you look so sly, strong, and... EWW WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"
BF: HEY! No touching on the first date, Aang!
Aang woke up abruptly from a slap in the face by Sokka.
BF: (Sokka) It's *time* to Du-du-du-du-du-DUEL!
"Ew! Aang, geesh, keep your hands, AND YOUR MOUTH to yourself!" Sokka hollered.
BF: Where he had his mouth, I don't WANT to know!
He pushed the Airbender off of himself. "The last thing I need is getting caught with the freaking Avatar cuddling and drooling all over me!"
BF: (Sokka, in Zim voice) You smell like feet!
Sokka started to wipe the Aang drool off his shirt. "What were you dreaming about anyway?"
BF: (Aang) NOTHING EROTIC!
Aang's face turned the color of Prince Zuko's armor.
BF: (Sokka) Hey! Your face has turned a shade of "tyrannical red"!
He started to stammer. "Uh... n-nothing really exciting. You know, the usual: penguins and cheesecake."
BF: (Aang) Like I said, NOTHING EROTIC!
He put his hand on his head on slapped on the cheesiest grin you've ever seen.
BF: No, that belongs to Cheese-a-saurus Rex.
"Yeah, okay, whatever. Let's just wake up Katara and get going; we really need to find you two a Waterbending Master." Sokka was always complaining.
BF: Shikamaru IS Sokka in "Two Guys, A Girl, and a Flying Bison!"
Sure, he enjoyed Aang's company, traveling the world, kicking some Fire Nation booty,
BF: ...AND occasionally *getting* some...
but sometimes all Sokka ever wants is a nice, warm bath, and maybe a nice cup of tea. Is that too much to ask?
BF: Feh, you and your dreams about easy access to hot water! Dream on, Sokka!
Katara emerged from behind a couple of trees
BF: (Katara, bitterly) No more of Sokka's nuts...
with Appa, Aang's flying bison. As if she had read her brother's mind,
BF: She had a tea and bath ready!
she had completely packed up Appa, ready to venture to the North Pole Water Tribe. "C'mon you too!" Katara laughed. "We better wash up... Aang what are you starting at?"
BF: (Aang) Damn, Katara, what did you eat? Sokka's ruffage?
Aang would have blended in with any Firebender. "Uh...uh you have... sticks in your hair! Here! I'll get them out!" Aang ran up to Katara and pretended to pull
BF: ...and eat...
random things out of her hair. He stepped back and smiled. "There, you're perfect!"
BF: Lice free is the only way for me!
"Eh, c'mon you two lovebirds, we need to get moving!" Sokka grabbed a towel and headed down to the nearby stream, leaving Katara and Aang having a blushing battle.
BF: (Katara) HA! I'm SEVERAL shades darker than Firebender armor!
(Aang) Dang!
What's wrong with me? Katara thought to herself. I never act this weird in front of guys.
BF: *coughjetcough*...
She started walking down to the stream. There is just something about
BF: Mary?
Aang. She glanced back at the Avatar, watching his chase Momo around Appa. He's so... childish, but there is something about him... something that makes him... seemed like a man!"
BF: (Katara, dreamily) It's definitely in his pre-pubescent voice...and the way he plays with his food...
"Oh Momo," sighed Aang. "Isn't Katara great?" Momo the lemur nodded and squeak in agreement. Aang sighed again and watched Katara make her way to the stream with Sokka. "I think she sees me more as an annoying little brother than a... boyfriend." Momo cocked
BF: his gun, threatening to shoot Aang if his leechee nut demands were not met!
his head and squeaked again. "You're right Momo!" Aang stood up and started flexing his muscles. "Grr! I am
BF: WOMAN! Hear me roar!
the great Avatar! I will defeat my enemies and save the world! And I'll be a great powerful
BF: OZ!
dude, and..." He plopped back down on the ground. "And Katara will still treat me as her little brother."
Oh great, what if they get married? Sokka splashed some water in his face.
BF: (Sokka) That would almost be like incest!
They'll have a bunch of weird little bald kids with a fetish for ridding giant dangerous fish. And Katara will forget all about me.
BF: Judging from the prospective kids, I'd consider that a blessing...
He look down the stream and watched Katara washed her face. I'm just going to have to accept the fact that... that Katara is growing up.
BF: (Katara, annoyed) I told you, I don't need sippy-cups anymore!
Sokka stood up and stared at his reflection in the water. Grr! I am the great warrior Sokka! I will defeat my enemies and save the world! And I'll be a great powerful dude, and...
BF: ...say many cheesy lines!
He threw a rock at his reflection. And Katara will still forget all about me.
A little while later, the trio finally set off on Appa to the North Pole Water Tribe. As the day ventured on, and the latitude got higher and higher, the temperature dropped dramatically.
BF: Hey Katara! Has the temperature dropped?
(Katara, checking nipples) Dramatically!
"Sokka!" Aang screamed over the roar of the winds around them. "Sokka! There is something I have to tell you!"
BF: (Aang) There's a tag sticking out the back of your shirt!
Oh no! Sokka thought. He's going to declare his love for
BF: Me!
Katara, and ask if he can marry her, and get all mushy and starry eyed and start drooling again.
BF: (Sokka) And my shirt will get all soggy...
Sokka tried to ignore Aang, concentrating on the roaring winds that seemed to be getting worse.
BF: Hey, how come Aang isn't doing his part to lessen the winds? Slacker!
"Sokka!" Aang was getting anxious. "Sokka, listen! Sok-" Aang was hit by a big chunk of ice
BF: (Captain of Titanic) I tell you, those bastards come from NOWHERE!
and flew backwards towards Sokka. "Aisu Arashi..." Aang passed out. Sokka looked at Aang bewildered. "Asoo a whatie? Wait... Aisu Ara...
Sokka reached over and pulled Aang underneath him. Keep them safe, keep them safe.
BF: As he smothered them under his weight...
Sokka's thoughts were a broken record.
BF: Sorta like Mojo Jojo...
Keep Katara safe. Keep Aang safe. Keep them safe. He grimaced in pain as ice shard after ice shard cut his back.
BF: That's it, Tomite! You're getting an ASS-WHOOPING for giving Sokka crap!
OW! Oh what I wouldn't do for a nice warm bath and some tea!
BF: (Sokka) Or to get out of this rough fic!
He pulled his strong arms around Aang and Katara tighter. Keep them safe. Keep them safe.
BF: (Gandalf) Sokka! Keep them secret! Keep them safe!
Oh, don't you just LOVE cliffhangers?
BF: O_<
Will Sokka keep Aang and Katara safe?
BF: I dunno...did he say the chant enough?
Will Aang be alright? Tune in next time! Watch out for Chapter 2 - A Man's Addiction to Tea.Reviews and suggestions are welcomed!
SUGGESTION TOPIC: Who would you like to see Sokka hook up with - Suki, an OC, or no one?
BF: Heh...I know who the SoZu fans have in mind...
***
Chapter 2 - A Man's Addiction to Tea
BF: Yeah, I think we'd ALL like to know what "tea leaves" Iroh uses...
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE LOST TRACK OF THE AVATAR AGAIN!" Prince Zuko screamed.
BF: Remember, try to use small words around Zuko. Nothing more than two syllables.
"WE DON'T LOSE TRACK OF THE AVATAR!" He grabbed the Firebender by the shoulders and stared him cold in the eyes.
BF: (Zuko) Goddammit, Diana, don't PLAY with me like this!
"YOU LOSE TRACK OF THE AVATAR!"
BF: (Zuko): *ME* NO SPEAK IN PROPER TENSE!
Zuko smirked at the man and shoved him off the Fire Nation ship and into the water. "Throw the coward a tube before he drowns in his own failure." With a swish of his cloak, Zuko stomped off to the lower deck.
BF: Been taking a leaf out of the Warden's book, eh Zuko?
Imbecile! Prince Zuko thought. How can he lose track of the Avatar? That's the only job he has on this ship!
BF: (Zuko) THAT, and scrubbing the toilets...
Zuko's hands starting heating up with the fiery temper inside of him.
BF: (Zuko) And he does a crappy job at that, too! I can see the freakin' rings of SATURN in those bowls!
We must capture the Avatar. I must capture the Avatar! Zuko was stopped abruptly by one of the ship's guard.
BF: (Zuko) I appoint YOU the new toilet-swabber! Failure to make them shine will cost you to be thrown overboard!
"Prince Zuko," the guard said. "Prince Iroh has request your presence immediately. His highness says that it is very urgent." The guard bowed and returned to his duties.
BF: ...as toilet-swabber.
Zuko frowned in worry and made his way to Prince Iroh's quarters.
BF: His uncle's recently acquired love for wearing only revealing loinclothes made him leery to enter...
"Uncle, one of the guards sent me, what is wrong?" Zuko asked anxiously.
BF: (Zuko) I mean, *besides* this entire plotline?
Concern clouded his face; Zuko loved his Uncle, as he was the only family he had now.
Uncle Iroh's face was stern and cold; it was a very unusual countenance for him.
BF: Usually he was stoned off his ass...
"I just saw that young boy, Tomo; he was soaking wet. The guards said that you threw him into the ocean." Iroh's stone gaze burned into Prince Zuko.
BF: (Zuko) Ack! His gaze...it burns like *stone*! ...wait.
"Uncle, he lost track of the Avatar," Zuko pleaded. "That is NOT acceptable on my ship!"
BF: (Zuko) Plus all that kabuki he wears...not to mention that funny little CLAM he carries...what's up with that?
SLAM.
BF: POW! WHAP! Batman gives those thugs another sound beating!
Iroh had punched his fist down on the table that separated himself and Zuko.
BF: (Iroh) I'd give you a piece of my mind if this table wasn't holding me back!
"First of all, this is not your ship, it is my ship. Your ship was destroyed.
BF: (Iroh) R-E-S-P-E-C-T, biotch!
Second of all, you can't go throwing random people in the water! You're going to hurt the fish!"
BF: Good to see SOMEBODY'S got their priorities in check!
Iroh's face was beet red.
BF: He's drunk, isn't he?
"That temper of yours need to be controlled and you will never learn to control it unless you start showing some compassion towards people!"
BF: You mean like how Iroh is right now?
Zuko felt like a helpless child.
BF: His "huggies" were *much* too tight!
He shallowed the lump in his throat and clenched his fists, desperate to control the sparks that were flying about. "Uncle," Zuko said as calmly as he physically could. "I do not have an 'anger' problem."
BF: Heh, that's *Katara* right there!
(Katata) T_T You say something?
(BF) Eep! No!
"Don't have an anger problem!" laughed Iroh sardonically. "Where do you think that scar came from Zuko? Making cookies!"
BF: Zuko grimly remembered the "Gingerbread Incident"...
He flopped down in the chair, completely exhausted.
BF: (Iroh) Verbally abusing your nephew can really take it out of you!
Oh, by the stars! Iroh thought. No wonder Ozar got gray hairs so early in life; hollering is quite a tiring thing!
BF: His brother, OZAI, however, had quite a full head of nice, rich, dark hair.
"Uncle!" Zuko grabbed a 'properly placed' towel and rush to the old man's aid. He started patting Iroh's sweat-drenched head with the towel.
BF: (Zuko) Now, uncle, wrap this around your waist. Really, I can't stand to look anymore...
"Prince Zuko, I apologize." Iroh stood up, having regained his kindly nature again. "Something... troubles me...
BF: (Iroh) ...blasted menopause!
it's about Lord Ozar."
BF: Hmm. Must be how they spell "Ozai" in France...
The candles in the room shot up into the air as the words "Lord Ozar" passed through Zuko's ears. "What happened to my father?" he demanded.
Iroh reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a piece of parchment. It had the Fire Nation seal on it."Here," he said. "Read this."
BF: (Zuko, shocked) I may have already been a winner?!
Zuko took the letter and started pacing the room:
"My dearest Prince Iroh,
BF: (Letter) "I'm having trouble figuring out if my sweetheart really loves me or not. He always acts so cold to me. Any advice? -Frustrated in Fire Nation
I am sorry to inform you that your oh so powerful brother, His Highness, Lord Ozar, has been
BF: Jailed for lewd conduct. Again.
taken prisoner by me. Considering that the fool disowned his only son, I find it right that he should be replaced by none other than
BF: The son he so foolishly disowned?
myself. Those nice red robes to be quite comfortable, no?
BF: (Iroh) Actually, it's a bit tight across the waist...
I hope to see you soon, as I would like you to have the pleasure of seeing me kill Ozar.
BF: I imagine there are LOTS of people who'd like to see that. 90% Zuko fangirls.
Why not bring Zuko along? He can follow in daddy's footsteps like he has always dreamed of doing!
BF: (Zuko) *I* wanna wear a cool, spiky flame-shaped hair-pin when *I* grow up!
Sincerely yours,
Commander
BF: Froot Loop.
Zhao
Post Script - I do hope that you enjoy the tea leaves that I have enclosed."
BF: (Zhao) As well as all the ever-so-lovely pictures I took of my vacation this spring! Cheerio!
Zuko stared off distantly, the letter clenched in his hands. "Ready the rhinos, Uncle. We're going
BF: Crazy?
home."
BF: Close guess.
Man, I really like cliffhangers, don't I? laughs maniacally Will Zuko and Iroh be able to save Lord Ozar, and will Lord Ozar actually accept their help?
BF: (Ozai) No, I'd much rather prefer to stay in this prison and rot my ass off, thankyouverymuch.
And what has happened to our trio of heroes? Tune in next time for Chapter 3 - A Warrior with a Cause and a Mohawk. Reviews and suggestions are always welcomed! I would like to apologize for Uncle Iroh being way out of character.
BF: AND for totally neutering Zhao!
I really don't know what he is like when he is extremely mad and worry. Even the nicest of people have their breakdowns, right?
Also, I apologize for the first few chapters being a bit more dramatic. I promise that things will lighten up. You all know how it is; you need to put some facts out.
BF: (Police Officer) Jess da facts, ma'am!
SUGESSTION TOPICS: Who would you like to see Sokka hook up with - Suki, an OC, or no one?
BF: ME. X3
***
Chapter 3 - A Warrior with a Cause and a Mohawk
"Sokka! Sokka! Wake up!" Sokka opened his eyes in a daze and started unfocused at the pair of blue eyes in front of him.
BF: (Katara) This fic! It was all just a bad dream!
"Eh, Katara, give me ten more minutes. I'll go catch some tori Author Note: I looked it up, and hopefully 'tori' means 'bird.' later."
BF: (Sokka) Whatever! I don't care WHAT it's called, as long as it tastes good and fills me up!
Sokka whined drowsily. He tried to sit up, but his whole upper body trembled with pain. "Ow, what the hell happened to me?" Sokka's eyes became more focused and he gazed around. "OH MY GOD AND WHY AM I NAKED!"
BF: Holy shit, it's like a Fushigi Yugi episode!
He jumped to his feet despite all the spearing pain and grabbed a 'properly placed' towel to wrap around himself. "KATARA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!"
BF: All these 'properly placed' towels are starting to worry me...
"Shh! Sokka, calm down!" Katara pleaded. "You need to rest, you've been through a lot."
"Wait, what?" Sokka asked bewildered. "What have I been through?"
BF: (Sokka) DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR?!
He looked at Katara and noticed several tiny cuts on her forehead. Hold on, Sokka thought. Those cuts... think Sokka, think! He scrunched up his face and scratched his head.
BF: C'mon, you can do it...
Eh, screw this; think is too damn hard. Wait, hard? Ice is hard!
BF: (Sokka) My head is hard too!
(BF) Keep going...
"The Aisu Arashi!" Sokka exclaimed.
BF: Very good, Sokka! (Gives biscuit)
The broken record started playing in his head again. Keep them safe. Keep them safe.
BF: Ahhh, not THAT again!
He touched Katara's face. "Are you alright?"
Katara sighed in relief and smiled. "Oh Sokka! It's you we are worried about!" She reached over and handed Sokka a mirror that was on the table in the room they were in.
BF: (Katara, mystically) With this, you can see into the outside world...
"My cuts are nothing compared to yours!"
BF: (Katara, bleeding everywhere) 'Tis but a flesh wound!
Sokka gazed into the mirror. Cut after slash after scar covered his face. His torso wasn't that badly injured, but Sokka didn't dare look at his back.
BF: (Sokka) Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who's got the most bitchin' build in the land?
(Mirror) Prince Zuko.
(Sokka) You know, I think seven years of bad luck might just be worth it...
He put the mirror down and looked at Katara. "I guess that was a rough storm."
Katara giggled and threw her arms around her brother's neck. She kissed him on the cheek. "Thanks for saving us." (Author Note: Aww, isn't that so sweet?)
BF: Any sweeter and it'll give me a toothache!
Sokka blushed profusely.
BF: Booter rolled her eyes profusely.
He sat patiently as Katara attended to his wounds, with the occasional "Ow!" or "Damnit I really don't like ice."
BF: Nevermind the fact that he's *lived* in ice his whole life!
After he was all bandaged up and dress,
BF: (Sokka, twirling dress) Does it make my thighs look too chunky?
Sokka finally remembered something. "Oh geesh, Katara!" He said. "Aang!" Is he alright? He passed out, didn't he?"
BF: (Sokka) I mean, he had a LOT of tequila last night...
Katara laughed. "He's been having a blast in the marketplace all day with Momo."
BF: (Sokka) Wow, that little guy is a party ANIMAL!
"Marketplace?" Sokka asked. "Where the hell are we?"
Katara took Sokka's hand and led him out of the room. "Welcome to the North Pole, Sokka!"
BF: (Katara, gravely) But I'm going to tell you now...glomping Santa is NOT ALLOWED. Aang found out the hard way...*shudder*
"Welcome to our city, Avatar!" Two guards opened the temple door as Aang, Katara, and Sokka walked in to greet the High Priest of the North Pole, Brother
BF: Blood?
Sou. "We do hope that you enjoy your stay here. With a clap of his hands,
BF: All the lights turned off!
(Aang) Neat!
Sou summoned servants with platters upon platters covered with food.
Sokka's jaw dropped to the floor and his knees started to tremble. Aang jumped into the air with a "woop!" Even Katara's stomach growled.
BF: Although she wasn't as hungry as Sokka or Aang-she had been secretly sneaking pretzel bits the past two days while neither was looking...
Brother Sou motioned for them to sit down. Immediately, the trio dove into the food.
BF: Earning a 10.0 score from the judges. Except for the Russian one. He's just spiteful.
"Sof," said Sokka through a mouth full of tori. "Ow deed yo feend uf?"
BF: (Sou) Damn tourists...I can't understand their country accents!
"How did I find you?" Sou asked. "Well, it's more like how did you find us!" He patted Aang on the back.
BF: (Sou) Spit it out. Silverware is not to be eaten..
"It seems like your bison, Aang, remembered how to get here."
BF: Appa went on vacation to the North Pole with his cousins some years ago to see a N*SYNC concert!
Aang smiled widely, letting pieces of potatoes fly from his mouth. "Welf, Appa ish smar en ee can wifstan preffy tuff weafer!"
BF: (Ren) You deees-GUST meee!
"After Appa arrived here," Sou continued, "We saw that the three of you were unconscious." he looked at Sokka. "It seems that you covered these two with your body, did you not?"
Sokka blushed slightly and tried to play it cool. "Yeah, well a warrior's got to do what a warrior's got to do!" He leaned back in his chair, lost his balance, and fell to the ground.
BF: Sokka: SMOOTH OPERATOR.
The High Priest bellowed a loud laugh, like a roar from a lion.
BF: Or a fart from an elephant.
His large belly shook in rhythm with his laughing.
BF: (Aang) @_@ Oh, it's so hypnotic....uuuuuuu....
"Yes, and we are very grateful that you have protected the Avatar and this fine young Waterbender. That is why..." Sou rose from his seat and raised his goblet. "...we wish to appoint you as a Master Warrior of the Water Tribe!"
BF: (Sokka) What'chu talkin' 'bout, Sou?
Aang and Katara stood up and raised their cups. "To the Master Warrior!"
BF: (Sokka) Sooooo, this 'Master Warrior' thing...does it include mud-wrestling with scantily clad women?
After the banquet, Sou led the trio out into the ceremonial gardens by the North Pole Temple. A mysterious blue fire flicked in the fire pit. Sou handed Aang and Katara matching blue robes.
BF: Awww, it's cute when couples match...*GAG*!
They had the Water Tribe insignia threaded in sliver on the breast and the back. The High Priest attempted to put one of himself, but failed horribly. "Oh goodness, I need to cut down on the sweets, don't I?"
BF: That scene disturbed me so much, I can't even think of a joke!
He draped the robe over his shoulders and handed Sokka a milk white shaw. Strangely, the shaw seemed a bit heavy. Sokka took off his shirt
BF: Yay!
and put the shaw on.
BF: Boo.
He gulped, and stood firm, ready to
BF: Bolt at the first opportunity.
begin the ceremony.
Brother Sou raised his hands and the blue fire left the pit and started whirling around Sokka.
BF: (Sokka) Ack! He's a firebender! (Grabs spear and stabs Sou)
(Author Note: This next part sounds like a wedding. Sorry! -laughs and blushes-)
BF: T_T;;;
"Do you, Sokka of the South Pole, pledge to
BF: Sell three dozen boxes of these cookies by the end of the week?
bring order to the four elemental races?
"I do."
"To protect the Avatar, even if it means dying for him?"
Sokka started at his feet and took a deep breath. "I do."
BF: (Sou) To have, like, the hawtest sex *evah* with him when the author deems appropriate?
(Sokka) I do...waitagoddamnminute!
"To represent the Water Tribe in a respectable manner, despite
BF: The bad writing?
persecution?"
Sokka raised his chin and looked Brother Sou directly in the eyes. He nodded. "I do."
Sou lowered his hands and the fire started to quickly swirl around Sokka. The milk white shaw tightened on his body.
BF: Ooooh, I HATE it when my clothes shrink in the dryer TOO!
It formed into vest and started glowing.
BF: (Sokka) Uh, should I be worried about getting cancer now?
The blue flames entered the center of the vest, forming the Water Tribe insignia.
BF: Wait, so the Water Tribe uses FIRE as part of it's Master Warrior ritual? So what are things like for the people of the Fire Nation?
(Zuko) Dammit, uncle, is it really necessary that I stand under this waterfall for an HOUR before I can become a Master Warrior? This water is freezing!
(Iroh, clicking away pictures for "Zuko Calender" he plans to sell on E-bay) Absolutely.
The High Priest bowed. "Congratulations, Master Warrior Sokka of the South Pole." Sou smiled and clapped one of his thick hands on Sokka's shoulder. "That vest is an ancient Water Tribe form of chain mail. NOTHING, not fire, not metal, not stone, can penetrate it."
BF: (Sokka) Sooooo....HOW do I get this thing OFF?
"What is it made of?" asked Sokka.
"Actually, I have no idea." replied Sou.
BF: Sou: Proof that wisdom DOESN'T always come with age or status!
"I doubt that anyone does; all I know is that it is not edible." He winked.
BF: Well, as long as we're clear on the edibility part...
"Woah, cool!" Sokka smiled proudly and patted the vest, feeling
BF: ...his perky nipples.
its strength surge through his body. "Sokka, the Master Warrior!"
The next day, Brother Sou conferenced with Aang and Katara. The two were anxious to
BF: Escape
start their Waterbending training.
"Mastering Waterbending is no easy task." Sou paced the room, frowning. "Not only do you have to get the hang of the actual Waterbending itself, but you are also required to go through the Temple Trial before you begin bending anything."
BF: (Katara, grumbling) I hate all this red tape.
"A Temple Trial?" said Aang. "That's going to be a piece of cake! Nothing can be tougher than one of Boomy's challenges.
BF: (Aang) Except *Bumi's* challenges...those were nearly impossible!
"This is no ordinary trial, Aang." said the High Priest. "You see, the Water Tribe spirits are the ones who decide who can become a Master Waterbender; they live in the North Pole Temple."
BF: Making shoes and small toys...
He picked up a glass. "Imagine your Waterbending skills as this glass." He motioned to the water pitcher. "All the skills that you are physically able to learn are this pitcher of water." He poured the remains of the pitcher into the glass, filling it halfway. "You see? All the power you have can only bring you to a certain point in your training as a Waterbender. No matter how much harder you train, you will not advance any further. When you complete the Temple Trial, the Water Tribe spirits fill up your pitcher again, thus enabling you to fill up your glass until it overflows!"
BF: (Aang, squirming) I really gotta take a pee now!
"And then we will have master Waterbending." Katara finished.
"Yes." replied Sou with a smile. "Now are you two ready to face the Temple Trials?"
Aang and Katara looked at each other and nodded. They followed Sou to the entrance to the North Pole Temple.
"Aang!" gasped Katara. "That is the same design that is on my mother's necklace!"
BF: (Katara) I'm gunna sue those dogs for copyright infringement!
She clutched her hand to her heart, wishing she
BF: had changed her underwear.
had not lost that necklace on the prison steamer those few months ago.
Aww man, guys, I really am the queen of cliffhangers, aren't I? Watch out for the next installment, Zhao's One True Love.
BF: AHHHHHHHHHHH!
Reviews and suggestions are always loved!
Didn't Sokka KICK SOME ASS in these past few chapters?
BF: Well, he did make a pretty good meat-shield.
And now he is the MASTER WARRIOR! -cue corny trumpet music-
BF: The music fits the title! =P
SUGGESTION TOPIC: Who do you think I should kill off - a main character, supporting character, or an OC?
BF: Zhao. Before things get any worse.
***
Chapter 4 - Zhao's One True Love
BF: Dammit...*shudders*
"You know, Prince Zuko," said Prince Iroh. "I've always been quite fond of rhinos."
BF: As he remembered his night of forbidden love...
He patted the rhino he was riding. "They are such strong, yet mildly mannered creatures."
BF: There is NOTHING mild about kimodo rhinos... except intelligence.
Prince Zuko barked a laugh underneath his helmet. "Yes, Uncle they are quite... nice... creatures..."
BF: (Zuko, thinking) That's right, humor the old fool...soon I'll have his fortune to myself!
He trailed off as the looming towers of the Fire Nation Temple came into view.
Considering that the fool disowned his own son, I find it right that he should be replaced by none other than myself. The words of Commander Zhao's letter kept replaying in Prince Zuko's mind.
BF: (Zuko) Dangit...my thoughts are skipping again...wait...okay, there we go.
That bastard! Zuko thought. How DARE he try to overpower my father!
BF: (Zuko, thinking) That's MY job!
Iroh gazed over at Zuko. He can follow in daddy's footsteps. His face wrinkled up in worry.
BF: They have creams for that...
Zuko, you are far too proud. Why is approval so important to you? Why must you kill in order to win your father's favor?
BF: (Iroh, thinking) Just get him a tie for Christmas, and call it squarsies!
They arrived at the gate entrance to the great Capital City of the Fire Nation. The guards opened the gates, and the ramble of rhinos entered. Iroh and Zuko led their army as they rode to the Lord's Palace.
"What the!" Zuko choked. He gazed in horror at a statue of his father;
BF: NAKED!
it was knocked off its pedestal and laid in pieces on the street.
BF: NAKED!
He shut his eyes painfully and strode on into the palace. Commander Zhao stood at its entrance.
"Welcome to the Zingy Zangy Land of Zhao!" Commander Zhao raised his arms and smiled sarcastically. "May all your dreams come true."
BF: Willy Wonka plays "Zhao" in "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Flying Bison"!
Zuko raised an eyebrow and Iroh coughed loudly.
"What, too much?"
BF: Uh...too fruity.
(Zhao, thinking) Maybe I should reconsider bringing out the Oompa Loompas....
Iroh dismounted his rhino and approached Zhao. "We have come to compromise the Fire Nation's current situation, Commander Zhao."
"Yes, of course, Iroh." Zhao smirked and crossed his arms. "In the meantime, you will get the royalist of treatment!"
"And Ginseng tea?"
BF: (Iroh, on edge) Daddy needs his medicine!
"Certainly."
Prince Zuko leaned on the balcony railing of his and his uncle's room. He gazed out, watching the people
BF: (Zuko, singing) Out there! Where they all live unaware...what I'd give...what'd I dare...just to live one day out there!
in the bustling city go about their daily lives. The fools! thought he. They have no idea
BF: Mark Hamill voices Lord Ozai!
that their kingdom is falling apart. Their lord needs them! Their prince needs them! He reached inside of his armor and pulled out a little necklace. Zuko was quite fond of the necklace.
BF: Many a time he wore the jewelry piece...when he needed to feel a little...'special'.
The stone was very smooth and it sparkled like the ocean water. Zuko started rolling the stone around in his hands. He fell into a state of nostalgia, remembering the smooth feel of his mother's silkworm robes -
BF: Which he often wore along with the necklace...
"Prince Zuko!" Iroh appeared on the balcony.
BF: Magically.
(Jasmine) How did you...do that?
(Aladdin) Magic carpet. You wanna go for a ride?
Zuko hastily shoved the necklace back inside
BF: his pants!
of his armor.
BF: Oh. -_-
"Prince Zuko, we need to talk about saving your father."
Zuko smirked. "Uncle! You're never the one who does the planning!
BF: (Zuko, condescending) You're far too old and stupid for that, uncle!
What have you in mind?"
Iroh put down the cup of tea he was holding and whipped out a piece of parchment; it was a map of the entire palace.
BF: Tea? Parchment? Apparently Iroh doesn't just keep lotus tiles in his huge sleeves!
Zuko's jaw dropped. "Wh-where the hell did you get that from!"
BF: That's what *we're* askin', buddy!
Iroh chuckled. "When your father and I were children, we were always sneaking into the kitchen to steal sweets. We plotted out the entire palace, knowing where each guard was at each part of the day.
BF: (Iroh, proudly) I call it the Marauder's Map!
"Are you think about freeing my father from his jail cell?" asked Zuko.
"Yes," Iroh replied. "However, we need to get the keys to his cell first."
"And Zhao has them?"
"Precisely." Iroh drank the last gulp of his tea and motioned for Zuko to follow him to the dresser in their room. Iroh open it up, revealing several ceremonial robes for women.
BF: (Zuko, shrieking) Uncle! It's not what you think!
Zuko cocked an eyebrow. "Uncle how will a bunch of dressings help us?"
Iroh bursted into a fit of chuckles. "Prince Zuko, I have known Commander Zhao since he was your age; that man is an extremely love-stricken womanizer. I plan on dressing up as a woman and stealing the keys from him."
BF: GAAAAAAAAAH!!!11tehone
(Kurtz) The horror...the *horror*...
Zuko sighed angrily. "Uncle, you can't get any more foolish! If your beard doesn't give you away, then surely your voice will!"
BF: SEE?! Even Zuko knows this is nuts!
Iroh chuckled again. "You have much to learn about full grown men's feelings, nephew.
BF: Uhhh...and I don't think he WANTS to learn...
For Commander Zhao, as long as the woman has a plus size bust, then he will chase after her, no matter how ugly or manly she (or in my case, he) may be."
BF: Translation: Zhao's a horny dog.
"'Plus size bust?'"
Iroh smiled and pulled out two large melons from behind the dresser.
BF: Um, Iroh, I SAW you in "Winter Solstice, Part 1"...and I gotta say...I don't think you really NEED 'em...*coughcough*
"I wish you luck, Uncle." said Zuko with a small smile. He laughed as the old man waddled from the room, dressed in a vibrant pink robe, his hair put in pigtails, and layers upon layers of white and red makeup piled on his face. Iroh adjusted the melons that were inside his shirt, nodded to Zuko, and with a flip of his fan, set down the hallways to Commander Zhao's chamber.
BF: MY EYES! THEY BLEED!! TT_TT Oh, ye gods, that is something I never wanted to see... Dammit, Stan, how could you DO this to me? And Iroh! What has he ever done to deserve this?
"Remember, nephew." Iroh called behind him. "If you heard any commotion,
BF: (Iroh) That means me and Zhao are GETTING IT *ON*!
get as fast out of here as you possibly can!"
BF: No shit!
A little while later, Iroh arrived at Zhao's room. Oh, the things I do for my family! He fluttered his fan and knocked on the door.
BF: -_-;
"Yes, yes, what -" Commander Zhao opened the door. "Why hello there, miss. How may I assist you?"
BF: -_-;;
Iroh cleared his throat, and in the highest voice physically possibly, said "Oh, hello there! Are you the strong Fire Nation general that I've heard so much about?"
BF: -_-;;;;
Zhao leaned against the doorway arch, flexing his muscles. "Why, yes, indeed I am."
BF: -_-;;;;;;;;;
Iroh enter the room and started to swing his hips about. "I also hear that you are a very powerful Firebender." He fluttered the fan and batted his eyes at Zhao.
BF: (GAGS)
Zhao put his hands in the air and snapped his fingers, sending sparks of flames into the air. "I'll light your fires any day!" He smiled pervertedly and gazed at Iroh's melon chest.
BF: (Zhao) I like your melons, baby!
(Iroh, nervously) Ummm...
Iroh laughed a girly giggle. "I hope you do!" He tickled Zhao's beard. Oh by the stars, what have I gotten myself into? "I've been yearning to meet you.
BF: (Iroh, thinking miserably) I've been *yearning* to leave...
"Meow!" Zhao grabbed Iroh by the waist and led him into his room. The key! Iroh thought. He saw it dangling from a ring of keys on Zhao's belt.
BF: Oh, I can see where this is going...(looks for something to gouge out eyes with)
"So tell me more of how much you adore me, oh femme fatale." Author Note: Yes, I know French. Deal with it. -winks-
BF: Stop trying to woo us with French, Stan! Nothing can salvage this scene, not even the language of looove.
Iroh fanned himself; he was starting to sweat.
BF: Yeah, he's sweat, wet, got it goin' like a turbo 'Vette!
"Oh, where do I begin?"
BF: Please don't.
He started pacing the room, his focused on the ring of keys on Zhao's belt. You're so strong and handsome. You command the Fire Nation armies with such FORCE. And-" He grabbed for the keys. "You have a nice ass."
BF: Heeey! No fair! I wanna touchy too!
Iroh hid the keys behind the fan and waddled out of the room. "Farewell, Commander."
BF: That scene had all the ickiness of the Jasmine/Jafar scene, except *this* time, Jasmine was a fat, hairy man!
Zhao darted after him. "Wait my love! I do no even know your name!" Iroh cursed to himself and turned around. I can't believe I'm going to do this. He planted a big sloppy kiss right on Zhao's lips.
BF: (dry heaves)
"My name is Hori."
BF: Sounds like "whore". Pretty fitting, actually.
With that, Iroh disappeared, and Zhao was the happiest man in Capital City that night. (Author Note: Get your mind out of the gutter!
BF: Hey, if the shoe *fits*...
'Hori' is 'Iroh' backwards. Convenient, eh?)
BF: Sorry, I'm too busy reeling from the thought of Iroh in drag to appreciate its cleverness...
Zuko heard a click at the door and dashed to it, the stone necklace in his hand. He had been out on the balcony again.
BF: (Zuko, on balcony) I feel pretty, and witty, and gaaaay...
Iroh entered the room. "Prince Zuko," he smiled and handed his nephew the ring of keys.
Zuko's face broke into a large grin, one that was so big, it was awkward, as Zuko had not smiled like that in a long time.
BF: Such is the power of botox.
"I can't believe you did it!" Zuko was beaming. "Wait, why is your make-up smudged? You didn't-"
"Yup."
"With him?"
"Yup."
There was a short pause.
BF: (Zuko) YOU SLUT!
"Was it any good?"
"Eh, I can't complain."
BF: (Iroh) Except these women's panties really ride up...
Zuko laughed. I can't believe it!
BF: (Zuko) It's not butter!
We are actually going to save my father! He gazed at his smiling reflection in the polished surface of the stone necklace.
BF: (Zuko) Me like shiny things!
"What is that you have there?" asked Iroh as he cleaned the make-up off his face.
BF: Maybe he's born with it? Maybe it's Maybellene!
He looked at the necklace. "It is very beautiful. To whom does it belong?"
"I'm not quite sure," replied Zuko. "I found it a couple of months ago on that Earth Kingdom prison ship.
BF: (Zuko) I was expecting to find packs of cigarettes smuggled aboard, but not fine jewelry!
-gets stoned by reviewers- I know, I know, it's another cliffhanger.
BF: Actually, I think they're still upset over the Iroh crossdressing/seduction thing..
I CAN'T HELP IT. Will Katara get her necklace back? Will Zhao and Hori ever cross paths again?
BF: Egads, NO!
Watch out for Troubling Temple Trial Tunes. Reviews and suggestions are mightily loved!
You have to agree with me here; Iroh is THE COOLEST old dude. I wish he was my uncle.
BF: He'd probably have a lot less singe-marks if he were...
***
Chapter 5 - Troubling Temple Trial Tunes
"WHAT!" screamed Sokka. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN KATARA AND AANG JUST WENT INTO THE NORTH POLE TEMPLE?" He was hollering his head off at some random guard outside of the North Pole Palace.
BF: (random guard) Look, dude, I just *work* here!
"Sokka! What troubles you?" Brother Sou exited the palace in a hurry, interrupted by Sokka's screeching screams.
"WHAT TROUBLES ME! WHAT DO YOU THINK!" Sokka's face was bright red and steam was coming out of his ears. "MY SISTER JUST WENT INTO SOME WEIRD ASS TEMPLE WITH SOME WEIRD ASS AIRBENDER AND FOR ALL I FREAKING KNOW THEY ARE GOING TO COME OUT OF THERE WITH SOME WEIRD ASS CHILDREN!"
BF: (Sokka) AND I'M SAYING A WHOLE LOTTA WEIRD ASS SHIT, AND BEING PRETTY WEIRD ASS MYSELF!!!
Brother Sou shook his head. "Sokka, trust me, they will be fine in there; both Aang and Katara are very aware of the challenges that await them." He coughed. "And Aang is far too young to... 'get jiggy with it,' as you children call it."
BF: (cocks rifle) The next character that quotes a Will Smith song will be *shot*...
Sokka slumped down on the ground. "So much for the big ole 'Master Warrior' protecting his own kind."
BF: Yeah, it's kinda a useless title/position...like Vice President!
Katara gazed around the North Pole Temple in amazement. "Wow Aang, I never knew this place would be so beautiful!" Her gaze went on and on, as the Temple seemed to be as big as the North Pole itself.
Aang looked at his reflection in the polished surface of the statue of Avatar Roku. "Yeah, it sure is cool here."
BF: No pun intended.
The entire temple was decorated with the statues of the past Avatars, similar to the Air Nomads' temples. They spiraled up the sides of the walls, each different race being a different type of stone; the Water Tribe, sapphire; the Earth Kingdom, emerald; the Fire Nation, ruby; and the Air Nomads, crystal.
BF: Wow, pretty fancy compared to the *stone* statues in the Air Temples.
(Monk Gyatso, to other monks) Well, either we spend the rest of the budget on the Avatar statues, or the mini-golf course...
In the center of the temple was the design that was on the entrance, the same design that was on Katara's necklace.
Katara walked around the different statues, examining each one and running her hands over the smooth stone. "So Aang, you were each of this guys in a past life ri-"
Katara was interrupted by a series of clicking sounds; she had touched a trigger on a statue of a Water Tribe Avatar.
BF: Touching the crotch area of the statues was *forbidden*!
This statue, along with the rest of the Water Tribe Avatar statues, starting spinning rapidly, and the other statues sunk slowing in the floor. The spinning statues stop, and all their eyes started to glow bright blue. Suddenly, all the eyes stopped glowing.
BF: (Katara) What, is the party over?
Water soon poured out of them, quickly filling up the room.
BF: Aha. Because it's a WATER temple.
Aang grabbed Katara's arm and flew to the roof of the temple. "Katara, what the hell did you do!"
BF: (Katara, blushing) Well, you see...
He gazed frantically around, surveying the water-filled room; it was about three feet high. Aang placed Katara on top of one of the statues. "Stay here Katara, I have to figure out what the hell is happening."
BF: (laughing) Because Aang TOTALLY can't figure out they're about to be drowned from where he is...
Aang flew to the bottom of the temple and trenched through the water to the nearest statue; it was the one that had the trigger on it. "How do I turn you off?" He placed his hand on the statue's chest - nothing.
BF: Try twisting his nipples!
He tried blocking the water with his Airbending - nothing. Aang was getting frustrated. "You stupid statue! Stop peeing all over the place!"
BF: (Sou) I thought for sure we had all the statues potty trained!
The water was getting quite high now. Aang kick the statue, and suddenly, all the statues stopped gushing out water.
BF: *This* is why you need to buy Black & Decker. "Buy it for looks, buy it for life."
From atop one of the wall statues, Katara called, "Aang you did it!"
BF: Who'da thunk kicking the crap outta a *statue* was the key?
Aang looked up to see her cheering and waving her arms. He made his way to fly up to her, but was blocked by a huge wave of water. Katara gasped and tried to get off the statue. "Aang! Aang! Are you alri-AAHH!" The statue she was on starting spinning again, and it spunk in the ground; shortly after, the other statues followed suit.
BF: (First statue) Che. Copycats.
Aang recovered from the wave and look frantically around for Katara. "Katara, where are you!" He felt a tap on his shoulder and breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh thank goodness, Katara, I thought you were..." He turned around to see who the tapper was, and gulped. A huge 50 foot tall dragon made of a strange purplish-black water loomed threateningly over. Aang.
BF: This is what happens when you don't clean out your sceptic tanks regularly...
"Wait, you're not Katara!"
BF: *Nothing* gets past Aang!
The dragon roared and dove for Aang. Aang dodged the attack and flew above the monster. "Where is Katara!" he cried. The dragon stopped and roared a menacing laugh.
BF: (dragon, with SpongeBob voice) Da-hahahahahahha! Daa-hahahahahahaha!
It swirled around revealing the bottom of the temple again. Katara was trapped inside of a strange purplish-black bubble, clearly unconscious. The water filled back up and the monster roared again.
BF: (dragon) Gimme the Dragon Balls, yo!
Aang's tattoos and eyes started to glow. "You bastard," he breathed. "Let Katara go." He raised his arms. "NOW!" Currents of water started to swirl around Aang. He send it flying at the dragon, rapping it around the monster's throat.
BF: (Aang rapping) Yo dragon-that's hella shady!
Be polite-give back my lady!
Don't make me kick your butt
And go Avatar like w00t!!
It started flailing about, desperately trying to
BF: block out the sound of Aang rapping.
take over the water rope that was choking it. Author's Note: Heh heh, the dragon's has the T-Rex disease; its arms are too short!
BF: Making it extremely hard to flip Aang the bird.
Aang swirled up another current of water, but this time, swirled it around himself. He started spinning rapidly, and threw himself at the dragon, going straight through, and spilling the dragon into a thousand puddles of purplish-black water.
BF: (dragon) Crap. This isn't covered by my health benefits.
The water slowly began to drain out of the temple. Aang ran up to the bubble that Katara was in. He bang on the bubble.
BF: (Ricky Martin) He bang! He bang! Oooh oooh, he move, he move!
"Katara! Katara wake up! Katara, please!" The bubble broke, and Aang caught Katara.
BF: Several shards of the bubble piercing his back as he did so.
He gently laid her on the floor, letting a few tears fall down his cheeks. "Please, Katara, wake up!" Aang hung his head and stroked Katara's
BF: Bre-
(Katara) Don't even go there.
cheek. "Katara, I can Waterbend now," he said softly. "Just think, now we can team up and Waterbend Zuko right off his ship."
BF: Just beware of Iroh and his evil seductress skills...
The next part he said even softer. "And then we can be together." Aang let out a sob. "Oh please, Katara, wake up!" He closed his eyes and kissed Katara's forehead.
At that, Katara jerked awake.
BF: (Katara) GAH! It burns!
She looked around hazily, as her vision was blurred. She finally focused in on Aang, and smiled. "Aang," she whispered. "I heard you did some Waterbending."
BF: (Katara) I also heard some other voices, but I'll ignore them right now...
Aang laughed and hugged Katara tightly. "Oh gosh, Katara, I thought, I thought..." Katara hugged him back and kissed his cheek, causing Aang to turn bright
BF: Green?
pink.
BF: Poo.
"Thank you for saving me, Aang."
They both stood up and looked around the temple again. "Hey Katara, what is that!" Aang pointed to a strange door, one that had not been there before.
BF: It was in the shape of a Christmas Tree. Aang was told he could find the Big Red Lobster Man behind it...
The duo made their way to it, and gently pushed it open.
BF: (Mike the TV) Let's see what's behind door number ONE!
It closed and vanished behind them. Aang and Katara found themselves in a dark room.
BF: That's kinda a bad sign...
The only light came from the glowing statue of the same Water Tribe Avatar that had the trigger on him.
BF: Quite the troublesome piece of decor, isn't he?
Aang approached the statue cautiously. "I think I know who this is."
BF: (Aang) It's old man Jenkins!
He said. Katara walked up next to him. She examined the statue. The man was wearing the same blue ceremonial robe that Brother Sou had worn during Sokka's ceremony. His broad shoulders filled the robe well, and a pair of light blue training pants and boots wrapped around his sculpted legs.
BF: UNlike Sou...*shudders at memory*
He had a straight, noble nose, and piercing, steady eyes. He was a very handsome man.
BF: OMG, it's Hugo Weaving! XD~~~
"That's Avatar Rippa."
BF: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I wonder if HE got teased at school!
(School kids) Hey! Hey, Rippa-good-one! HAHAHA!
Aang said. He gazed admirably at the statue. "He was one of the great Avatars that ever lived. For a short while, he brought tranquility to the Fire Nation, and the four races actually liked each other."
BF: Or, at least, they didn't hate each other enough to commit genocide on one another.
Katara looked in amazement at Aang.
BF: (Katara) You're full of BULL!
Aang laughed and put his hand behind his head. "Monk Gyasto told me about him. According to legend, he first found out he was the Avatar when he was ten. He was about to get betrothed to an extremely ugly Earth Kingdom girl,
BF: Sure it wasn't Iroh?
when he raised up the ground around him and swore he wouldn't come out until the betrothal was broken."
BF: Or an Extreme Makeover was preformed.
"Ah, yes." said a voice behind them. "That girl was not that great to look at." Aang and Katara turned around to see Avatar Rippa himself standing before him.
BF: (Rippa) Ta-da! I am spooky, no?
"I do thank her though, as she was the one who helped me master Earthbending." He let out a chuckle. "I know now not to judge people by their looks."
BF: Just by how you can benefit from them.
He held out his hand, on which was a ring with the Earth Kingdom insignia on it. "What the legends don't say is that I later did marry that girl."
BF: Nice save, Shallow Hal.
Aang's mouth hung open. "Avatar Rippa!" He nudged Katara and they both bowed.
Rippa laughed again.
BF: (Rippa) Yes, worship me, mortals!
"Yes, I know, surprising, isn't it?"
BF: (Gaston) I'm just FULL of surprises!
He paced around his statue, frowning. "Hmm... is my ass really that large?"
BF: (shakes head) Just when I had gotten over his name, the author had to do *this*...
He shook his head and took from his robe a small clay jar.
BF: He must have huge sleeves like Iroh...if not, I don't wanna know where he had that thing stashed...
"I am the patron Avatar of the North Pole." He placed the jar in the hands of his statue. "It is my job," he continued, "to
BF: Make sure the merchandise is in order and the aisles are clean.
protect this temple, and the people who dwell in this place. He opened the clay jar. "I am also the keeper of the Water Tribe spirits."
BF: Rippa is the keeper of the Water Tribe Cheerleading Squad?
Several dozen tiny balls of blue light flew out of the clay jar.
BF: (Balls of light) SWEET FREEDOM!
Despite their size, they light the entire room. Two of them flew next to Avatar Rippa and started
BF: Buzzing around his head.
(Rippa, with newspaper) *Land*, you son of a...
forming into the shape of two people. One turned out to be a man - a past priest of the North Pole. The other was a woman -
BF: The pitch...
"Mom?" gasped Katara. The woman nodded her head smiling.
BF: The hit!
She put her hand out and touched
BF: Rippa's HUGE ass.
Katara's face; the touch was ice cold.
BF: (Katara) EEK! Mom!
The priest approached Aang and put his hand on
BF: Nnngh...must resist...Catholic priest jokes....cheap shot....
(Satan) Come on...you know you want to.
top of his head. The touches became warm,
BF: Resiiiiiist....
(Satan) Do it!
and Aang and Katara felt a current of energy surge through their bodies. The two sprits backed away and turned back into balls of blue light.
BF: That's it?
(Aang) You're leaving already? I thought what we had was special!
They, and the rest of the blue lights flew back into the
BF: (resists urge to put in perverted alternative) It's like this fic WANTS me to make it dirty!
shoulder. "Your mother was such a brave woman, Katara." he said. "She knew your destiny was tied to the Avatar, and she was willing to help in anyway possible."
BF: That being...?
Katara let out a sob. "Does that mean she'll be stuck as a Water Tribe spirit forever?"
Rippa sighed. He patted Katara's shoulder.
BF: (Rippa) Pretty much. No worries, I let her out of her jar once in a while to give her some fresh air and exercise...
"That, I do not know. It all depends on the fulfillment of Aang's destiny.
BF: I don't get it...what does Aang have to do with any of that?
(Katara) Whatever. Aang, you better not screw this up!
(Aang) Ulp!
He backed away from Katara and stood in front of his statue. "You two have both been accepted to become Master Waterbenders.
BF: Well, I guess it's better than being a Rave Master...
I'm sure Brother Sou can help you from here.
BF: (laughs and shakes head) That guy's about as helpful as a broken leg!
After all, he is my great great great great great great great great grandson!" Rippa winked and faded away in his statue.
BF: (dryly) I can see the family resemblance in character...
After Rippa left, the room was lit up again.
BF: Rippa really helps save on energy bills!
Aang and Katara found themselves at the entrance to the temple again. Aang put his hand on Katara's shoulder, as Katara was still a bit shaken.
BF: But not stirred!
"It's alright, Katara," he whispered. "She looking out for you." Katara turned to Aang and smiled. She took him into an embrace, but at the wrong time -
BF: (Aang, pouting) Oh, it's *always* the wrong time, isn't it?
"SEE BROTHER, SEE I TOLD YOU!" screamed Sokka. He galloped up to Aang and Katara
BF: With his trusty pair of coconuts!
and shoved his way between them. He started jumping up and down.
BF: Yeah. We're keeping Sokka on decaf.
"THEY PROBABLY DID ALL SORT OF WEIRD SHIT IN THERE. MY GOD, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW!" Sokka continued to jump up and down, and then finally passed out.
BF: (sardonically) Taking tabs from the Crazy Foaming Guy, I see.
Brother Sou approached and laughed his roaring lion
BF: Elephant fart!
laugh. He looked down at the passed out Sokka, then looked at Aang and Katara. "That boy has been a basket case since this morning. I'm surprised he didn't pass out sooner!"
BF: (Sou) Especially considering all the knock-out drug I slipped in his drink, hehe!
He put his arms around Aang and Katara led them into the city. "So when do you two want to start your training?"
BF: (Sou) The Cub Scouts is no easy ride!
That night, Sokka, Aang, and Katara were all invited to another feast,
BF: Another? They're going to start putting on the pounds before long!
this time, to celebrate Aang's and Katara's acceptance as Master Waterbenders. Sokka had finally calmed down,
BF: ...after several shots of morphine...
and was quite content with his heaping plate of tori and noodles.
BF: (Sokka) Heehee, I made a face out of my food!
(Sou, sourly) Stop playing and start eating, or no dessert
(Sokka, muttering) *You're* the one who ought to go without dessert...
Katara leaned in close to Aang. "Aang," she whispered. "Let's not tell Sokka about what happened in the temple, okay? I don't want to cause him anymore stress. Aang nodded his head in agreement.
BF: (Aang) Yeah, if he found out I got *fresh* with you, he'd freak out again!
Not that much of a cliffhanger this time, right? Any woo, tune in next time for A Man is Still Addicted to Tea.
BF: You know, Iroh, they have places where you can get help...
Reviews and suggestions are always loved!
I really like Avatar Rippa. I think he is cool! I might draw a piccy of him; do you guys wanna see it?
BF: (snickers) His butt's not going to take up the whole picture, is it?
SUGGESTION TOPIC: What couple pairings would you like to see?
BF: I wanna see Tsukushi and Tsukasa get together, but that has nothing to do with Avatar, sooo...yeah. >_>;
****
Okay, aside from the horrifying mental images of Iroh, that wasn't too bad, now was it? Oh, stop twitching, you big baby. Let's take a look at this fic's list of crimes against good fanfiction:
Redeeming Feature:
Strangely, some of this fic's worst aspects were its best. I'll be damned if Avatar Rippa and Sou and their wacky antics didn't grow on me. Oh, and Sokka in a skin-tight vest? SQUEE.
RAP SHEET:
~Random interjections of Japanese. That might be cool to a first-year japanese student, but not to your average fic reader.
~Extreme Sokka hyperness. Decaf, Sokka, decaf!
~Iroh crossdressing. To secuce Zhao. And it actually worked! If you have to ask why that's wrong, you need to stay away from fanfiction.
~Avatar Rip-Em-A-New-One.
~Said Avatar's great-great-great (hour later) great grandson, Sou. He's not that great!
Credits
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Flying Bison" by SergeantStan
MiSTed (with permission) by Booter-Freak
MiSTing concept by Best Brains Inc.
***
"I wish you luck, Uncle." said Zuko with a small smile. He laughed as the old man waddled from the room, dressed in a vibrant pink robe, his hair put in pigtails, and layers upon layers of white and red makeup piled on his face. Iroh adjusted the melons that were inside his shirt, nodded to Zuko, and with a flip of his fan, set down the hallways to Commander Zhao's chamber.
